worry
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Sharp pencil.
Blank paper.
No eraser.
No mistakes allowed.
Find another pencil, my mind says.
Don't get a new piece of paper.
~ by Debi Lyn Tuesday, August 17, 2021
I love to sit with you nearby; doing so can make me cry.
- Happy tears just to know you enjoy my company so.
Why am I so jumpy
Why does everything worry me
A sudden noise
A sudden movement
I will jump
If you come up behind me
I will jump
I am always so jumpy around you
Why am I not enough
Why don't you love me
Why don't you want me
Why am I disappearing
Why am I still here
Why are we still in this awkward silence
Why
Why
Why
Wonder what it's like to be fearless
To be so courageous
To not have a care in the world
To be truly myself
My whole self
Wonder what it's like to take risks
And not dread failures
i hope that someday i can change
not just for a moment
but true change
when i don’t feel these things
when i can overlook those words which have disrupted my peace
i thought i would feel peace
but all i feel is chaos
slipping deeper into the black
falling from anyone’s grasp
as the seconds continue to pass
i thought they would come and go
but dark thoughts have come to stay
the light has become dimmer
and the faint glow continues to be overpowered
were those promises ever true
i am no longer sure
this emptiness has remained in me for too long
your words do not bring me comfort anymore
sometimes i don’t really know if there’s anyone there
downcast, empty, broken
i wait for someone
someone who may or may not come for me
alone i wait
Scorpions
and black widow spiders,
rattlers too,
lurking in dusty corners
these critters can kill-
but they do so quickly...
Whereas the workings
of the mind
can be more sinister,
You act as if I haven’t been living from one fix to another the past three years of my life.
You act as if I don’t know just how cold life is,
Come live with me and be my love,
I want to wear it like a glove;
I will give you all that I am,
My heart, my soul, with no exam.
Fear.
She envelopes us like a cold day without a jacket.
Shivering like bare shoulders, chills climbing in the crooks of collapsing collarbones.
"I am afraid," the voice taunts, always behind us always there.
In the dead of night I close my eyes
But cannot keep these thoughts outside
I hear it scratching at my door
And moaning from beneath the floor
I Fear Living
My mind won’t power down from all the thoughts that scare me
cause every day I’m living in a world I don’t want to be
You act like I shouldnt worry about you
Yet I do because I love you
I hate the nights we fight
As you ignore me and forget I exist
You choose to hide away
And I am lost again
Because without you
Arthritis that’s not too bad but psoriasis that is.
Constantly disgusted by myself and
no one will know because
I do not want them to know.
I know its been a whileit's getting latebaby just stay a whileplease just wait
hear me out girl
its been a yearfull of heartache and hardshipsI lost life thenbut you kept me alive
There’s a lot of silly silly thingsTo be talking about There’s a lot of willy nilly thingsThat seem shocking right nowSilly things
You tell me that I am the love of your life,
say that you've never loved anyone the way you love me,
laugh and call me adorable when I'm acting strange,
smile when you look at me from the driver's side,
My friend is suffering from a broken heart
And sometimes she doesn’t let it show
But I can see it when no one else looks
Or maybe she hides in plain sight
I C.
I see how your heart is a diamond-
it is not neat, rather rough-
but all the world’s light is found inside it.
I C.
Made me feel like
I was being caught in the rain.
Slow scattered drops of water,
Cool on a warm day,
Sent Worry and Desire on a race.
Should I run or watch what happens?
Hey,
It has been a while
A while since you have sat down and took a breath.
You are reading this because you feel burdened,
maybe by something self-afflicted,
maybe by a matter of circumstance.
A black cat stares me down
Collar jingling, he scratches
Big yellow eyes eat me alive
I do not know what luck he brings—
I do not know that he brings luck at all
I was never one to believe
Dear anxiety,
You've been with me my whole life
Not like a loving mother who cares for me
Drowing,
I am drowning
in an ocean
I myself created
Drowning
in tears of sadness
of anger
I blame
say you did this to me
all of you.
but no.
It was me.
I love you.
I love the way I hurt all the time.
I love the way you make me feel like breaking down.
