Emotional abuse
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Trapped
When I woke this morning
I felt an urgency to escape,
yet I felt helpless
as if I were a rabbit
with one leg caught in a steel trap
and was trying to decide
all i could think about
when he pushed his way inside of me
was his enchanting stories of a better life
Can you soothe a black hole if its matter
Is made of hate? Gravitational field
Strong as blood and as painful as laughter.
So consumed with itself it cannot yield.
I remember when mommy told me
that if you trust a man, he will hurt you.
I never thought much of this. Instead of
listening to her, I asked, “mommy, where
is daddy?”
home
a house
separated by nature
walls on all sides
no sidewalks no neighborhood
kids
no one to hear you yell
i thought i did something that made you mad
made you hate the way i blink
or hate the way i shiver when it’s cold outside
i thought i did something that just
People always told me,
That my best friends could become my enemies.
Too bad nobody warned me about my family.
In my time of need,
The pain he leaves you with
is not your identity.
You are not what he said you are
and “crazy”,
When I was five I had a Daddy
He was tall and kind
And he called me his princess
But he was scary when he was mad
I told a fib and he grabbed my arm
Our lives
are inexplicably connected
and I hate that
Every corner
I attempt to turn
your face
lingers, leering
with kindness and hesitation
I scrub myself
Cover my eyes so I may see no Evil,Cover my eyes so I may not see you.But your Love keeps me tied to you like some unwanted tether,A Golden Lasso of something I no longer wish to have.
“I love you more than anything,” you once whispered in my ear,
while you read aloud Goodnight, Moon in my pillow forts,
and hummed quiet lullabies so I could rest.
“I love you too.”
Because I am a nice person,I will mother and worry over you.Because I am a nice person,I will let you have your way.Because I am a nice person,I will let it slide.Because I am a nice person,
I look at him
And he looks back at me
And I know we remember
I know we are both thinking of that time
Different pages
Same plot
You told me who I was,
Made me work just to belong.
You told me what I thought,
And then convinced me I was wrong.
You say “It never happened,”
Now I’m questioning my sanity.
by Ariel Douglas (2 June 2018)
I believed you
I trusted you
You broke me
You used me
You never loved me
You took my heart
A viper can choose, consciously,
how much venom to release
with each encounter, as if
he knows which birthdays to forget
and which biting remark
When I stopped writing when he broke me,
It wasn't too big of a deal.
My writings weren't very good back then anyway,
It really was just “emo poetry” like he called it.
Still yet,
It was one way of coping
I wish I could say “I hate you.”
I wish I could say “I love you.”
I wish for these two things,
And they tear me apart;
One leading down a path of no return
My heart has been ripped apart by your words your seething lies I denied because my love for you made me blind. Where is the light? You laugh at me as your darkness chokes me smothers the light that I wish would come back.
I don't know why I was attracted to you
Its not like you were a good person from the start
But after it was all over, you left me blue
After you left you still made my life fall apart
The saying goes,
"If you place a frog into boiling water,
It will immediately jump out.
But if you place a frog in lukewarm water
And slowly turn up the heat,
It will stay in the water
Until it dies.
you were my day and night
you were balanced
everything was as nature intended
but your nights got longer
the days ended sooner
you started suffocating me into your dark dimension
for so long you've been sinking
belly full of stones
i press my lips to yours
with the notion
that breathing outward might send you upward
but somehow
accidentally
i breathe in
I’m afraid of spiders their hairy legs and relentless fangs
Afraid of the tallest heights looking down from the stairs
As if they are a 200 foot skyscraper
Dear Daddy,
Can your sins be forgiven if you have forgotten?
Should I not hate you if you don’t remember the pain you’ve caused,
Or is that all the more reason to?
Why did you forget anyway?
to you, who loved me without love:
it has been so long.
three years ago
You were everything.
had not
touched me yet
To you,
You know who you are,
so dare I write your name? Dare I continue writing?
I dare because that is what you taught me to do.
“Dream on, dream big, never be subpar,”
Dear Catty,
Sometimes I'm still scared
Terrified
Horified
I don't remember because I repressed all the memories, here is what I remember.
Keep searching for the lyrics of a broken heart
But no words can really express the pain that I feel
No one will ever understand the life I have lived
So I am left here to write this myself.
