The Lockout of the Ice Queen


They call me the "Ice Queen" for a reason.

I honestly don't know what happened.

Even when I was kid, young, naive, and believing in everything, I didn't believe in myself

Even as a free spirited, 'forever-young', and in every sense of the word, child, I knew that I was a ripple in the world's calm pool of normal and uniformity

I've been called a monster and a freak for ever since I can remember 

As I shook these words off of my shoulders, I always figured that my mother and father were right; the other kids who teased me and taunted me were just jealous 

I had a sparkle that nobody else would ever be able to get a hold of, so I shouldn't let their creative, but a-little-less-than-kind interpretation of my uniqueness ruin me

So, ever since I can remember, I've been doing what came as natural; shrugging it off, letting it go, ignoring it, gritting my teeth and bearing it

Then one day, I figured out that I hate every single part of this

But not only did I figure out that I hate this; I hate myself as well 

I hate being the girl who cuts, I hate the scars all over my body, I hate being familiar with the feeling of choking back a sob, I hate being 'the-strong-one' when I want nothing more in the world than to break, that because of the previous fact people think that they can throw whatever they want tp at me and I'll get over it, because I haven't broken ye, so hoe much more damage can one more little thing do?, and most of all. I absolutely detest being told to, "Get over it" when that's all I've been doing throughout my entire goddamn pathetic, miserable excuse for a life

As I realized these things, I also realized that I was afraid of who I was

Even though I wanted to more than anything, I was scared to break

I was scared of hurting anyone because of who I was, and what I still am

So next time you ask me, "Why do you keep shutting me out? Why don't you ever let anyone in? Aren't you lonely?" don't bother

Of course I'm lonely. Although I've been trying for years to convince myself that I'm content, maybe even satisfied with loneliness, I know that in my heart of hearts that doing so is emotionally possible; not that I care 

I put up the facade of being happy and okay to hide the fact that I'm terrified of hurting those that I care about

I put up the front of being strong and independent because I don't want people to know that I;m constantly terrified of messing up

The only reason I stay strong is because I know that without people to lean on, the entire world would fall over

But I shut people out to make sure that they don't get hurt

If I'm shutting you out, I'm sorry, but I can't afford even the mere of chance of caring for you, because you'll just leave me

Oh, please don't be offended when I say that! It's nothing personal, it's just a fact that anyone who has ever said that they cared about me even those who have said that they would always be there for me have left.

 While I shut you out, just consider yourself lucky.

You'd be just as terrified of the girl who lives inside my shell as I am.


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