sexual abuse
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was it worth it,
living thru this hell sternously making it heaven
was it worth it?
was it worth it
trying to make others live while your own body was scarred with a medusa tatto on it
The eyes,they tell no liesand you cannot runfrom their truth.
Those feelings you feel,you cannot hide fromfor they will alwaysbe a part of youyour essence,your soul.
Roses aren’t always red.
Violets aren’t strictly blue.
Not every glimmer’s surely gold-
You’ll never really know the truth!
You are the enemy of love and light
You are the enemy of trust
You take the form of all you hate
You take advantage of lust.
I am hurting in ways I can't tell
I am afraid of your touch
They promised it'd get better.I told them I believed them.It's been 3 or 4 years.And I still don't see a thing.For who am I doing this?This hasn't been worth it.I'm waiting and waiting.I'm not allowed to say I'm not strong enough, I've come all th
you see I live in my mind
of course there is no escape
ever since I was 5 years old
I have been a victim of rape
but I put a smile on my face
to keep everyone else okay
not worrying about
all i could think about
when he pushed his way inside of me
was his enchanting stories of a better life
I am from moving boxes scattered, littered on hallway floors
From unpaid utility bills, arguments and slamming doors
I am from tax return Christmas gifts and food stamp Thanksgivings
He took me out of my wrapper,
swirled me around his tongue.
He savored the juices of me,
as he let them slowly trickle down his throat.
But he couldn’t resist,
when I became so tender,
*THIS POEM contains bad words and other nasty, gritty, poo-poo.
DONT read if you are easily disturbed or young.
I can still feel his breath
on the back of my neck
just as humid, unwanted,
as it was
on yours.
The look in his starving eyes
A small brown girl sits in the middle of a poorly kept lawn, the weeds sprouting all around her.
The oak tree is shaking in the wind, and the leaves are falling.
Lost to an act so long ago, a kid already but I didn’t know
what it was you that you did and yet although
I was so naïve I could tell how wrong it was to not go
Every morning, I wake up wishing,
I was as tough as I pretend to be,
Wash my face, forget my name, repeat;
I wish I was stronger than a man.
There are so many things I find I'm forced to remember.
Sloppy drawings of sleepy Buddha in the back of a rotting notebook.
Cake crossing my eager ears, as I jam my hip beneath the stair-rail,
nobody saw the pain behind her smile
everyone assumed evrything was fine
they have no idea how wrong they were
while they looked away he was leaving bruises
some were emotional but most were physical
The door is inching open
the light hits her face
her Daddy needs to hear her pleas
in their secret little place
oh my Baby oh my Baby
Daddy needs you so so much
oh my Baby oh my Baby
My eyes refused to shed tears.
I am told to keep my mouth closed and my statement to myself by the energies around me. You had my mouth taped closed and not once was I able to gasp for air.
A useless flower on Valentine’s Day
Red to paint her lovers name as tainted as the love he gave
Roses have thorns but men have blades
He grabbed my wrists and cut my veins
The haze
Thats how it starts
Blurry days
She doesn’t know how to part
The bottle in her hand is her savior
She cant take back the memories of fear
She couldn’t control her behavior
they say its normal for a teenage girl to feel not at home in her body
it’s a great change in scenery
by Ariel Douglas (2 June 2018)
I believed you
I trusted you
You broke me
You used me
You never loved me
You took my heart
I hurt because of youThe pain I felt when you hurt meThe anger that followed what you didI could never understand why you did these things to meI was 12, Just beginning lifeAnd you took it from meHow is this fair to me??I hurt everyday because you
When I stopped writing when he broke me,
It wasn't too big of a deal.
My writings weren't very good back then anyway,
It really was just “emo poetry” like he called it.
Still yet,
It was one way of coping
bodily betrayal
my fault
still inside me
years after the assault
complicated nonconsent
complicated discontent
wasn’t drugged
Patterns of abuse.
A predator in disguise.
But you’re innocent,
Maybe I’m in denial.
