heavy

i wish i had remembered how it felt to fly 

my bones light as feathers

i swear i could sore anywhere i wanted to but i didn’t even bother to pay attention to what was in front of me 

the beautiful lights turned to pictures 

and pictures turned to memories and 

remembering was as dangerous as loving was 

because we try to find love but end up finding knives 

and words that hurt like knives

and the memories flood in when i’m 

sitting in my room 

the lights are dim

because even if i don’t like myself i like mother nature 

and i sprawl out on the cold floor

sit up after sit up 

i couldn’t tell if the banging was on the door or my back hitting the ground

my spine screams at me as it curls to give me what i want 

and what i want is peace 

i mean this didn’t feel like peace but i was so conditioned to think

peace was found in ice for dinner 

or my hair falling out 

my time wasting away 

as i waste away 

my hands were cold but i never asked for them to be held 

and i realize now i should’ve 

sometimes i feel so ungrateful for my mind 

but i did not ask for it to reside in me 

i was mistaking food for poison 

and this venomous disorder as food 

fueling me to take up less space 

this snake suffocated me with

something i had always feared

being heavy

but now i wish for it 

i wanted

to be heavy 

heavy with feelings, love, and life

i wanted to be heavy with hope 

when people hear the word anorexia 

they think of skinny girls 

with flower crowns and bones 

i think of yellow teeth and crying over sinks 

but why doesn’t anyone think about me? 

i’m not skinny 

my teeth aren’t yellow 

i’m so easily neglected by a word

but i think now i’m glad i am

that i can finally step back from all the words 

and step back into the colors 

that fill every part of me up with love 

and finally 

i get to be heavy again

This poem is about: 
Me

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