There is a boy who always smiles
as long as he's not home
his friends all think he's happy
and no one really knows
he goes to school happy
just to get away
Dear Future Child(ren) I was only sixteen when I told your grandparents I never wanted to be like them.To start off on that note is probably the least positive I could've done, I'm aware.
Sometimes I can't tell if I'm falling in love with the person or the moment. Sometimes I wish I could still dwell in my depression with you. It felt easier. At least I wasn't alone.
You wanted a seed, to bloom a flower of your own kind. Change it to your preference, to prod and pluck. Yet this flower began to wilt and wither into defiance. Disempowered, you gave up on it, no longer yours to handle.
He is a monster.His mouth widens to reveal three rows of teeth, and he is covered with blood.My blood.Even though he is hidden in the shadows, his pale skin shines through,Blinding me.When he walks into the light, his demon black eyes shift into a
The first time you found me,
I was a little girl.
You told me I could trust you
and then you turned around and ruined me.
“No one loves you like I do”
The words that once seemed lovely
Burrow into the crevices of my mind
Right next to “you’re not good enough” and “you’ll never achieve anything”
“No one loves you like I do”
I am not lessYou are not moreThough we may fussIt’s each other we’re for. When the moon risesI take you on adventures,You bring me surprisesThey all become treasures. You, me, we are forever,You say “I can count on you,”.You say when we’re togethe
blood is thicker than water, they say
but to me, they are the same
i feel the blood leaking out of my heart
like liquid pain boiling through my skin
and
I needed basics:
Respect, compromise, patience, compassion.
Bare necessities to hold what was already crumbling
It was wrong to ask for them.
am I dead to you yet
you almost killed me that last time
when my eyes glazed over and you fucked me anyway
This poem is about breaking
Because you loved me.
this body is riddled with breaks
Mother,Did you ever see me as a child
and not a possession?
Or was I the duplicate picture of your second-hand negro barbie,
Because I love you
I heard it every day
After each beating
After each round of screaming
I cowered
Because he loved me
He loved me so much it was an honor to be his
To be worth his time
How can it be love
When the girl you say
You love
Is afraid to speak her mind?
How can it be love
When you say you love me
Human beings,
With soft warm skin,
Galaxies beneath their eyelids,
Are meant to be handled with care.
The label,
‘Fragile’,
Not visible to the eye,
Goes unnoticed by many.
You, however,
maybe when you left
my tears weren't because i lost you
maybe because i was alone
with my own thoughts
maybe i was in love with the attention you gave me
maybe i was in love with you
That's so stupidYou're the most beautiful woman in the world I love you most. And thrashing and hatingAnd loving and hating I'm just so tired of thisWell, maybe just one more chance And knowing and "forgetting" And soaring and hell And I love yo
A healthy relationship
is butterflies of joy and excitement
not fear and sadness
A healthy relationship
is sharing my feelings, open and honest
not hiding everything so you don't get mad
The choker around my neck might as well symbolize a collar.
Connected to a leash that holds be back.
I stare out of windows and whine about wanting to see the outside world.
Come with me, let's pretend
To see a sweet scene, a gentle scene;
A mother with her child,
But don't be fooled
It soon will end
The scene changes;
But it was just a baby--
I keep holding on to fragments of you. Shards of possibility glitter with promise.
I feel you slipping through my fingers.
I grip you tighter, cutting myself as you leave my grasp.
My pain stains on your beauty.
Here is an Ode to a love I do not miss.
Here is a cheer to the man who flipped me upside down inside out
A cheer to a man who made me see what my real worth is
A man who made me realize my true potential
I know immersion.
The complete encapsuling.
Do you love?
It is different.
For each person-
Their own love,
An immersing love.
For me, words.
Reading, writing, speaking.
watching the rain fall
makes me vulnerable
every emotion i've ever felt
pours out of me
you
all of my emotions lead
back to you
joy
desolation
envy
lust
all at once
A smile is all I've got
When he makes me feel like I'm not worthy.
A smile is all I've got
When he decides his words won't hurt me.
A smile is all I've got
On cloudy days of gray,
My mistake…was not knowing I was suffocating.
backed against the wall of a mental imprisonment.
The words you said twisted into a rope contorted around my neck….
tightening,
I keep coming back to you
even after all the shit you've put me through
I try to stay away and guard myself
but I can't, and I won't
you're poisonous to my health
now things get worse
“Have you ever been abused?”
My therapist asks me this not knowing that one word commanded my attention
Abused?