I need to know. Who are you?
i wish you the worst, the same that you wished me
i hope you drown, just like you told me
you looked me in the eyes, spring of twenty eighteen
you fucked me up, and i should've just screamed
When I was a little girl
My mother taught me
That my value does not lie in the face of the men who have wronged me
But as I grew older
It’s supposed to be a fun night
Dancing with friends
Hitting on strangers
Having a little too much to drink
Meeting eyes with you was like staring at a picture that has been hung in the living room my whole life.
You were so familiar, yet you never failed to catch my attention.
We were in love once, not long ago.
You said that you could never let me go.
You kissed me with all of your energy
Maybe that's why you set me free
Instead of giving me a necklace
Made up of his hands
We sit in his Grand Cherokee
And listen to our favorite bands
We had no plans and began to drive
Into the small town that had tried to hide
From a paper map, hung on the wall
it would seem to be fields that only stretch on
Dear god above,
have you forgot me,
your daughter,
your angel..
Why did you leave me to wonder and wallow in despare.
Does my life not matter to you,
Was my soul not important to you?
Dear Trauma, my constant companion,
We got together ten years ago
it's hard to forget.
You help me, remind me to be careful.
Not to trust men who smile so kindly.
If I have you with me
Shh
my baby girl
shh
my love
shh
my piece of heaven
shh
my miracle
shh
the love of my life
shh
beautiful
shh
sunshine
shh
mine
shh
Dear Layla
I know you have been through a lot in the past 24 years
You’ve experience trauma that you believe you will never recover from
You’ve been abused, verbally and physically
i am a flower.
one within another field of flowers,
but i am withered and wilted.
i am this way because of the wind
it howls at me, for i am vulnerable in the night.
it pulls on my leafs and petals,
To the boys who raped my best friend,
You didn't know why she was on the bus that day so I'll tell you
She went to lay flowers at her best friend’s grave
She didn't know you would be laying her in her own
You wanted a seed, to bloom a flower of your own kind. Change it to your preference, to prod and pluck. Yet this flower began to wilt and wither into defiance. Disempowered, you gave up on it, no longer yours to handle.
There’s a new you in town
In my neighborhood
On my street
Too close for comfort
'Registered Sex Offender'
Most Birthdays,
I weep.
But not 17
When I was thirteen
I cut my hair too short,
and got that camera I wanted
and I wept into my mothers shoulder
because I didn't feel fufilled.
The first time you found me,
I was a little girl.
You told me I could trust you
and then you turned around and ruined me.
Grandfather, I thought you loved me?
You said it as you held me close.
All the times we laughed with glee,
And when we would garden outside.
Then we were in your room, I froze
I begged for you to leave me be
To the boy in the Star Wars t-shirt:
You may remember my name but not my face;
and that's okay.
I was your first girl;
When you were angry at the world
and everything in it,
Including me.
Mother,Did you ever see me as a child
and not a possession?
Or was I the duplicate picture of your second-hand negro barbie,
Because I love you
I heard it every day
After each beating
After each round of screaming
I cowered
Because he loved me
He loved me so much it was an honor to be his
To be worth his time
She was the child who shyed away from touch.
The child who hated eye contact.
She was a kid who'd perfected the art of
making excuses for school absences
and dodging questions.
The woods are where the bad things happen, they said
Where the evil goes
To celebrate its victories
To dance with hungry wolves
You grow up understanding,
Until the day you don’t.
You grow up knowing,
Until the day you won’t.
They tell you that it’s easy.
You said you would take what you wanted,
And you did
You reached your hand inside of me
And clawed at my being,
I used to have this car
People thought it was a sweet ride,
But there was a flip side
They didn’t realize the controls were all behind me
The pedals, the radio, the side mirrors
See, I had a backseat driver
It is a scary thing to admit to yourself
How you were sexually abused.
Especially by one that you trusted.
How he left me, in flames I combusted.
I remember, you remember, we all remember,
That September when my boy, when your boy, when all our boys,
Joined that team with radiant faces, shining uniforms and innocent hearts
As a way to not feel depressed,
Or maybe it was oppressed.
