mourning
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I went back to our memory today.
The bench beneath us was white-washed
With the summer sun
And thousands of transient lovers’
Marks
I can taste the words
“I love you”
in the sweat that drips from his nose to my mouth
as he lingers above my body.
I can smell the words
In the dead of night, beneath a moon's pale glow
I dig with trembling hands where memories grow.
autumn reflectionswrinkled leaves wrinkled facesmourning dead leaves....Mark Toney © 2021.9/25/2021 - Poetry form: Haiku (for you)
To be worth a lifetime
Such a beautiful lifetime,
infact never in this lifetime will I allow love to take my soul and darken my eyesight,
When I think of inspiration I think of you.
The ways you’d play the flute while in need of a lung transplant, I haven’t got a clue. How you’d smile and wheel your oxygen while I carried your books.
It's midnight and I can't sleep
Again
I'd like to think you're still here
Still roaming down the hall searching for what you'd lost while you were breathing
When we assembleTo rememberThe days of joymoments of sorrowWhat should we talk aboutThe fortieth of timeOf freedomOf relationshipsOf broken heartsOf separated lovers
Mourning from or suffering with,
The dreadful time continues,
Close your eyes to look within,
A sea of anguish rising high,
Weeks and months drowned in terror,
The vicious affliction never ending,
Longing is such an apt word.
The physical space between us is now uncomfortably far.
Your presence is the early morning fog on a cool fall morning;
It was upon those rocky shores
On top of the craggy rock
Overlooking the tumultuous shore
Of water rushing onto the sand
And swiping at the blood there
I do not understand
Why he sabotaged me so consummately,
And made me look like
Such a pathetic old patsy,
Could he not discern the misery
He was shoring up by degrees,
So to say, your words clatter like thunderSpellbound, my thoughts cannot gatherSwept up in the cresting tideDisplaced by another of likemind
Step one: stay in your room alone, smash your phone against the wall so glass rain coats everything. Swallow darkness like handfuls of pills, or swallow darkness and handfuls of pills, let it boil in your throat so no color comes out.
Let the aroma,
the sweet intoxication,
of the lilies
take you away.
Their white petals,
beckoning,
follow them
Your eagle stands proud,
Crowing over these brown rubies sprawled.
But my boy's in a shroud
Everyone has bowed,
Neglecting their duties while their wounds remained raw.
Your eagle stands proud.
My name is a tombstone rubbing,I am dead and rotten,Flesh and coffin long forgotten,To roam the world underneath,In rubble, stone, and compost heaps,Lay not lilies at my feet,For I am no longer there
Death pervades my waking sleep,Icy wrathful breath of mildew and moss,Corrupting the images of light and love,Memories fleeting dreams,Rustles in the predawn curtains,Faint presence of something there,
I celebrate myself as I mourn myself.
For days I cried, for days I wandered, lost.
For days I was afraid, so afraid.
So lost.
So lost.
For days I rejoiced, life was so good.
Hickory, dickory, dock. Three mice ran up the clock. The clock struck one, and down two run, mourning the terrible loss.
Remember when I was born?
Remember when we went to Las Vegas?
Remember when we went to Chicago,
Dear Gabi,
Last night I had a dream that you were alive
That you had tried to jump out of your window, maybe to fly
And I sat by your side because you didn’t die.
Pain.
It wells up and chokes you,
And you can’t breathe.
When your heart tightens,
And it might burst.
When you lie awake,
And you can’t stop thinking.
When you’re wracked with sobs,
Death brings sadness
Obviously
Funerals bring family
Obviously
The body in the casket brings tears
Obviously
Dear lost lover,
I miss you in the morning.
My coffee doesn’t taste right without the hint of
your laugh
that you used to add to it.
The birds don’t sound as good as they used to without
My dear old friend,
It’s been a long time.
Since my fall to madness,
I never meant it,
You know that.
You know me!
Right?
