Bulimia
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I remember
I remember when I could just eat
Eat because I was hungry
Eat because I just wanted to
Because that cookie just looked delicious
Taking a bite and feel happy
Yeah, I remember
Some girls say that they’re not pretty,
and staring into the saliva, mucous, and broken down bits of food swimming in the toilet bowl like fish in a porcelain fishbowl
Some girls say that they’re not pretty,
and staring into the saliva, mucous, and broken down bits of food swimming in the toilet bowl like fish in a porcelain fishbowl
Some girls say that they’re not pretty,
and staring into the saliva, mucous, and broken down bits of food swimming in the toilet bowl like fish in a porcelain fishbowl
Punch, punch, punch.
Make it a very deep hue,
This is something you need to go through.
Cut, cut, cut.
She promised me control
and gave me just that
for a price
my life,
my body,
my soul.
Trips to a box
to rid myself of fuel
so happily consumed
so easily expelled
From the time you are born to the moment you die,
You’re stuck inside of your body,
And the mere thought of that used to make me cry.
Why do I look like this?
Oh God, I hate myself,
The person I hate, someone I blame: myself.
Devoid of meaning or direction. Moving in circles
Blindly searching for the destination. I’m a bookshelf
Without books. Incomplete. Lonely.
You asked me to be honest
So I told you I was fine
Because I know
That's what you wanted to hear
Time has moved forward since then
I no longer fear your hands
Even if they never
In a matter of days, I have become addicted to letting go.
Letting go of the food that my mouth consumed only hours before.
The smell of vomit filling my nose like gasoline
it burns.
Hazel eyes staring back through the thin glass of her reflection as she glances at her features; knotty brown hair curling at the ends, creating false little smiles framing her cheeks, listless eyes finding every imperfection and criticizing every
clenching stomach shaking bones watery eyes runny nose weak knees sore throat all beautiful gifts an addiction bulimia
Another day, another broken promise
my beloved worst enemy comes to visit again
ridding my body of nutrients
whispering evil to my brain
People get sick, people die
but my disease is secret
I have lost weight since I was in fifth grade
and I know this because I have tracked my weight,
watching it go up and down,
like a child on a Carousel.
I am only a freshman in High School,
What am I?
a balloon, stretched taut
over a fauct and filled
til bulging then filled
and filled some more
Like a teddy bear, stuffed
with cotton until the seams
burst
the best part of the norovirus
is that while it robs you of your breath,
leaves you sweat-shaking with hot chills in bed
it also steals your appetite
finally,
to be empty by no willpower of my own
Have you noticed?
Have you noticed how I’m chewing gum again?
How apples have become my favorite food again?
That I can’t sit down because of the bruises again?
My therapist once asked me what I thought when I heard the word “beautiful”
I cringed and sank back into my seat and uttered one simple word - disgust
Dear ED,
How you made me feel like Eve,
at the early age of 13.
Taking me to the Garden of Eden,
just by opening up that one Teen Vogue magazine.
Dear Ana,
I know,
I know I failed,
I know I should have done better.
I know, I know, I know.
I’ll find you one day, I promise.
I almost had you, but I let go.
I let them take you away from me.
Dear Eating Disorder,
I loved you, with every inch of my pudgy body.
When I began to lose my mind, you told me to lose weight.
You held my life together.
to You--
if You look out onto that manhattan skyline
and You imagined that You
You were God,
gliding
to You--
if You look out onto that manhattan skyline
and You imagined that You
You were God,
gliding
Dear Bulimia,
I thought that I loved you
Long ago
Without you, I'd have been
All alone
When no one else was there
You were
Reliable, safe, no one compared
no one invites me anywhereno one wants to hang out with meno one likes me as more than a friendI have tons of problems tooI hate myself I feel so ugly I feel so fatI starve myself
Water.
Low-calorie, no-calorie, sugar-free and…water.
When i only ate a bite of my lunch and threw the rest away.
You didnt notice.
And I drank water
not to quench my thirst,
but to repel my hunger.
And I writhed
when someone
made me eat.
And I couldn't mask
the feeling that
something was eating me
At first, I hated you so
But I guess I just didn't know
That later in life,
When I would face so much strife,
That the both of you
Would be the first thing that I would turn to.
Despite my tears,
I am a host for a parasite,
A parasite whose disease has sucked on my mind,
Leaching my hope,
Leaching my sanity,
Raping me of all personality.