I replay my favorite scene of Pretty Woman in my head
Dear Dad,
I am not emotionally charged right now, so I figure it would be a good time to start this.
Your love was a bouquet of roses,
deep scarlet,
like your proclaimed adoration for me.
The storm,
immense with grief,
truly impossible to escape.
You've only hit me once
Across the face with an open palm
It wasn’t that bad,
What hurt worse was the betrayal
You had never hit me before
I sat down to write about moving on
Becoming me.
But who is me when there is only You
It doesn't feel as if I'm going
The walls are still closing in
Because of you I'm scared for life
Because of you I'm scarred for life
Because of you I'm afraid to trust my best friends...
At the moment it was the same
the perfect scenario, fitting in
the life of two to become one
it’s shattered like class dropped
I remember when I small
And I would ask you for a sleepover for my every birthday
Because I wanted to be close to you
Because I think I secretly hated living at home
Children lying prostrate on the floor
Overworked and under-born
And on the sabbath every week
You come alive and watch them bleed
Watch them weep into the sea
Streaming colors laced with dreams
I was never meant to attain remission;
The persistent emptiness was always terminal.
You were the IV
that pumped saline through my veins,
the sheets
We all have reasons.
Some decide to fall in line
to grow up and away from
criminals beneath us.
And some decide to become them.
Choosing is not easy
though we think we
know what's right.
How do you know
When you’ve outlived
Your welcome?
I’ve always been distant
Never right in front of you
If I weren’t anchored to this body
If u hurt me I'm not coming out to play
In this lonely house I will stay
I will look after myself in this deserted home
It is where I am shielded and can safely roam
If you look through the windows you will see
I lied for your attention.
“It’s broken”
“Sorry, ran out of ink”
“I had to shut it down because of the storm”
All of these excuses I told
Not because I hated you
But because I loved you
I am your very own flesh and blood
Your eyes
Your hair
Your hands
I share them
Wake up everyday.
Get dressed everday.
Go to school everyday.
Hide everyday.
I was young,
Innocent,
Naive.
It happened to me.
I didn't know it was wrong.
Some days these words you speak
fly at me, attack me
leaving me overwhelmed, bleeding.
These weeks my heart is overloaded
by your cutting tongue,
your biting opinion of what is right
Why
Does Daddy keep hitting me?
Why
Does Daddy keep yelling?
Why
Does Mommy keep hurting me?
Why
Does Mommy keep screaming?
Why
Am I so hated?
Why
Am I so worthless?
Dreams that compose an ever-so-distant me
Wrap around in a cloak of contingency
Mirrored walls guard my heart
Deflecting and rejecting all chances of happy
Raindrops on my window
Teardrops on my cheeks.
The pain is so strong that it is sinking in.
I thought about calling you and pouring my emotions out, but there is so much to say I would have to shout.
When I was a young child
I was abused.
I won't say which way,
how or even why I think it happened to me,
but it did.
My mother would tell me how
beautiful she was and how
You hooked her heart up to strings
Told her you'd give everything
You'd cover her scars with a ring
Your little puppet gave everything
You pushed and pulled on the ropes
She bent and bent 'til she broke
Your glasses left indents on your nose
Like your words did to my persona
It was something in your hands
Wrinkled from holding on to loves lost and far gone
You liked to choke the life out me
I break away from you,
So I can live my life.
I don't know what I'm going to do,
Perhaps just try to survive.
I'm able to do as I want and my voice will be heard,
Because now I am as free as a bird.
There's little to say
about man and his many ways.
About how happiness and hurt
can be the same.
How a 'I love you' and
'I thought you loved me'
could be twisted in meaning
Castigation weighs down her shoulder,
A burden, she understands,
Unfair, she understands,
Immoral, she understands,
Dry eyes tell a different tale.
I was meuntil I met you
Marinating in your daily bath of pessimismmy needsand all the vervethat is my compositionshriveldecomposing to soot
No one listened, no one cared
My words meaningless against theirs
So young yet so lost
I was supposed to be ignorant to the pain of this world
My only friend who truly knew
Words began slipping from the creases of your mouth.
I tried stopping them,
Catching them with my bare hands,
But I couldn't stop them.
I never could control you.
Hell is looking into your eyes and knowing I meant nothing to you. You who I have given my whole being to. I turn quickly away as tears pour down my face in a never ending cascade of false hopes and broken dreams. Congratulations! You did it!