The fifth grade was only a start,
As a senior I still feel its mark.
My mother felt the bottle or aluminum can was an escape
I let my breath goPlease don’t let me be a statisticI cry into my mothers arms, the first time I told her of my abuse.I refuse.I will not let someone else feel what I have felt.
We met when I was beautiful and strong:
a sight to behold,
but you decided to be jealous--
I guess you own me.
We met when I was young and foolish:
my head full of dreams,
A 16 year old girl, innocently dancing to the music of love
BLANK
She awakes to feel her body ache
When I told him what he did,
He told me he always just had wanted to treat me like princess.
Obviously the one he had in mind was the originally Sleeping Beauty,
Where she is raped by the king in her sleep,
This isn't me
I am out here
I am not here
This body
I don't know
Whose it is
He came in daylight
He came as a friend
He came as a game
That I didn't know
Not loving you?
Why, that's too easy
Like painting in black and blue
Like counting to thirteen
Starting with one, two
They see the shiny outside,the one that looks brand new.They see the gloss and all they think is“That’s what I want, too.”
The night was dark
The shadows darker
As they danced on the walls
They sang of a story
Of a young boy
And writhed in the pain of it all
Breathing
His hot breath on my neck, he’s
Deceiving those around him
Skin crawling, tears falling
Blows to the ribs, blows to the thighs
I'm not ready to forgive you.I can't forget what you did to me.When you told me no one would believe me, that it was your word against mine. Whenever someone asked me "Are you okay?" or "How are you?" I always replied with "I'm fine",I wasn't fin
You can't protect them.
You can't change the inevitable.
You couldn't my fate Mom.
You couldn't change my fate Dad.
Everything that happened, God, it was bad.
Waking up to you is like discovering a foreign place.
I trace every birthmark on your skin to find your face.
I was a vast land, long forgotten and claimed my none.
Curious eyes reached beyond the horizon, it had begun.
801-456-1234. That's the nuymber he'll get when he asks her out because nowadays it's safer to make up a phone number than to turn a man down.
I am more than my past.
I am not the things my abuser told me I was.
I am strong.
I am not imperfect.
I am like a stained glass window,
My broken peices make me beautiful.
I am 18 years old and I fully understand that the world is so cold.
I am 18 years old with a story that is not yet told.
I am 18 years old and I've seen a lot of things.
I cry a lot, don't you?
I trust people too easily
I'm trusting you.
I forget things a lot, don't you?
I lie to people too easily
I'm not lying to you.
And this is how it starts. We're halfway into this cheap bottle of wine, both of us have seen "Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone" at least three dozen times, and don't think I haven't noticed your hand on my thigh.
Woo hoo. Donald Duck film at school today.
I'm so happy I'm five, cause now I get to do
all the fun things and stuff.
Donald showed me what to do if a fire comes to my house
I feel the shadow of fear creeping down the dark hall
slipping noticed into the room - my eyes squinched tight
But i know that shadow even with my eyes closed don't I
am I crazy?
so I've been fucking told!
I always thought I would save the world from pain.
Tiptoes, softly, gently steering
he towards me, and me I'm fearing
thief of childhood ever nearing
INNOCENCE OF 8 EYES DIE
My flaws are my weapon.
The scars on my body distract from the scares on my mind.
I have seen things.
Little girl stood strong and free,
With her head held high,
And her eye in the sky,
But little girl is different from you and me.
Little girl used to run and play,
She had friends by her side,
No secrets would she hide,
But soon little girl began...
I`m standing in the dark
"kiss it"
he tells me
it`s my parent`s restroom
he`s standing between me and the door
he`s looming
and I am alone
"kiss it."
louder this time
The sticky sweet smell of your cologne in my hair
I couldn't push you off, I didn't even dare
No, you didn't rape ne
But what you did was just as bad
Your hands down my pants, around my neck
She stared into oblivion
Unaware of her surroundings
Trapped in those memories
So painful is her hurt
Is it reality
Or a fallacy
Plagued with the dreams again
Desperately in need of a friend
I wake just to hear
my parents argue back and forth in fear.
