The impossible has happened and now I am impossibly numb.
The bitter sting of an empty core, I wanted more. More warmth more sun, more love, hope.
And I want more still.
But what can I do when I can't even differentiate up from down, light from dark, right from wrong, sin from song. The fire I remember that used to be inside is a mirage in my memory, it seemed like an illusion.
And now all I see is his face. At the airport, I remeber his face, I told him "daddy, don't go." And I still don't know why I didn't stop him.
How could I have known that he would forever sleep, when he said, "I will come back soon". The only promise he would never keep.
I've reflected and deflected, all the doubts and fears that creep behind me when I lay awake at night, contemplating the meaning life, and why and how it can be so unforgiving, merciless and fake to me. But only just recently have I tried to see the evident collateral beauty.
The beauty in the struggle, in the hurt and in the pain. The beauty in the blood that is running through my veins to pump my heart and keep me alive, I don't want to live a lie, I've just realized.
I'm selfish. And so are you and so are we. We are all guilty and that I garuntee, the darkness in a heart that can cheat and lie and steal and destroy an entire nation and force someone to kill. That can rob you of your money and make you go to court, that can stress you out so much that you have a stroke and thats where your story ends, but that's not all my friends. Becuase the light that resides deep inside can help us make ammends.
Accept our flaws and change some laws, if we can donate to a cause. A cause that can change us for the better. Better healthcare, better jobs. Oh and how could i forget to mention better education. A better way to stop a cycle of incarceration.
I'm numb. And that is one thing that feels real but that just means that I'm an empty cup to fill. Fill with all the things I longed for when I was in that dark place and pour that hope into others or the entire human race.
We're all different, that is true but we all share certain things, I'll name a few; were not perfect, we're not good, we don't always do the things we should. We all hurt, we have pain, we all lose, we all gain. But we can be good, if we try, we all have a reason why, we all were born, and we all die. But that's okay, becuase I say, if I have another day, I'll take that oppourtunity, I will not waste away. I want to make a change that lasts even when I'm with the lord, a change that continues and always pushes forth, I want to highlight that we all fall, but we can rise above it all if we care about eachother instead of building a wall.
Though I could go on with what is wrong, my ending is coming near. But I will always remember what I have learned here, and I hope that you do too, and spark a tiny flame. Instead of living your life with foggied eyes, so full of lies to realize, that you should live by your own name. Be yourself, be sincere, don't forget to cherish what you hold dear. I have seen a year of change, and the struggle is still real, but this year I can finally give myself a chance to heal, not just myself but the world and you can heal it too. I know this sounds so cliche, but it's true, the change that we seek in the world starts with me and you.