He's Still Here

"he's still here."
Here and gone. The words meld into one. 
I screamed. I cried. I lost my mind.
Is it possibly to feel so much at the same time?
With him gone and coming back again. It's like my life before this was nothing but a game of pretend. 
because I see it now. It's real. 
It's real enough to feel but i cannot. 
not yet. I cannot believe "he's still here." 
I cannot believe he almost left. 
Was it due to me? No, not me. At least not solely. I know I added to it. 
I'm sorry! I'm sorry! I'm sorry! 
I shout, just like you probably did. In your mind in your voice. I wasn't there. It eased your choice. 
No point for stupid apologizations. 
like you said. 
I wasnt there. You almost arent. 
I feel relation and elation. could that not be more diverse? 
I've been there before. And I'm so thankful you've failed. And oh god oh god oh god i've wailed. I wasn't there with you, I was there before you. And just like that choice, I was too selfish to help you. 
But then, what good could I?


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