self hate
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One is gentle just to start
Twos intent to cut a bit more hard
Three and four for unworthy and ugly
Five is for the lies ive said
Six is to honor the guilt
Seven makes me gasp
Sick of the notion
fake my emotion
pretend I'm okay
after every day
as my bad thoughts grow
self hate too
and the blade beckons me home
and asks for a mark to stay
I live in a castle upon a hill.
Well, at least that’s what I thought.
I actually live in a beat up hut upon a hill.
Everyone constantly looking up at me,
Feeling like I'm tired of living
Feeling like I'll never fully heal
No one taught me how to deal
With all the anger and sadness I feel
Sometimes I can't deal with my own madness
Wishing you could see
Don’t let a heavy heart from loving tomorrow
We must stand up and love for ourself
Put everything aside
Hug ourself
The little me is crying inside of me
I am ignoring because I despise me
As a young girl I'd "see"
That the little white girls around me
Were what I should achieve to be
Straight hair, colored eyes
And skin shades lighter than mine
I'm sorry for the things I did
I'm sorry for the things I've yet to do
I'm sorry for how I am
I'm sorry for what I will be soon
But most of all
The person I hate, someone I blame: myself.
Devoid of meaning or direction. Moving in circles
Blindly searching for the destination. I’m a bookshelf
Without books. Incomplete. Lonely.
the mirror isnt my true friend
she wont reflect my fantasy land
instead exposing the world in a aggressive manner
where i cant unsee the ugly truth
i cover my eyes to reside inside myself
He knows what he's doing,
Yet his love is just a game,
False hope, it's just another thing i'm losing,
And it slowly drives me insane.
To a Certain Skeletal Sickness
Dear Ana, you know your devastation on me.
When you take a physical part away, you also steal my soul
You were my first love,
At least that is what I thought.
You messed up my life,
Because now everything I do is related back to you.
I am a narcissist.
I am a fool.
I am a living paradox from which nothing escapes
Unscathed.
I am Apollo pining for love,
...Who knows what I would've put me through...
Though these words are true and they seem to hurt to you,
I must admit that there is always a bit of satisfaction that seems to seep through.
They always told me no one would love me beause i was big.
I never said a word of disagrement because they were right.
I watched as my friends threw up their meals saying, If you want to be pretty then don't eat
Smooth skin
replaced by
Broken bones;
Empty eyes
seen within
Melancholy mirrors.
Remorseful reflections
gazing back at
Spurning spirits;
Hindering hatred
A room made of darkness,
Pitch black so I can't see.
The haunting moan of loneliness, in the distance, it calls for me.
What once was full of light and the occasional flicker of pain,
you reap what you sow
and i've sowed my sins
so i plow
through the ground
that happens to be skin
red furrows ready for planting
all neat and lined up straight
the thing is… sometimes self harm isn’t about pain, it’s about things that last and things that dont.
I found that life gives you certain battles to fight
Doesn’t give you a weapon to defend yourself but expects you to do alright
Attacking you in the day, while terrifying you at night
Bare feet, dewy grass, pumping legs; wind whistling in my ears, whispering secrets I cannot catch.
Loathsome dread as I stare at yet another photo of myself.
My hands are about
as cold and dead
as they can be
without actually being dead.
My hair is about
as long as can be
without actually being long.
My thighs are about
My hands are about
as cold and dead
as they can be
without actually being dead.
My hair is about
as long as can be
without actually being long.
My thighs are about
The reflection
wants me to die.
The reflection
wants me to starve.
The Reflection
wants to be loved.
The Reflection
wants to change.
The reflection
wants to be changed.
She came and went.
as if it were easy
for all of us
to stand back and
watch.
Faster, slower, stop.
the water continued
dripping
collecting
cascading towards
Red
Blood of friends lost to hate
Passion for what she can create
From the hurt of being too late
At least that wasn’t her fate
The numbness is growing,
Or is it sadness instead,
That will plague me until death.
I feel so alone in this world
Where my darkness descends.
I feel forgotten by my memories
I ask about love,
And if I can ever find it.
But how can I expect someone to love me,
When I don't love myself?
How can I expect respect,
When I tear myself down?
How can I expect anyone to trust me,
Let me tell you where I'm at
Here at night supposedly alone,
Listening to songs that make me feel whole.
However there is Disappointment,
Self hate and his sister Anxiety,
All of them sleeping over.
What is worse than breaking a promise,
One you made to a friend?
Breaking the one you made to yourself.
I made myself a promise long ago,
When the world seemed open
That I would be okay.
Mirror mirror on the wall
I can't look at you at all.
The image of me distorted will be,
And my mind from it shackles will not be free.
Mirror mirror on the wall
You hasten my downfall.
I remember, you remember, we all remember,
That September when my boy, when your boy, when all our boys,
Joined that team with radiant faces, shining uniforms and innocent hearts
I've been left wordless,
As my mind is tangled witth the problem.
