This isn't me

I am out here

I am not here

This body

I don't know

Whose it is

 

He came in daylight

He came as a friend

He came as a game

That I didn't know

I didn't want to play

 

They never told me

I couldn't trust them

The seven year old

Didn't know

 

This isn't me

I take off my clothes

And I don't look down

I wonder if he remembers

I wonder if he liked it

 

We see each other

And we smile

I wonder if 

They can see

How my heart

Beats faster

Than it took

For his hands

To take off my clothes

I wonder if

They can see

How my hands

Shake before I remember

To close my fist

 

You can't understand

Unless you are one of us

A statistic

A category

 

There are times I wonder

If I made it all up

Until the clothes come off

And his fingerprint

So long ago

Still stains me red

I see it

 

I want them to understand

I want them to reach

Into this tornado

Into my calm center

And pull me out

I want to be okay

I want fear

To not be a gender

I want nightmares

To be something

Other people talk about

I want to

Walk to my car

And not look for

Escape routes

As if his hands

Are reaching for my throat

 

I'm tired of fear

I'm tired

Of the sympathy

"It makes sense now"

Like my rape

Is a proverbial

Light bulb

As if I now make sense

I am not a rape victim

I am a woman

Who was raped

My survival is my life

And there is no prize

Congratulations

For doing

What others find normal

Now go to sleep

And wake up

And this is not me

I am a shadow

I watch this

Body change

And I think

What would it

Look like

Slashed with red?

 

This is not me

I am a woman

This body

This malformed

Mistreated

Misunderstood

Disproportioned

Misshapen

Monstrous

Body

This isn't me