Green Billions

Wed, 06/18/2014 - 14:48 -- Noa

Location

Looking thru you to 

tomorrows i didn’t even know existed -

I can’t tell what’s dying

When I don’t know what’s living.

I change my perception of you in order to

Change my reality.

A belated birthday present - 

I apologize for not being present

For flying when i should have had

2 feet on the ground.

I have chained my consciousness to spaceships.

Have learned that all of our aliens

Are nothing more than personifications

Of what visits us in nightmares.

For I spend nights sinking when I should spend them dreaming.

But truth can be hard to swallow.

That’s why I hope for a better tomorrow

And numb the pain that shrieks through the back of my mind.

I don’t give it the time to speak.

I don’t give it any credence.

And so I start to float.

With seconds and minutes and hours passing by. 

I just watch.

And so I start to age.

Get gray hair and wrinkles - I’m growing old.

And so one day I might die.

I’m not sure.

I can’t yet prove my own mortality.

The very fact that it exists

Seems to be a negation of all this depth.

I have to experience it.

Experience the back of my mind, dig, dig, see what’s down there.

Maybe once an alien visited me in my sleep.

Showed me fourth dimension dreams.

Showed me what it’s like to have my soul ripped out of my body.

Showed me what it’s like to lose my mind - forget it ever even existed.

I’m looking through you to tomorrows

I didn’t even know existed

I can’t tell what’s dying

When I don’t know what’s living.
What are we if not ants.

We live for but a moment, and die the next.

I can’t tell you what I am when I don’t even know what my face looks like.

And we try to give our lives meaning.

We invent religions

Invent ways of looking at things.

But what are inventions and what is the truth?

Swimming in green millions

(-billions, I believe in you more strongly than I do myself)

But ultimately the connection is too weak

And I begin to sink.

I’m going to die one day and that’s the only thing I know as true.

My friend says he’s immortal - says he can prove it - says that just because everyone else has died doesn’t mean that he will.

But he doesn’t understand the truth of this human condition.

That everything will pass one day.

And we’re all trying to hold on so tight

Till all the flowers begin to wilt.

Hold on so tight that you can’t get oxygen to your lungs anymore.

Hold on so tight, hoping that maybe maybe one day, we won’t have to let go.

That we’ll be able to raise ourselves off of the cliffs we chained ourselves to.

Hoping that we won’t ever have to die.

Hoping to give our lives meaning.

The truth of the human condition is that there is no human condition.

We’re not humans we’re aliens trapped in our own skin.

We’re foreign we’re invaders

This flesh wasn’t meant to hold these souls

We’re too golden

This flesh wasn’t meant to contain us

Beauty and love are all that restrain us

From joining with the sun.

Because maybe, that’s all we are.

We’re aliens

We’re sun aliens

Trapped in earth bodies.

We’re the divine interplay between all that is cosmic and all that is mundane.

mundane - mund meaning earth

Nothing ordinary - just dirt.

We are the cosmic interplay.

I can’t tell what’s dying

When I don’t know what’s living

I change my perception of you in order to

Change my reality.

Because that’s all that I need to do.
All I need to do is squint and suddenly everything is blue

All I need to do is just and suddenly everything is new.

 

I can’t yet prove anything

I just watch

I just observe

And everything unfolds itself in ecstasy

 

You just need to let go

You can’t hold on any longer

You can’t keep letting flowers die.

Let go.

Comments

Need to talk?

If you ever need help or support, we trust CrisisTextline.org for people dealing with depression. Text HOME to 741741