All you’ve had to eat for the past 2 days are your own fingernails Skinny girls hip bone wishes You want to be skinny Skinny means pretty Skinny means wanted Skinny means loved Skinny is only a fantasy for you, hoping, praying to lose that 20 poun
Dear Bulimia,
Look, I'm glad you came in and put your feet up, (on my brand new coffee table...),
but I'm afraid now isn't really a good time, I'm afraid there's no such thing as a really
She's silhouetted against a stark nothing.
You can see where the tear rolls down her cheek
And the skin clings to her bones as she bends down.
She's starving herself.
She doesn't realize she's in pain.
This feeling has sunk deep into my soul and I’m afraid that my body isn’t mine anymore.24 hours a day, 7 days a week.There’s no time for resting.This feeling makes me wish that the next day to come unfortunately wouldn’t.
My skin is wrong
It's a baggy jumpsuit
Deep sea diving gear
A huge space suit
Heavy
Big
And loose
It's not me
The reflection
wants me to die.
The reflection
wants me to starve.
The Reflection
wants to be loved.
The Reflection
wants to change.
The reflection
wants to be changed.
You would never know walking past me.
You would never suspect talking to me.
You would never know that my laughter keeps me from screaming
Let me eat
more
and more
and more
and more
and more
and more
and more
and more
and more
and more
and more
and more
and more
and more
Tell her that the way her bones stick out from her body is sexy
Explain to her that you don’t like “big girls”
Tell her that the gap in her thighs
Hate never silenced her wordsAnd compliments never brought about changeAll she ever did was binge and purgeBut her mind remained tainted and strange
With two fingers down my throat I taste only shame as I imagine myself with a negative 2 inch waist and a gap between my legs that could've gone on for a mile and I envision the boned creature that dances in the darkest corners of my mind parading
The need to be skinnyThe hatred of your own bodyThigh gapCollar bonesHip bonesOur society has createdaskinny love.
2002. I’m seven years old and scared as hell
To make a sound
I start to weep and plead with her
Please, please not Emily
half of me is here,
I always feel
watch as I disappear
as I sabotage my nutrition
Don't eat.
there goes that voice again
my lover daring me to gain
a fucking pound
anorexia and bulimia became my entire life for 4 solid, miserable years. every month i’d stop eatting till they took me to the hospital, then when i got home, i’d do it again. every month i’d drop around 10 pounds, some months i’d drop 20.
words threaten to spill out
forming in the pit of my stomach
traveling up my esophagus
to my throat
getting caught behind the bars of my teeth
eventually they come out
There’s no glamour in it.
No flashing lights
lighting up the reflection in the tears
of her eyes.
Just purple circles
from sleepless nights
Can I swallow some pills to help me swallow the pain?
Give me a blade s I can slice away.
Teach me to hold things in and I will teach you to deposit small wieghts of trickery into your pockets.
“you are what you eat.”
an english proverb - if you eat well, you will be well; but if you eat badly you will feel bad.
i used to eat icing behind the couch, shovel it into my mouth like the dirt i played with outside.
i’m seven and alive, and i...
You look in the mirror, you poke and pinch,
turn to the side, suck in, wish you could lose just one more inch.
You swear up and down you've already eaten,
by "skinny thoughts," you already feel beaten.
GROUP THERAPYBY MIRA WILDER2014She yelled at mein front of the group,pointed, postured, accusatory.didn't know that a shrink,could instill so much doubtchecking to see
My arms have gotten fat and weak
My thighs are soft and plush
The weight I gained is in my cheek
My stomach feels like mush
My former self ws thin and weak
Although I thought her strong
Anna
“You can’t have sex wearing a wig” she said
That line could’ve made me laugh
If she wasn’t clutching the sides of her head
Wondering what choice did she have.
The heat escapes your "perfect" body.
The bruises on your tailbone green.
The hunger pains bring satisfaction.
A skeleton too early for Halloween.
I was not beautiful.
I am not beautiful.
I will never be beautiful.
But I could be thin.
It began as a whisper
It grew louder, it spoke to me
Until every day it was a
Screaming in my ear,
Must resist
The urge to
Binge and purge.
Food faced mouth
To toilet
Bowl feeder.
Overcome
The old me
To become
A brand new girl.
You need relief from reality.
You take the pain as though a cue,
To start consuming everything possible,
Because the pain’s consuming you.
You need relief from the hurt.
Numbers that hurt, numbers that judge
Like digits on scale, marks on tape
Sewn on a tag, printed on a sticker
Numbers we hide, that we dare not share.
But numbers with pride, numbers we earn
When I was eight,
I ate fourteen times a day.
Whatever I wanted, because
I wanted it.
