I lied for your attention.

“It’s broken”

“Sorry, ran out of ink”

“I had to shut it down because of the storm”

All of these excuses I told

Not because I hated you

But because I loved you

I vied for your attention

Competing against the inanimate objects

That held you so tightly

I pried their grip from your heart

I cranked the crowbar till my fingers bled

And where I once stood

By your side all night

You took electronics

Paper and pen

Over carving scars into my heart

Please

Oh, please

Why won’t you see that I’m begging

For the blood to run down my wrists

To trickle onto the ceramic

To find its way into your sink

I know I broke you a hundred times

And I think this is all a formality to you

But to me it is

Screaming on my bedroom floor

“IM SORRY” carved into your wrist

Silence warring against the roar in my brain and

And…

 

I caused it.

I gave you those scars

Tried to push you away

Brought the hammer down

On an already tattered pair

And when I thought

“This is it, I’m finally rid of you”
You turned around and roped me back

A screaming silence

Begging to whatever was out there

“Not her, why her?”

And when silence broke through the lonely night

Regret filled my lungs

As I wished beyond all wishes that my screams would have torn out my vocal cords

So that never again would I have the chance to give you pain

 

Here we are, thousands of miles away

A country apart

Yet in the same one

And as the summer approaches
And I slowly

Regrettably

Crawl towards you with

Empty promises and

Infected wounds

Will you hold me and say

“Everything will be fine”

Or will you push me away?

I’m not sure which one I want more.