eatingdisorder
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“A mastermind in disguised by the sins of shattered glass, luring you in by its reflections, leaving you with painful thoughts, false confidence and shame.
i wish i had remembered how it felt to fly
my bones light as feathers
i swear i could sore anywhere i wanted to but i didn’t even bother to pay attention to what was in front of me
I slid to the floor of this solitary place, surrounded
by hastily scribbled memos
on monochrome sheets of paper.
and cannot find a singular one addressed to my former self;
From the time you are born to the moment you die,
You’re stuck inside of your body,
And the mere thought of that used to make me cry.
Why do I look like this?
Oh God, I hate myself,
I have lost weight since I was in fifth grade
and I know this because I have tracked my weight,
watching it go up and down,
like a child on a Carousel.
I am only a freshman in High School,
Am I pretty now?
You told me I need makeup,
You can hardly tell it is me anymore,
Am I pretty now?
You said I needed to lose some weight,
Well i have, now I'm anorexic,
Am I pretty now?
She DEFILED herself! Body pains, sunken eyes, flaky, sore, bleeding lips and her body as cold as ice. She chugged the water to silence the rumbling of her stomach as she walked out the door. She gave all the right answers and was
Bones poking
potruding, prodding
pride? how does this belong
looking in the mirror I feel disgust
but not from the bones
from the skin
how can i not see the horror
What is my purpose in this world?
To take up space,
to be a filler in an empty place.
The idea of existence has always been confusing,
Am I here to succeed?
Or will I end up losing?
FAT, TUBBY, BIG, CHUBBY, SLOPPY, GROSS, SMELLY
All depictions of a full woman portrayed upon the television of society
Blinded by our true beauty, so let me regulate for a moment
He keeps saying he will change
But it seems to worsen everyday
There’s nothing else to do but pray.
He comes home drunk
She was beauty
her curves were delicious
the way her clothes stuck to her skin
whispering to them
She walked with a dropped head
she didn't know
every step she took
She left the room breathless
I am lost
I am a little girl named Alice
Trying to find my way back up the rabbit hole
The Rabbit,
Instead of telling me the time
He reminds me not to eat
Mistakes,
Baby I'm flawless.
What you want me to be ashamed of,
Baby I flaunt it.
You talk and laugh about the way I look,
But don't understand that my ego can't be shook.
Counting the calories,
Secretly loving each bite,
Is being skinny
Worth all this fight?
Seeing your hipbones?
Collarbones too?
Searching for a thigh gap,
even though there's so much "you"?
It hit me one night on tumblr
a blog i
stumbled upon
with a bio that sounded
a LOT like my old best friend
we never fell out
our friendship never ended
We are the Ones.
The beaten,
the broken,
the abused.
We are the Silent.
Bearing our agony with closed mouths.
The quiet,
the strong,
the mute.
We are the Patient.
I crept through the halls;
head down, bones protruding from my flesh;
admiring those who have not been consumed
by this angst I had burning inside of me.
For years,
I hid behind glasses of water
She was the fat girl her whole entire life,
Then one day she decided to eat right.
She didn't see results as fast as she had hoped,
So she stuck her finger down her throat and poked.
Standing in the front of the mirror, I hear someone murmur,
"The problem with bones
is that they are hidden beneath all my fat."
The real problem with bones
is that they have become symbols.
Please eat... I hear their silent plea. Eyes look at me carefully. I smile gracefully but can't tame the voice inside of me. "No thanks. I'll have coffee." Can't they leave me be? Getting thin has a fee but I'm not scared. Can't they see?
9 Years.
Nine years of life lived from a toilet bowl
Watching myself fade into virtual nothingness
While people praised my virtual body
Pieced together from years of purging in toilet stalls.
Why is it that mankind can never truly find happiness?
It can be grasped for brief moments in time before it disappears once
You came to me,
like a snowflake falling from the sky,
drifting until you found your way.
Your smile was like a fire,
it sparked in me and made me want to ignite it everyday.
I am quietbecause were I to open my mouthand let out the sugardemonscrouching behind my teeth,they would make you cry.I am tiredbecause were I to stay awakefor an hour or so more
Counselor: How bout we start by you telling be about yourself
ME: *sigh*
So where do it start?
It was always either too hot or too cold in her troubled mind.