Because food
was my friend.
When I turned thirteen,
food became to me,
Who am I?
A question even I don't know,
For this face I do deny,
And body try to hide,
This mask as my disguise,
Every mirror will catch my eye,
To eat I have to try,
Anorexia.
You told me
You told me the blacker the berry the sweeter the juice.
But now I realize that not everybody has the same taste.
So your eyes partake of my identity and you spit me out of your mouth and exclaim
It hit me one night on tumblr
a blog i
stumbled upon
with a bio that sounded
a LOT like my old best friend
we never fell out
our friendship never ended
The world is filled with bitches.
Women got beauty confused with skin hanging out their britches.
Hoes, tricks, and sluts. No longer judged by the expression on one's face
but
what looks good on their butt.
A beautiful fake smile wearing,
Hides my internal tearing.
I spend my days stealing,
Robbing my body of healing.
Bones and ribs are showing,
Baggy clothes keep them from knowing.
I try to stand upright,
but I just keep falling.
I try to keep the blade away,
but I just keep bleeding.
I try not to puke,
but my throat is raw.
I try to care,
but I just can't.
Saddened self harmers,
Battling bulimics,
Angsty anorexics,
Isolated insomniacs,
Scared schizophrenics,
Lonely lesbians,
Gloomy gays,
Battling bisexuals,
Troubled transexuals,
10
20
50
200
They add up
And I know
Subconsciously calculating
I can feel them
Growing
The food goes in
And I feel it weigh me down
200
50
20
Ask the girl in the glass how she survives on just air.
Ask her, how does she last when she devours nothing but despair?
And remorse coats her every attempt to ignore what she sees,
I'm finally going to fill up the pages of my life.
No more blanks. No more hesitation to fill in the spaces
with bold, deliberate strokes.
I'm going to be able to focus again
5'3 and 140 pounds.
Doctor says there's risk,
could become overweight.
Better work out soon, tisk tisk.
5'3 and 130 pounds.
Parents praise showers her,
With inspired faces and dedication
The splash against the bowl
The rush of blood to my cheeks
Elation. Control. Ecstasy.
Eat me up, I care no more
Parts of me go swirling down
Piece by piece by filthy piece
Fix my hair, fix my smile
My girlfriends and I were in the gym.I lifted five pound dumbbells. They went on the most intense machinesat the highest speeds.Sweat poured out of their pores
An obsession
An addiction.
It tortures me,
but I need it.
I got to know
the number on the scale.
Restrict my food.
Binge eat.
Purge.
Thoughts of laxatives.
Just get over it, she said.
Were these words simply a cruel joke?
I never expected to hear them
From the walking medical degree in a lab coat.
Shouldn’t you be smarter than that? I wanted to scream.
Annie is a good girl
A real gem among us rocks
Practically a pearl
Aged with all the grace in the world
Every piece of hair a perfect curl
She's a genuine among us fakes
In fifth gradeI ate rotten meatbecause a ten year oldcannot hate themselves.
In sixth grademy dad left for the sixthand the final timeand I started blacking outfrom trying to hunt him down
the flourescent lightson her iridescent skinreveal the railroad tracksof her train with no brakes"all aboard," the ageless conductor criesshe climbs in.
Choking,
burning,
body retching,
stomach rejecting,
tears streaming,
thinking of what's been eaten.
Shivering,
shaking,
body quaking,
knees are aching,
she flooded herself in a drowning sort of fear that overtook hersoul like bodily possession
it took every bit of her until she wasnothingbut the rain
You're looking skinny like a modelWith your eyes all painted black.Always going to the bathroom,Saying you'll be right back.Well it takes one to know one, kid.I think you got it bad.
I'm just dying
To be perfect.
Whatever it takes,
Will be worth it.
Can I please,
Be enough for you?
I'm stumbling, trying,
To make it through.
And pleasing everyone,
Tears welling in my eyes, getting ready to cry.
A past that haunts me.
You came into my life when everything was falling apart
and you stitched me back up.
You took away my hunger and made me feel
All this suffering - it makes no sense
How one could live through such nonsense.
Minute by minute, the pain increases
As it rips through her veins like shards and pieces.
I can smell it.
It makes my stomach
growl, yet churn.
My mouth begins to water,
as I take in the scent.
I refuse it,
the urge to taste.
I have the strength.
I will reach my goal.
I am my own Magician
One Thousand Two Hundred
A doctor’s recommendation
A faded goal
both passed and failed
A perfectionist
I had zits.
I have zits.