I didn't know what was going on.
As I listen, they yell at my sister...
every denial from her made my dad angrier.
You irritate me.
You touched your daughter.
Actually, you touch not just yours,
but God’s!
You sick and twisted man.
You try your hardest to get it in
his hands caresses every curve of my undeveloped body
every touch; it burns of sin
i scream but no one hears me
i struggle but he wont stop
tears, anguish and frustration
sweat escaping through help
I lay with his tie flapping in my face.
I close my eyes to take the pain away.
He tells me it'll only happen this once,
but I know now that is a lie.
As that is what he said last time.
If you looked at me you wouldn’t know the truth
You would not suspect anything at all
but something tragic happened in my youth.
Nothing could have prepared me for the fall.
i wanna be free, like in the books that i read, let my words mean more tha
Teacher Teacher, do you see us as passing faces?
Another year another set of faces?
Don't you want to know more?
More about us?
Like how Miranda's mother tells her she's worthless?
when i was five,
anxiety disorder laced in my genetics,
i couldn’t fall asleep until i whispered a prayer,
tears and snot dripping onto my pillowcase,
so god would protect me from the nightmares
a dark night. a young girlwalksaloneher steps echoingunfamiliar footsteps
no destinationvaigely familiar streetsnot far from a placeshe callsHer home(for now)
I sit here letting out silent pleas
With the blood that I bleed.
I cut myself, once again,
Hoping that it will cause my heart to bend
Bend yet not break
But in the end, I can barely keep myself awake.
I am broken.
My skin, my soul, my heart, my mind.
I am broken.
I am wounded.
My heart has been stabbed and
Is bleeding out of silence
Crying hoping someone would see….
But they don’t.
You say I’m limitless, but I must say, I disagree. You tell me, “You can be anything you want to be.” But again, I must say, “I’d have to disagree.” I’m a limited human being. I can only become “so free.” I can only show bits of pieces of me.
I look in the mirror and what do I see? The beautiful girl God created me to be. But just wait a second, it wasn’t always that way. Rewind 16 years, and that’s not what I would say. As just a little girl, I grew up in a crazy world. My parent
The children, the children
Will anyone care
A little girl just wants somebody to care
So badly, so badly
They want to be loved
Who to call mommy
Who to call daddy
To my father whose blows bruised my body and my heart
Who did everything in his power to make me feel like less of a man
Whose hands, rough and worn by the harsh realities of life, I still fear to this day
I write to you.
Victimized yet again.
You'd think you'd get used to it by now.
You think
"Hey, it's happened before;
what's different about now?"
But every incident has its impact.
Every touch;
every rub.
This is a video recording of a spoken word piece called Resilient Rose. This poem is dedicated to survivors of abuse, trauma, or tragedy. Don't give up!
I came
I went
I left broken
I'm gone
and haunted
will I cry and break
or will I hold strong for mothers sake
I came
I went
I left broken
when we first talked i thought all was well with the world, you were sweet and kind and going to be mine... But when we went on our first date something arose like a snake and struck me with its fangs as fast as light.
Oak pressed back,
Musk pressed forward,
Suffocation burnt into my cells.
Never forget your first time.
Singing is my escape; my escape from life.
When I sing, I pretend I am on stage
with a spotlight on me.
I imagine being a role model for those who need one;
for the little kids who need someone to look up to, I will
"My body is my temple"
If we're going to use that metaphor
It is a temple in ruins
A temple weathered by wind and rain
It is a temple with no soul
A temple with no hope
The woman holds the doll
She tells me
"Show me where"
I feel like I'm in
One of those cheesy therapy movies
I tell her
"I don't remember, lady"
She stares
I don't remember the abuse
I don't know if she was born in this country
if her middle name starts with a J
if she played hopscotch with her friends when she was 11
I don't know much more than that she came from New York
I do not understand
Why I was ignored
I do not understand
Why I was turned away
I do not understand
Why I was not believed
Why I was thought to be a liar
Just like I do not understand
