turn of events
the first time i hated myself, i was 9 years old.
groups of soulless children followed me around the schoolyard
calling me diseased ridden, disgusting, fat...
the laughed as my tears splashed on the table at which i sat
alone.
i first lied about being fine left my mouth at age 10
when my mother combed her fingers through my hair
asking me why i didn't want to eat dinner or go to school
or wake up
i was 11 when i first picked up a box cutter.
i had forgotten how to smile...
so i drew red smiley faces on my wrist
so maybe they would scar and remind me...
when i was 12, i broke my skin for the first time
and the tiny balloons of blood that inflated randomly in the scratches
gave me satisfaction and almost a high
i had never felt before.
the first thoughts of death came to me at 13
i couldn't walk by the laundry room without thinking about drinking bleach
or into the kitchen without thinking about slitting my wrists
or on the sidewalk without thinking of jumping in front of cars
i was alone at 14
curled under covers, smelling of incense and tears
not really alive...just breathing
just waiting for fate to maybe save me from inner oblivion
Comments
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GGicefire
Oh...
I'm sorry, I am really sorry, but that's all I know how to say.
I do not have an excuse to write, like you do.
Kasey_Coulstring13
The tears roll down my pain stained face, as I read the words I once felt.
And the pain from all the lonley days, emerge into sobs.
Along with the thoughts and memories of feeling this way.
I know what its like.
I thought I was alone, I thought nobody knew.
At age 11 I had nobody left.
My sister was dead and my dad was a drunk.
Alone in the world, and school was a battleground.
Warzone, the kids would run me over with buldozers, there was nothing I could do.
Put in the back of the class so I wasnt bombarded with spitballs.
And at night, while the others slept.
I walk the tightrope, trying my hardest not to fall, yeah sometimes I slipped.
Cuts on my arms and burn marks on my stomach.
They never knew. Because as I kept it all inside they thought I was fine.
And now someone understand whats its like.
Well get through it all caus were the underdogs, the wallflowers, and the outcasts.
But we understand eachother and theres a place we can all go.
To find ourselves and lose the hate.
You should add me on facebook if you have one. Id love to conversate with you (: