hopelessness
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I stand on the bank on the other side
And look back to where I started
Before I crossed the raging currents
I feel a great sense of relief
The flailing in the water,
Isn't it funny how sometimes
The fear doesn't come until the danger's already passed?
.
But then it hits you, all at once,
As if to try to make up for it
For letting it's guard down
I'm sitting on the tongue of a wild beast--
The red rasp stained like concrete when children scape their knees.
I can't fall. I know I can't fall again,
because I'm terrified to see the bones underneath--
Sleep muffles me, it’s like thinking through cotton
The air fills with burning gold, the ruddy sky blooming
“Why must I do this?” I think as I hit the snooze button
We was once there together living in hell but praying for better
It was all worthwhile you raised me with care from a infant to a kid
From there i am here we moved as a unit was joined at the hip the heart
We was once there together living in hell but praying for better
It was all worthwhile you raised me with care from a infant to a kid
From there i am here we moved as a unit was joined at the hip the heart
I try so fucking hard
to hold onto hope.
When everything is
slipping out of my grasp,
And it feels like my world is
drowning in ink.
I try too fucking hard
to hold onto hope.
Tell me of all the idiosyncrasies you developed as a result of your first trauma,and I will tell you of all the times God has let me down.Follow me down twisting alley-ways and one way roads,
Disgust is in disguise.
In the world's crust, it hides.
But it’s all on us, we normalize.
We adapt to pain to make chains.
And no change.
Where do frogs go in the winter?
What do they do?
Do they huddle under covers like me and you?
Forgive me, you and I, a terrible mistake.
I was misguided.Interpreting all of my feelings wrong
I don't want to travel
I want to see world,In one person.And have them want me back, forever
Nine days back turned I 28
Today you went away
Though rarely you made your presence
Which felt so strange and out of place
And it's Corona and no friends to pay
the last to you of farewells
I don’t know what you see
But I see nothing
A hollow mirror
A darkened view
A shallow existence
That’s all I see
You can try all you want
To make me whole
To make me see
Desert
Broken dreams.
Fronteirs
of symbolic darkness.
This is Land's end
( not the clothing company)
just
sun,
scorching summer's skin
and in winter
a cold that
permeates
The teacher told me to study more.
My family wanted me to do well in school,
And because of the teacher, my grades began to soar.
Studying soon became a chore,
Depression is a black cloud
That hangs over my head
And follows me everywhere
I’ve tried to run
I’ve tried to self medicate
I’ve tried talking it out
I’ve tried crying till my tears dry up
It's been too long since I wrote an actual poem.
Phrases, lyrics, verses, whatever they're called, they just don't
come to me like they use to anymore.
Burdens, mistakes, curses, whatever my excuse is,
I don't know what I'm doing or
what I have been doing
or what I want to do
but it's coming to an end and
I'm unsure
I can't hold on,
I can't let go...
I keep on breathing
But each breath is suffocating.
My heart keeps pounding
But in my own blood,
I'm sinking.
There's been ample bloodshed,
There's been plenty of death.
They've had enough pillage,
They've had enough breath.
They've taken my childhood,
One I didn't get the chance to know.
your presence opened up a new ray of sanguinity
that enveloped my soul into a layer of diminished sanctuary
that i embraced wholeheartedly and nourished like a decaying flower
People are not all that they seem,
streams of lowered self-esteem.
Darkness running through and through,
constantly running into you.
Hopelessness keeps you up,
you are falling into a rut.
I'm not here
I'm not here
I'm so far from
where my path is gonna take me
I'll be smiling
but I don't mean it
I'll be laughing
but I don't feel it
I want to know why the sky is blueAnd why Death must come so soonWithout warning, life is dueBut not ever knowing why the sky is blue. I want to know where the willows lie--Why their hearts can never dieAnd Mother Earth will always denyWe're sea
It's funny how stuff works out,
No matter how loud I shout,
You can't hear.
It's funny how shrill I cry,
Funny how much I try
To disappear.
But it's the holiday season, so what is my reason to die?
The razor no longer slides through my wrist,
But I'm bleeding through the falling tears.
I have it all. I have the friends.
I have the love. I have the family.
What doesn't kill you makes you stronger
Or so it is said
But depression didn't kill me
Just made me wish I was dead
Ironic.......isn't it?
