Uncommitted Suicidal

What do you do when you want to die but can’t kill yourself? Yeah you’re happy sometimes but usually you’re dead inside. You can’t hurt yourself but if an accident happened you’d be just fine. When ever bit of you wants to go but you can’t let go. You try to make plans for the future but never see it happening. You try to keep going but just can’t stay happy. 

You can’t tell your family and you can’t tell your friends. The other night you broke down in front of your roommates and they didn’t know what to do. How can you say that you don’t want to be here anymore and have them not commit you? I don’t need medicine and I don’t need to talk. I just wish I didn’t always have to be so strong. My mom said never rely on anyone and that’s what I plan to do, but it’s hard to do that when that’s what I really should do. 

“Never show emotions it’s a sign of weakness” is the code I live by but how can I do that when I’m about to break down in class and I know everyone will laugh. I started starving myself way back in 10th grade. I’m a freshman now in a college seven hours away. No one notices now and no one noticed then. Everyone says I’m just a tiny girl. 

I want the pain to go away but I can’t do it myself. To leave my mother behind would be her living hell. I need to die but can not commit. Why is suicide such a big dilemma?

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