Oh what a
fog I glimpsed today;
in a peculiar way,
it steamily lay.
It seemed to say
“hello” and “hey”
and depraved the morning day
of its fresh ache,
suspending heartbreak
Let me paint you a pictureI’m sitting on the edge of a cliffmy feet are hanging offand my hands are placed on the edgeone on each side.There is a nothing holding me backfrom shoving myself off this cliff
Tick tock,
The world clock tolls,
Chiming its mournful melody,
For those lost in sea.
Tick tock,
The world clock tolls,
I thought I had more time
They told me I was lucky
I had known you were fading
But that's just it
I didn't
The doctors had said before
"This is the end"
But you never quit
In the stories,
Funerals are on dark and dreary days,
Full of falling rain and fraught with cold.
Or,
They’re too pretty,
I stand on the corner of Canfield and Clarion.
I search for a familiar car to drive me away.
It is cold; there is no car in sight,
And the wind cuts deep into my soul.
Here in a room, with a glass full of liquor.
And crushed to know, I desperately do need her.
Standing there, staring right towards a mirror.
Feeling helpless, like a tragic bum filled with anger.
A year ago, my mom was diagnosed with cancer for the second time.A year ago, I found out I was moving from North Carolina to Illinois.
The impossible has happened and now I am impossibly numb.
The bitter sting of an empty core, I wanted more. More warmth more sun, more love, hope.
And I want more still.
Up on the hill in Deer Island Park, a sicamore is felled.
no one attends it's funeral, or wears a black veil in it's honour.
a man used to sleep under that tree, a woman took her children there for picnics.
I heard the news. I cried for weeks.
How am I ever going to come to terms with not having you in my life anymore?
Your smile, your laugh, your prescence. It filled the room whenever you were near.
Losing you felt like my heart was ripped out my chest,
I cried for many days all those sleepless nights,
constantly trying my best,
to stay strong and fight.
Wishing you never left,
wanting to bring you back,
Wasn’t it just night outside?
I can feel the sun.
Somehow I find myself again
splayed on the couch
SVU still muted on the screen.
Every morning starts like this,
in blurred disarray
It's been Two years
Two years since your world
Has fallen apart
You think you've moved on
That the nebula that has
collapsed in on itself
has finally stopped
Haunting your memories
I missed you today
I sang a song that reminded me of sitting across from your atrophic mind,
Telling you truths in a way that kept it off the pain long enough for you to rest your weary eyes
She's dead and I'm gonna die
And this will all come to nothing, because I don't do things half way
This won't end peacefully
I might smile as I burn the things that I have to get rid of
Kind. Solid. Steadfast.Fatherly."God loves you, Erin, and I do too."I listenedAnd I love.And when we parted,I missed him, and couldn't Wait a year to hear him.I found an address
I see the earth cleaved in two,
The tides drive away,
Sweet angels mourning,
As night befalls decay.
The crash implores the heavy sighs
Of men dying for a breath,
Signalling the final song
Maybe it was the way she took care
of me with love, as if I would break
Maybe it was the way she would tend my clothes with such willingness,
allthough being sick
The darkened pall of misery has come,
The blade of death has fallen once again,
Upon the neck of youth and happiness,
My mother came to visit me todayAn hour and a half she would stayShe told me I was beautifulReminded me I was specialAnd so I wrote her a letterFor the things I should of said better
As the days pass,
each one harder than the last,
Not a single day passes,
in which my mind relaxes,
You're running through it all day,
my throat still clenches,
before every word I say.
Now that you're gone,
I sit here and wait,
You've been away too long,
I'm still expecting to hear you come in late.
In the middle of the night,
you tend to cross my mind,
The wind on her face
The slight retrace; of what once was.
The warmth of his cheek
The breeze of the air; forever there
And when the tears come rushing out
They find their way down to the ground
Upon the tombstone you’ll forever lay
If only you were able to stay
Within the cycle of life
Soul filled with mourn
Your eyes used to be so bright
They looked straight forward
Unnerving but more alive than all those around you,
They used to look so colorful and awake
What changed you?
