Is there a God out there??? Is it wrong to ask??


PTSD, bi polar, adhd, and borderline personality disorder they say. Born dependant on crack cocaine, marijuana, and alcohol. Two weeks in the niccu, which I was lucky it was just two. Prostitute mom and alcoholic abusive dad I was born into this world with. I remember watching my brother sit on the corner of the bed as my dad would beat him with the empty broken beer bottles he had finished. I was two then and my brother was five. We lived in a motel and my mom was never home, when she was she would be passed out on the bathroom floor covered in blood from the drunken argument she would get into with my dad. All I remember is the cop car and lights that night and never seeing my brother again, or my little sister who was an infant. Nine foster families later and 10 years after, I had finally been adopted and got to see my little sister again. My brother I never saw one another again. Now I am 18 and still with the same family I was adopted into and I have tried to kill myself 3 times over the past 4 years and as of last night my adoptive mom told me to kill myself because she could care less. This is the eleventh mom that could care less about me and hates me. I don't understand. My adoptive grandfather raped me in 8th grade and my adoptive mom used to throw me down the stairs by my pony tail. I do not wish to live in a world I do not belong in. I was not meant to be born and life has been a punishment. I just want it all to end. Suicide is not always a choice. Sometimes it's more of a life saver for people like me. My heart can't take anymore. Just tell me if it's ok to give up.

Guide that inspired this poem: 



No, it isn't okay to give up.

You are a human being. Your raw, naked soul is worth more than all the possessions - cars, money, talents - that anyone else may have.

I cannot tell you the ache my heart feels when I read  your words. After all of those horrible things you've been is completely understandable for you to feel that way. The heart is a fragile thing and to bear that much is almost too much.

But nevertheless, it isn't true. You are not useless.
Because no human being can be useles. The very fact of your existence is a beautiful thing. You were born for a purpose...and even if you feel like you have not given anything back to the world, you're wrong.

A smile given to a stranger. A kind word. Protecting your siblings even when it didn't stop the abuse.

Those things count. They made a difference in the world.

You know what else will make a difference? Your death. Suicide will change the world - for the worse.

There will be a gaping hole wherr you breathed and dreamed. The gift of your life will be thrown out...and why? To appease the demons. To give in to the hateful people who abused you. Suicide is saying "I give up. You guys win. You will never be brought to justice. You have defeated me."
And defeat may seem easy and sweet, death a relief...but it isn't. When you are dead, there is no YOU to even feel the relief. 

Read about Maya Angelou....her situation was so similar to yours, but she rose above. Not because she was strong, but because she just kept going. She went through rape, abuse, prostitution....and became an angel. You can too. 

People who go through the worst are the ones who become the best. They know rock bottom. You can only go up from here, regardless of all the things working against you.

Just put one foot in front of the other. Know the foster parents who took you in just for the child support money, the people who beat you - they don't define who you are deep inside.  They can't kill your soul unless you let them.

I will pray for you, if that counts for anything. There is a God out there, though it may not seem like He's there for you. He can be. He lets people make their own choices, and your abusers made the choice to do what they did to you, but trust me, they will pay. He longs for you to feel peace and joy, to overcome these circumstances.

I don't know if any of this helps. 
 This is all I can say in answer to your question. This is what I know to be true and have experienced. But it is totally inadequate to your question....just know there are others out there asking the same thing.

God is impossibly loving. God restores things; all of history points to a God who makes sad things right.God doesn’t tempt, abuse, endorse wickedness, abandon, or hate. In our darkest moment, when we are crushed, Jesus is as close as our own breath. Jesus wept over death and grief; shed your tears.

I hope you find someone to comfort you and help you, that you don't have to do this alone. Know I am rooting for you, even though I don't know you. 


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