And no amount of tossing or turning could ever
tucker her out enough for her to tuck her self in,
at night her mind was a race car that never ran out of gas,
Healthy girls wanting to be my size
they aren't happy
they have voices in their heads telling them to eat this an eat that
that's why they are fat
they always complain and it's not a game
Disappointment. Anger. Sadness. Fear. I'm afraid. Some days are easier than others. Some days it feels like ropes are pulling me into the ground, and I don't have the strength to resist, so I just sleep. Some days my heart feels heavy.
Words are taken for granted.
Written in books that just sit on shelves.
Children no longer want to read
but play video games.
What about the children who suffer.
depression
anxiety
There we stood face to face
neither one daring to flinch
The mirror howling
screaming in agony
its cries growing more and more and even more intense
I look at the mirror disgusted
I spit at the reflection
Nothing to be proud of
Nothing to see
I scream
Says every girl daily
I hear voices
Go see the school psychologist
I am not eating anything
Go see the nurse
I am cutting myself
Go see a guidance counselor
I am pregnant
Go see Planned Parenthood
Inside, they consume me
the words of society
filled with rejection
My heart aches and throbs
as I'm wrapped in the image
of pure pefection
Yet I can not grasp
I’ve had a target on my back since I was five.I got to the point where I didn’t want to be alive.Like other children, I just wanted to be an actress.That turned into hiding razors under my mattress.
In a box,
But not with my mind,
It got out.
Now, I can't find,
Sanity.
Anywhere.
And I can't see,
Yet I stare,
At the body,
Left behind.
Where is my soul?
I'm just dying
To be perfect.
Whatever it takes,
Will be worth it.
Can I please,
Be enough for you?
I'm stumbling, trying,
To make it through.
And pleasing everyone,
Acting,
Like I'm up on a stage.
Memorized the lines
On every page.
And the girl,
The one that I play,
She's the one That'd you'd like,
And see every day.
But underneath the surface,
Life seems normal, content and all.
From the outside you see a girl whose standing tall.
But the truth is really a much different story,
For everyday’s a battle that’s really quite gory.
Why? Why do you look at me like that? I am a normal girl, with feelings and such. Yet you send me to a clinic, because I refuse to consume the garbage you feed yourself. All I want is to be thin, to be that beautiful girl on Cosmo magazine.
Why? Why do you look at me like that? I am a normal girl, with feelings and such. Yet you send me to a clinic, because I refuse to consume the garbage you feed yourself. All I want is to be thin, to be that beautiful girl on Cosmo magazine.
Before recovery, when ED talked i listened. HE said i was lazy, i ran. HE said i was fat, i dieted. HE said i ate to much, i starved. HE told me to purge, i vomited. When ED was with me i cried.
I am living in a mirror,
I can never measure up.
I am stuck inside this world of reflection,
I can only see myself.
The outside world is very dim, just only a faded picture.
The weight of the world is rest on my shoulders
Depression, anxiety, constant fear
It sits there and laughs at me
It whispers negativity in my ear.
"You cant help her." "You're not good enough."
Little girls are barbie's,
little girls are sweet,
little girls are perfect,and taught to be neat.
Taught to be skinny, and pretty, and fair.
Taught to have beautiful, long locks of hair.
alone
strictly practiced
discipline on cold tile
unforgiving
begin
swelling
rushing water
a raging orchestra
filling the tub
distract
I turn like an unbalanced ballerina in the face of the mirror,
Examining each curve and pudge of the body I have been drilled to hate,
And squint critically as I suck in my stomach.
Am I pretty yet?
Your pale complexion; white and gray,
I pray that you’ll live through another May.
The hair on your head is growing thin,
And I can’t find any more fat on your chin.
It pains me to know that this is your choice;
Learning acceptance of what cannot be changed,
Gaining knowledge of destruction,
Unveiling of the path which cannot be ignored,
Learning old ways which cannot be ignored,
Mirror, Mirror, on the wall.
Make me pretty, thin, and tall.
Who is fairest of us all?
When will Beauty finally fall?
Paint my face and Dye my hair,
Then will someone truly care?
Internalize
what you love,
despise
desire
lose yourself, entire
yet don't dismiss
that inner tormented artist
when did we proclaim
that our dreams were unattainable?