Was it the people?
The morn is still
The sun drags on, weary
across the brightening sky.
Elsewhere, the harsh cock crow
Can be heard from the ruby chanticleer.
A boy's face is still and calm
Rose soft petals,
Gently blowin' in the wind,
Whirling around my legs,
Pulling me forward into the end...
I walk softly and gracefully,
Leaving my heart to follow,
The wind caressing my hair,
The clergy plays their swan song
You cry out it's all wrong
No one notices over their song
Leather skin the casket holds
The corpse didn't even get to see twelve years old
HOOK:
How would you feel if I went away? How would you feel I went today? Would you still love me?
Would you remember me?
VERSE:
This is a story about Trevor.
He was 13 and lived with his mother.
I could feel her soul fading, her temperature dropping, and her heart beating one last beat.
I sit in a solid room
You’re floating in a tomb.
Here I go again, distant from my present,
Traveling to a ‘passive’ torment.
It’s an unwritten taboo to mourn, for too long for someone,
You asked me how I knew I loved you,
The words could barely leave my mouth.
I tried to write it, I couldn’t.
There was no ink, I could not do that to you,
You deserve to know the reason,
Sunlight shines through flowing drapes
spreading alabaster swords in all directions.
They stab at flooring and my semi-paralyzed body,
seeking to fill holes as if pain
A Life Never Lived
I hear them quarrel
About my life
So cold and immorel
Words like a knife
The truth is ungloved
First, you lost your mind
and I tried to help you
but you were already
gone.
Next, you lost your voice
there was nothing to do
but watch you.
A kiss so sweet
A smile so bright
She leaned over to me and whispered, "Good night"
Little did I know that this was her last
Litttle did I know about that crash
She's still in my dreams
Stop the silent killing,
everyday thousands are dead.
Mass genocide,
no one even cares.
Spirits are unsettled,
lying in purgatory.
Some mothers are left unwell,
others take it as "oh well".
The sky was painted
Like stained glass
As I sat in the backseat
Of my father’s car
I watched my darkened surroundings
Gradually brighten and reveal
The familiar landscape
Would you do it?
Kill a friend?
If you killed a child,
Would it end?
An elderly man
Wheelchair bound,
Would you knock him
To the ground?
What of a dog
Battered and beaten?
A single breath, a single tear
Rolling down my cheek
A hollow feeling, a hollow life
Leading me to my death
“Did you hear?
Nothing else matters right now.
I don’t care who is looking.”
He nods his head and I can’t help but fall apart.
I don’t even try to talk, because a my throat swells in sorrow
RIP 1921-2013 Though my body, broken and batteredHas long since faded away,My mind and soul and heartAre vivid and shall not decay. Though my bones may moan in protestOr my limbs cry out in pain,My spirit is as young as ever,For never shall I wane
A line, a queue, is distance ‘tween two points.
While the future end of ours did not change,
It grew back where we stepped in, human joints.
Two hundred souls we saw within our range.
Twist and turn,
My body will yearn.
Your presence is always near
Don't tell me you are not here.
So open your mind and dive into the shallow waters of your heart
You'll create a sort of dark-art
Listening to the music,
While tears stream down my face;
Is just another day.
I tell myself that tomorrow will be better?
But I know the truth.
Nothing will change.
Who was I kidding?
You were here just yesterday,
But in a split second you were taken right before my eyes.
Nothing has been the same.
Grasping at shadows. Reaching for Ghosts. Searching for figures along the coast. Looking for something real, something to hold onto. A single shred of proof that I am not alone.
I lie in bed at night
Thinking of what might have been.
I dream of white gowns and blue flowers.
Imagning all the whens.
But the whens never come because the ifs happened instead.
I have to re learn
to write
because my words got knocked out of my mouth
my teeth
they no longer speak
They harbor mice
and those mice
carry my teeth in their bellies
The trees are budding and all is brand new.