I was stuck in the darkness
Hadn't seen light for a while
Dear Creation,
I am at a crossroads with myself
a sinner with high standards
believing that someday I’ll find happiness
with someone
I am ancient hopes,
I am fragile dreams,
I am the stony, hardened tears
of a soul with too many years,
in a journal with degraded seams
as a blind heart in darkness gropes
I used to have this feeling of connectivity
but its gone now
and I can't get it back
but I want it back
Please,
Please don't shut me out
I don't have anyone
When you head down a corruptive path
Darkness is what you will often find
Nothing but a somber and gloomy matter
One may sadly lose their mind
All of your trust is thrown out the window
it is difficult
to have loved someone
who will never feel the same,
because a hopeless love
is the emptiest
and loneliest love
there could ever be.
lessons can be learned,
however,
The worst part is that no matter
who I am with
I am lonely
So lonely that I will slice open my skin bag
in hopes that I will find
friends in my scars
But I never do
I only find blood
It was here, that I found myself close to the edge
And I almost thought, with you, I could find a pledge,
To destroy this part of me that wanted to commit my own death
I dont wanna cry.
I dont wanna lie about what happened in my past anymore.
I dont wanna wake up in the morning and see the same
face that hurts me everyday.
I dont wanna see the sun anymore.
Boom! Crash! Snap.
"We can't protect the fallen.
We can't relieve the screeching
Even if we try."
Trembling and weak
It has become so
that tears and water droplets
are too similar.
Mechanical gears grinding in a damp room beneath the surface
Metal on metal , ear piercing racket , the noise resonates within
Yet remains muted from above
He's done unspeakable things
He's torn lives apart
Yet I still hear wedding bells ring
They ring within my heart
Oh, love, you make me foolish
The lack of you makes me weak
It has been said
That lions are the fiercest of beings
Strong jaws, sharpened teeth -
Ready to pounce.
Every day the lion waited
I saw him around corners
Prowling in the distance
What do I do?
What do I say?
Feelings
They are sharp
Poison-tipped arrows
The bow string is pulled tight
Soon it will release
They will harm
Anything they touch
Disappointment after disappointment.
Don't put your trust or hopes in any person, don't place your self-constructed expectations on anyone,
Or else disappointment, sadness, and hopelessness is all you will feel.
When I was a young boy, I had a conversation with my mother.
I asked her why she gave me the nickname "Chipmunk,"
And she said it was because I had the eyes of a chipmunk,
Bright and curious and full of life,
My heart is best decribed
as being a bird in a bottle,
with fleeting wings beating
against glass lungs.
It sits on the border
of yesterday's panic
and tomorrow's desperation,
Can't anyone see me?
See this fake smile on my face?
See these tears that I hold back?
Can't you see the pain that I'm in?
You all see this wall of protection that I have put up,
He was getting ready to go to work that hot morning when she called him. He hadn’t expected to hear from her and now that her name was splashed across the screen of his ringing phone, he didn’t know what to think. He was both excited and scared.
My despondency wraps it's arms around me,
Motherly embrace,
I cannot walk away..
My pathos leading me to beautiful mourning,
Waves of melancholy spreading all over my body..
I cannot walk away.
With stained eyes and blurry vision
I tried and tried with much precision
But no matter what I couldn’t do it, I couldn’t take away the emptiness I felt
However, I did gain a deeper understanding I can barely articulate,
The idiot stares at the page
And reads his own death sentence
And signs his name proudly on the bottom
I guess I'm an idiot then.
Cause every word I write takes time,
i'm not upset i'm not upset i'm not upset
i'mnotupseti'mnotupseti'mnotupset
i'mnotcrying
i'mokay
i'll be alive tomorrow
and life will move on
and what i'm left out of
and what i don't get
I was happy.
Exuding confidence with each breath. To a fault, but my favorite fault.
And eternal fire in my mind, kindling the holy rush that was my ego.
It claims the silence
Strangles the hope, full of hollow eyes and
Haunted souls and shudders of chilling rains.
The trap is taut.
I trip.
I am unloved and unwanted
I wonder if I will ever be accepted
I hear the voices in my head
I see them laughing at me
I want to be accepted
I am unloved and unwanted
Captured
Fearful bird
Tremor overrides
Prisoner my body
Heart died from fright
Captured this poor soul
Freedom lost
Happiness dead
Broken soul
Am I lost or have I looked too far into the truth into the valley of death where we all perish in?
I can't breathe anymore.
I'm drowning.
How did I end up here?
I am just failing,
my inner self is cracking.
Nothing is important anymore:
my hopes
my dreams
nothing.
Go on, do it
I dare you
Eliminate the innocence
Illuminate the sky
There’s no need for your presence?
I can assure you that’s a lie
How could this have happened? I invested my trust in you
Ode to Darkness
You have existed
since the beginning
of time
and for too many years
and to too many minds
have been
misunderstood
Don't go, please don't
he cried out to his sun
as her restless waves
crashed his words into one
His numb, brittle fingers
tried to lift her spirit up
but the moon continued to linger
If I didn't change methen I don't know how I'd beI've lived my life through broken memoriesof who I once wasmixed with all the people who have shaped meinto the thing I am today
The silence that fills his ears mirrors the emptiness that lives within him.Yet the chaos that controls his mindpenetrates as deeply as the scars that litter his skin.
