turn of events

the first time i hated myself, i was 9 years old.

groups of soulless children followed me around the schoolyard

calling me diseased ridden, disgusting, fat...

the laughed as my tears splashed on the table at which i sat 



i first lied about being fine left my mouth at age 10

when my mother combed her fingers through my hair

asking me why i didn't want to eat dinner or go to school

or wake up


i was 11 when i first picked up a box cutter.

i had forgotten how to smile...

so i drew red smiley faces on my wrist

so maybe they would scar and remind me...


when i was 12, i broke my skin for the first time

and the tiny balloons of blood that inflated randomly in the scratches

gave me satisfaction and almost a high

i had never felt before.


the first thoughts of death came to me at 13

i couldn't walk by the laundry room without thinking about drinking bleach

or into the kitchen without thinking about slitting my wrists

or on the sidewalk without thinking of jumping in front of cars


i was alone at 14

curled under covers, smelling of incense and tears

not really alive...just breathing

just waiting for fate to maybe save me from inner oblivion




I'm sorry, I am really sorry, but that's all I know how to say.

I do not have an excuse to write, like you do.


The tears roll down my pain stained face, as I read the words I once felt.
And the pain from all the lonley days, emerge into sobs. 
Along with the thoughts and memories of feeling this way.
I know what its like.
I thought I was alone, I thought nobody knew. 
At age 11 I had nobody left.
My sister was dead and my dad was a drunk.
Alone in the world, and school was a battleground.
Warzone, the kids would run me over with buldozers, there was nothing I could do.
Put in the back of the class so I wasnt bombarded with spitballs.
And at night, while the others slept.
I walk the tightrope, trying my hardest not to fall, yeah sometimes I slipped.
Cuts on my arms and burn marks on my stomach. 
They never knew. Because as I kept it all inside they thought I was fine.
And now someone understand whats its like. 
Well get through it all caus were the underdogs, the wallflowers, and the outcasts.
But we understand eachother and theres a place we can all go. 
To find ourselves and lose the hate.

You should add me on facebook if you have one. Id love to conversate with you (:


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