Yet the sorrow I'm feeling is so strong.
I wonder around my thoughts just of you.
Hoping this feeling won't last very long.
Praying for sleep after a warm bath,
lavender tea, chocolate jelly beans,
things meant to dull pain.
My hair is sopping, bleeding into my pillow
the pillow with the little angels on it.
Fitting.
fingers run down your coat.
a hand strokes your side.
you retain nothing.
where’s the love I once felt pouring from your skin?
you aren’t absorbing the love I’m rubbing to your bone.
move, baby, look at me.
It doesn't seem like much,
but it's been a lot.
I've seen you a million moments,
but it doesn't seem so true.
Ijust wish for one more moment with you.
Amillion goes by so fast,
The children, their smiles and joy,
a girl of twelve and one little boy.
They swing high, they laugh, they play,
they spin around the rustic merry-go-round, but the monkey bars they keep at bay.
Falling horizontalnow parallel with the A.M., dew drop, grassshovel on the blanketsof hearty, wholesomeearth.
The beauty of dawn, the beauty of day,
Like my love, washed away.
The beauty of dusk, the beauty of night,
Like my love, gone from sight.
Like Homer's heroes, like Vigil's men,
Spreading onwards for miles under heavenly blue skiesTall, majestic trees and endless, emerald grassDelightedly accentuated with graceful flowersVibrant beryls, vivacious browns, vivid orbs of beauty
There are people who find solace in deathI find the angel's path sodden, indifferentThere are those who yearning to lose their breathBut stop themselves with the lord being reverent
Honestly, It doesn't really seem like it's been four-years
Even If I cried I wouldn't know If I had any more-tears
The only thing I want in this world only is just you-here
you used toshine
your smile mendsthe folds of myheart
forever a kiss on mycheek
your voice wrapsme
your laughever so sadever so lovely
Say morbid things
They’re black silk
Fill us with them
The cold began to get to us
Sucking stubble
Perfect white - clouds rolling like hills under
A sky pale blue like his eyes: sightless, remembering.
Staring through a glass oval, indented deep
You weren't perfect
I'm not either
But we made each other smile
We made the time count
Now it's all gone
No more you
No more us
So I just sit here
Writing poem after poem
(poems go here)
Wish Heaven had a phone so I could hear your voice again.
I thought of you today,
but that is absolutely nothing new.
I thought about you yesterday,
and day before that too.
Today is the day we remember our people
who lost their lives in the twin towers.
The day that New York cried flaming tears…
That caused more pain than they released.
Our neighbors, being our neighbors
put him in a cardboard box
by the barn so on coming
home I would not, running
to his corpse, collapse and cry there
by the road. What care
did you have, my little Summer
Because I did not die,
I mourn.
And I realized
Heaven does not discriminate age.
Three times,
I held his hand.
Watched him slip.
And three times the gun-men fired.
yellow was the color of innocence
the color of our freshman year
it was the shade of the v-neck you bought at forever 21, on our trip to the mall
yellow, the color of the cheesecake we shared for mary’s birthday
Tears fall like rain on a deathly still face,
There’s no hope for her now, she’s in a much better place:
A place with no sorrow, a place with no pain
Still they clench her hand tighter, scream “Wake up!” in vain,
Dying on the inside
Every day,
I feel the trail of blood
Moving down my face
The agony, I can imagine
Our hearts I know were just the same
Our eyes two of a kind
Souls entwined
Do not douse the fire that you ignite;
The smallest spark will tie these tattered frays.
Keep pushing forward with a stronger fight.
Some say that time heals most,
But the truth is, it makes it worse.
When they're gone they leave you bleading;
A part of you leaving. Forever
Sometimes there is a stitch to help it,
if darkness is night and morning is light
ill take all the dark
and bring You to My light
if spirits fly and bodies weep
ill give Your body
strength to sleep
if wills do bend and bleed and break