The letters float around,
But no words come out.
So my ipod I plug in,
And my heart will live on,
silent breaking, day by day
against my will, I run away
afraid of those I used to trust
one breath away from giving up
Hope seems but a vague memory
There are a few things you should know,
About me and my life,
And what I've learned to not show.
You don't know what I feel,
I keep it well hidden,
But maybe I shouldn't,
Look to your surroundings.
See the comparisons in store.
Who does the most things?
Who makes more?
Feeling ahead of the race,
Only to walk into a slamming door.
Why bother with the race?
Little girl sits in her room terrified,
“The monsters in my head won’t leave me be…”
“Go away, go away,” she softly cried.
“I can’t close my eyes ‘cause they’re all I see.”
People mistake my sadness for poetry,
But what they don’t realize is,
It’s just my soul bursting from me.
My mistakes,
My heartaches,
My life,
My strife.
I write them all out,
Across the scarlet horizon she stares,
Her motivation gone, she no longer cares.
Closer and closer to the edge she creeps,
“He doesn’t love me. He doesn’t want me,” is all she speaks.
Pronounced dead
Is the one who can’t breathe
But when around you
I can’t.
And I’m fully alive.
My eyes can’t see
Ears can’t hear.
Heart can’t beat.
Lungs can’t contract.
Your eyes used to shine with the stars,
Like constellations in the night.
Now they flicker with uncertainty,
Dimness…
Like a firefly slowly dying,
Losing its spark.
What used to be, isn’t.
You’re a fragile spirit, afraid to leave the grave of which you were laid to rest.
Metaphorically, of course…
Flowers used to grow in your veins and now they’ve long withered away and died.
How much longer can I hold on?
Hold on to this reality,
The smiles that I place
On my usually tiered face.
Hold on to this image that you see
A confident girl that is happy.
There comes a time
when your body forfeits the game
and your heart reaches the limit of pain
While your soul shrivels up in shame.
Seven years agois when I first got depressed
Seven years agois when momma up and left
Seven years laterI'm a walking denialpeers hold my trialas suicidal
I'm afraid to open up.
To give someone the chance to hurt,
My heart of glass, so easy to shatter,
Because of all that I've seen, and heard
Although it should not matter.
I play my twisted game,
Today…
I'm Smiling.
I am happy because I'm surrounded by people who love me.
Today…
I'm strong.
I feel like I can actually make a difference in this world.
Today…
I feel accepted.
Gazing out,
Into the deep rolling waves.
As they roll and roll,
Ever turning.
On and on.
His hazel eyes can only see so much
But he has no clue, i live in this ditch
Where there lies pain and disgust, tears and
perhaps one day it will either break me or mend.
Thinking too much
creates bad thoughts.
The negativity in those thoughts
are from depression.
Discontent, sadness, anxious, hopeless
is what you feel.
You feel ignored, alone.
Isolated.
When I feel the pain in my chest.
When my throat is filled with hate.
When my body wants all it's blood to flood out
And my mind just fills me with negativity.
The only one I can hold against me,
Laugh if you wantI wouldn't care if you knew me
Hit me hardI deserve the hate and resentment
Say mean thingsEven though not an ounce is true
Break my heartIt is already broken beyond repair
It's such a plot tiwst,
When you're your own worst antagonist.
It's not people who hurt you,
It's late night thoughts you drew.
What happens when you're the biggest enemy?
I could pass an hour telling youwhat’s wrong with me, delving
into every nook of my weaknesses, every
cranny between my ribs. I could pass a day, if
I wanted to hold him
I wanted to tell him it would be okay
I wanted to hug him and tell him "breathe"
I wanted to squeeze him and suffocate him until he remembered to breathe
A black guy once told me that I'm "not his type"
"Nah," he said. "I don't fuck with them black girl types".
He said he likes them Spanish types, them mixed chick types, them white girl types, them "exotic" types.
He speaks so calmly
Quiet as a mouse he is
He reminds me of my childhood fears
So quiet, so distant, so beautiful
A creature of so much delight from afar
I sit there and wonder why
I need bathe myself in the haunting echo of her presence. Let it be only I that stand beside her, shadowed by her illuminating spirit. Allow me to feast from the grounds which she hath passed.
I sit here alone.Sadder than my mind allows.Alone... With someone who hates me.That I can never seem to get rid of.Abused... By my own thoughts.That fold me into olbivion.
I admire your confidence I envy your cockiness I can only wish to be like you to be confident enough in my own looks I know I'm attractive somewhere but I don't see it I want to be confident I want to be....brave
So my question to you is,
Why do you want a blood transfusion?
Is it because you deem
Being black a sin
That you are trying to dilute from within
Photos of perfect people #Filter
Photos of perfect bodies #Filter
Photos of perfect models #Filter
I do no think these photos embody
the beauty of a sleepy smile, or the yawn of somebody you love
People talk about me and it used to bother me
they said I was annoying
they said I was loud
and weird
I am closing walls and open doors,
A memory painted on the windows of your soul
In any color you like, as long as it is a shade of black.
