10

20

50

200

They add up

And I know

Subconsciously calculating

I can feel them

Growing

The food goes in

And I feel it weigh me down

200

50

20

10

And then they’re gone

With a feeling of relief

Heavy hands lifting off my shoulders

A tight knot in my chest

Feels just a little bit lighter

They leave just for now

With some salt and some music

And the smell of something sour

Before I flush it down

 

For a minute

Actually just a second

I am beautiful

I feel free
I feel weightless

 

And then the guilt sets in

So I cover it up

With the smoke of incense

What problem?
There’s no problem?

Or so my mind tells me so

It’s just be conscious

Aware of myself

Being healthy

(But actually just skinny)

IF nobody notices

There’s obviously no problem

This is normal

This is necessary 

 

I wish someone would tell me to stop.

 

That I am pretty

I am strong 

I am good enough 

I wish I had the strength to do this myself