Slit my wrists and hope to die
Not for one more second do I want to have open eyes
Leave this world eternally
Sleep forever, oh so blissfully
No more worries to keep me up
No reason to give a fuck
To cut, to release
The anger exploding out like a beast
From the pain my family inflicts
Becomes physical abrasions on my wrist
But my wrist alone does not suffer
My left arm now also encounters
There is a secret to the monsters
You see
They crash and burn
When it is that you succeed
Strive for happiness
Strive for love
Strive for God
There comes a time in your life
When you stop checking
Behind shower curtains and under beds
Because you feel as if you would be better off
If the monster got you anyway
when is it approprate
to give up and give in
when can the breathing stop
and the struggles cease to be
must this tradegy continue
must there be a crash and burn
cannot this end here and now
I want to be a slave.
I’ll bear the mark of my master,
I’ll wear the chain,
I’ll cry myself to sleep at night,
I’ll endure the pain,
I want to be a slave.
My soul is in agony, because you’re loving he whom is not meI cringe by the thought of your memory; my emotions keep running through my bowels and my thoughts become rancidI love you but I hate you,
I can see the edge,
But I cannot see over it.
I'm holding on tight,
But I have nothing to show for it.
I know what comes next;
I'm familiar with this pattern.
But when this starts to bend,
The point of this is to be heard
Among a crowd, one reads my word
My story and struggle one must listen
The human race is full of malcontent, bigotry, ignorance, and destruction,
But the majority of you, so happy giddy people on social media,
only fill your news feeds with funny memes and meaningless statuses.
There is no day as was such yesterday,
There was time to whistle and scream,
with all the gleefulness of being gay.
How happy those longs lost day seem to be,
as we stand on the cliff looking over seas.
She was a flower,
She held herself high,
Strong,
White and filled with innocence.
But someone came along,
He took away the flower's sunlight,
He uprooted the flower,
Put her in a dark corner.
So this is me
Shoegazing
Always
An epiphany
And your garage rock sound
Does nothing to stir me
I just sit back
Watching the flow
Smooth over my edges
I’m waiting for someone to rescue me
I turn and pray endlessly
Where has innocence gone to?
This world is plagued by darkness
and no way to restore it
She wakes up
Feels the rush
All in one motion
Takes in the sickness
Because it peels skin
Until she bleeds
It clouds over her mind
Until it is black and toxic
Lost in that great forest.
Overwhelming darkness all around.
It is confusion, it is fear,
you taste it, hear it,
smell it on your own breath.
The footsteps of many a lost soul linger
Vulerable, Alone, Unstable.
Without the makeup, you can't make a smile
You can only cry because you don't have your costume.
Desparate
As you look for a way out
Darkness
Because you don't see the light
My voice leaves no echo.
I can shout, holler, scream
Cry, beg, or plea,
But nothing would happen,
Nobody would come,
As if my voice has no echo,
No sound,
No meaning.
Stretched in all directions,
a reflection of where you stand.
Left in, to fend with no defense,
horizons end is arid sand.
Tongue is numbed, a dry sponge
in your mouth on which you choke.
Happiness lost within a tired reality
A reality that rather be fiction
Fiction that wishes to be reality
The mind unravels to an unwanted place
a place that's been deferred
My fortune renders me silent.
An expression of the lost
Finds a hole in my chest.
I see the parallels in the death of a star.
the only thing i can hear is my heart beating in my ears
and the water coming from the shower head
shhhhhh
lub-dub
lub-dub
lub-dub
my mind is still
i’ve never felt pain like this before
Not many people have experienced true loneliness
It comes with the feeling of hopelessness
And makes you feel completely empty inside
It will make you want to curl up in a corner
Sympathetic, I am told my eyes are beautiful and cerulean; although, my emotions are not transparent.
They blend and shift across the parallel planes of my persona into realms of other kinds.
"Hope deferred makes the heart grow sick,"
But Hopelessness seems faithful; true; sincere.
While Life through darkened billow beckons "Come!",
The heart finds haven under Fear.
I look out across the dingy city.
Towers loom over the filthy streets,
the roads, broken, have no destination,
and the street signs, blank, give no direction.
Tell me a story, friend,
in the empty watches of the night
where only you and I exist on this perilous edge.
But don’t, don’t tell me about the tears in my eyes
or the bruises on your lips
Out of hope with no where to run
God's plan for me seems to be none
However when a light is seen
Be not tentative to take the lead
So when in despiration never doubt
That the good lord will show you the way out