I am discontinuous, a broken mirror
I just wanted to let you know
that you are worth more
than what I can show
or tell
or teach you.
If I tried, it would be like trying
to encompass the sun
in the description of a shadow.
I wanted them to see me as art
to stand in awe and marvel
at the thought that such beauty existed
but i am not a monet
i am not a picasso
and as they realized that
Everyone is different,
I, just a little more than anyone else.
To me, I am
lost
insecure
hopeless
scared
To my family
lacking
imperfect
perfect
HAHA
No Filter
Haha
Pure face
Haha
Hidden disgust
Haha
Beautiful lies
Haha
Look at my face
haha. .
my laugh is weird. .
haha. .
I'm just kinda queer
Mia whispers that I could be better.
Ana shouts at me to pull it together.
Mia says she wants what is best.
The city's ubiquitous form floods the room
Room filled with the scent of molding tea leaves
Leaves fluttering to the ground in dead clusters never again to bloom
Again, she sits, and stares and waits.
Admire what you see
Mirror or none
For which everything that you see
Beauty is none
What makes things beautiful
Thoughts or emotions
Either one is powerful
But without people's creations
I don't think I'm flawlessI have never loved my bodyAnd I know I have a shitty personalityBut I do think I am flawless
I look to my left and observe my neighbor dropping tears
I look to my right and observe my neighbor exerting fears
She will cry and walk to him and extend a hand for help
A face, they see, a smile so wide
A heart, they hear, beats strong inside.
But they do not know, they cannot see,
The troubles and darkness inside of me.
A girl, my age, lives so far away,
I don't understand.
somedays, smiling is easy.
and other days it's the hardest thing to do.
somedays, I can eat anything I want.
and other days I can't even look at food.
I am sorry my love.
And I'll say it a million times over. I'll show it, like an alcoholic man trying to prove that he is sober. And I'll make it known until we both are older. To keep our love from being over.
My hair
The color too dark
I would make it glow with blonde
My eyes
A dullish brown
I would make an ice colored kingdom
My nose
To pointy and big
Her braid falls softly to one side
Silently she listens,
She’s always been good at that.
Arms crossed,
Trying to thing,
About a better tomorrow;
A better today.
Twinkle twinkle world of mine
How I hoped you knew what I felt
As I walk this lonley path
Tears roll down my horrid face
While I cut with no regret
the poppies
I walked along the trail I traveled frequently.
Why did all the poppies die?
Is it because the sky did not cry for their sorrows and the grew bitter and dried up?
All the shadows in my mind
You push away and leave behind
Every whisp'ring doubt and fear
Fades to nothing when you're near
But then, every time we part
These burdens bear back on my heart
Death is opportunity
Life is the challenge.
Opportunity to relapse
Challenge to stay above.
Opportunity to give up
Challenge to remain on track.
I am a survivor.
Compliment me and I will smile.
I will even thank you for your kindness.
Though I do not see these good looks that you speak of,
when I, myself, look in the mirror.
I can barely stand to look.
Someday she’ll find
I’ve left my head
Sometime she’ll fine
I won’t get out of bed
I’m a pathetic
Pretentious
Waste of plastic
I can’t take my face so I’ll bathe it in acid
No one knows I haven’t eaten in weeks; I try my best to act normal; Within this sickness, I have reached my peak; Just waiting for my turn to fall; Sometimes its not so easy to hide; And some begin to get suspicious; But I will continue to push al
I hate.
I burned, and I raged, and I cried, and I sobbed.
I wrecked myself.
But still, I hate.
when we're in the mood
when we're in this place
when the temperature rises
and our hearts start to race
and in between heavy breathing
accompanied by low moans
The echo in my ear of all the hurt and pain, from the time I was younger and more I had to gain. All that I kept inside and I can't seem to get out, it's like a stomach full of words I want to shout.
Your grimaces, painful half glimpses,
Bring sorrow to every fragile piece of me.
If I should shatter, I’d cut your skin.
Make you remember you’re only human.
You used to smile at me years ago,
He was just a little kid
blonde hair, blue eyes
playing in the back of the church like usual
waiting for mom to say it’s time to go.
He doesn’t notice the girl with her short shorts and blue shirt
No one really leads their life anymore.
Everyone follows.
Some follow genetically
looking identical to a parent
or sibling.
We all follow emotionally
everyone falls in love
everyone hates
Every girl was born with a face of porcelain
and heat of pedals.
Anyone can see that is beautiful,
without a male to announce it.
She spends five hours getting ready
Knowing all her hard work is for naught
For by the time she gets to her locker she will be tripped
Into a reality that feels a nightmare
The names she can handle
From across the room I see you staring,
Disappointed and disgusted with me,
The staring turns into hateful glaring,
Because I am not so ordinary.
I look at you and go look who’s talking,