We all do, it just comes with being a teenager. And just like zits, that awful “I’m not beautiful” feeling also comes with being a teenager.
There is no cure, no acceptance, no understanding, and no answer. Textbooks can only tell you so much, and unless you have lived it, it is near impossible to judge from the outside.
The regression lies here
Over the black tile floor
The relapse lies here
Begging for more
Too late to go away
My skin hangs weightlessly off my bones,
like an old shirt on a clothes hanger.
My stomach feels no hunger,
it no longer knows what hunger is.
I never knew that there were ways to express myself out loud.
Always bottling up emotions, ready to explode.
Soon, I began to write.
I released emotions that had been suppressed for too long.
Ana and Mia
Sitting in a tree
And what do you know
Along comes Me
They trick my mind
So I see them as beautiful
And who would’ve thought
I began to fall in love
I fall fast
alone
strictly practiced
discipline on cold tile
unforgiving
begin
swelling
rushing water
a raging orchestra
filling the tub
distract
I turn like an unbalanced ballerina in the face of the mirror,
Examining each curve and pudge of the body I have been drilled to hate,
And squint critically as I suck in my stomach.
Am I pretty yet?
The fall of eighth grade the leaves
changed their glorious colors
and I was diagnosed with overwhelming loneliness.
(poems go here) The fall of eighth grade the leaves
changed their glorious colors
and I was diagnosed with overwhelming loneliness.
The first cut stung
you promised you'd do it no more
but then you hurt again
so you did it one more time
Learning acceptance of what cannot be changed,
Gaining knowledge of destruction,
Unveiling of the path which cannot be ignored,
Learning old ways which cannot be ignored,
From a bench I watched them walk,
all in a line,
the exertion of emotion dripping from each individual pus-filled,
black-headed pore,
twitching and moaning like dead men with gaping mouths and scarlet tongues
Internalize
what you love,
despise
desire
lose yourself, entire
yet don't dismiss
that inner tormented artist
when did we proclaim
that our dreams were unattainable?
Lady lazarus kissed me on the forehead
Never again will I cry because
She stole my heart and embroidered
It with diamonds and emeralds
Who will i be when I learn to fly?
His hollow black eyes whisper lethal,
but he sure knows how to weave grace into a dull ribcage.
His secrets of elegance deter one from the uncertainties of existence.
food is the enemy
but people say to
keep your friends close
and your enemies closer
my plate before me
filled with food
almost feel a twinge of
regret
almost
but not quite
I may sleep for the
Weak I feel so deep in my
Guts and those damn bones
Not cured but bad
I’m not in sickness but I
Do think about it
I needed a friend...
Someone
Who would always be there for me
Comfort
To keep me safe and secure
Courage
To do what I wanted to with my life
Happiness
That my body could not contain
...
The miles beneath her feet were many,
but she felt as though she hadn't moved.
Head heavy as any stone she strove to keep her chin up
and her head above water, but she knew.
She can’t remember when it all started,
The day she became insecure.
She used to be so confident,
The one they all adored.
She started looking around at all the other girls,
Comparing herself to them.
You hold my tired hand
Your bright eyes crinkle into that widespread smile
Your thumb traces the tired lines of my palm
I do not know what our future holds
After all, we're seventeen
Mirror, mirror, on the wall
Who's the fairest of them all?
She who's tall and she who's thin,
She who gets a workout in
She whose thighs are far apart,
She who has an ice cold heart.
Recovery is a process and not an event
It's a struggle not to win but to find some common sense
We're stuck in a world where failure is wrong
Well, failure is a puzzle piece that completes our song
You know that thing?
The thing that nobody talks about?
Making yourself puke?
Yeah
I do that
It hurts
It burns
It destroys your teeth
But what they forget to tell you
In health class
Recovery Is Possible
That's what they keep telling me
I don't know how to believe it
When I've had this eating disorder
For almost a decade
But I know
I'm sick of it
I'm sick of the being sick
That's what someone called me yesterday
I was just walking
Alone
In the hallway at school
And the girl
The blonde one
With the long, slender legs
And the flat stomach
Ana
Anorexia
Anorexia nervosa
Ana
My friend
My best, closest friend
You're there for me
When I need you
You whip me into shape
You love me
I can tell you do
The thing about ED is
He never leaves you
Through the good
The bad
The ugly
He's there
A little wasp
Following you around
Stinging you
Every time you reach out
I eat for the wellbeing of my body
For my blood pressure
And my heart palpitations
And my hyperinsulinemia (whatever that means).
I eat for the wellbeing of my body
For my teeth
And my bones