I love it when you say you love me, but don’t show me.
There are softballs in my mouthWhen I look at youEach thought is another home run right into my front teethIt's supposed to be easier to say these wordsBecause I'm a girlI'm supposed to be open with my emotions
Count the stars
the small latterns that line the sky
to help the moon light the path to tomorrow,
as you try and walk away the sorrows.
Wander aimlessly,
searching for something that is lost
A year ago today, I was living my life in fear.
I didn't know where I was going to go after high school,
And I didn't know what I was going to do.
The shakes, the nerves, the trembles of absolute fear I feel in the tiny hands attached to me.
They control me. They make one motion that consumes my focus entirely.
I am drowning in a sea of my anxiety.
A light that beckons from a lamp.
The yearning of our innocence, the drawing to our roots.
It beckons you forth from the dark, it promises light and warmth.
It is only there.
theres a man in my head
he made his own bed
he puts fear in my brain
and ice in my veins
he pulls me from the people i love most
and pushes me towards ones i hate most
I break, I cry, I give up, want to die.I shake my fist, kick the air, throw things at the walls.I smile, I act okay, I hide the feelings inside.I worry, worry, worry,
At first
I thought you were diamond embedded
And then
I saw how imperfectly you were created
You willow crying like you lost perfection
And some of us
see your little perfect complexions
Some days I wake up stressed.
My heart's already pounding,
I feel slightly out of breath,
I can't escape the pressure even in my sleep.
The last thing I want is to get out of bed.
I am just a traveler in want of a little rest
I had been blending through a city of the oppressed
Dimming me down to the filthy ground
Screaming at me, they surround
This is for you.
This is for the wide eyes at three in the morning.
This is for the salty wells collected in my pillowcase.
People are always in a hurry
Filled with a sense of worry
A night sky filled light
But people without sight
A sense of time pacing
A stopwatch racing
Tick-Tock-Tick-Tock
Life is like a clock
You don't.
You struggle.
You cry.
You wonder why you aren't good enough.
Smart enough
For those full-ride scholarships like others
When you worked so hard.
I cannot shake this feeling
Like an itch you cannot scratch,
Sitting under darkened skies
Ready to collapse.
When it rains it pours they say,
So go and find your zen;
Even if for a moments time,
Peace will reign again.
Looking into his eyes, cold, empty full of lies. Who was this man standing before me in this disguise? I've seen that look one too many times. I wish I never was a disappointment. But this man gave up on me a long time ago.
When you ask me,
"Are you okay?"
I want to say no,
I want to say that I'm breaking inside,
That I'm a shattered piece of this human being I used to be,
What if I forgot to turn off my cars headlights,
What if I forgot that I've checked 3 times this night?
What if college is going to bury me in a grave of debt,
Stranded am I, by this enslaving isle of fear.
Captured am I, by its fell whispers in my ear.
Where can I go?
Where can I run?
Surrounded am I, by the ocean of worry.
Baby bird perched unsteadily
Stretching its too young wings
Run to catch it as it falls
But it snaps at your hands
Unknowingly
To death
Hush my dear
Shed no tear
Keep it all inside
Turn your head
As I go to bed
And utter not a sound
Love has no respect for me
Waste not your devout sympathy
Let this be a reminder of what happens when you're lazy
Riding, staring out the window when eyes are teary glazy
Caused hte time's ticking, sneaking up behind you
She runs away to hide
nobody giving her a second glance
so no one sees her cry
why can't they give her another chance
Broken girl all alone
locked away in her room
putting on her headphones
When I use words to explain my depression, I use those of others.
I claim to be a writer and yet I become so certain that what I have is too little.
I hear a sound of little tiny feet
although said foot is not yet setthese decisions I've yet to regret
the clock tics forward unrelenting in speedthe people grow furious driven with need
From class to class
From book to book
This is all a mess
Just take a look
Homework piled up
No end in sight
Every time I wake up
Don’t turn on the light
Thinking of you
Makes me black and blue
When I know you're not thinking of me
But you're white and gold
A prize far too old
For a well trained right eye not to see
And so you go looking
I am nothing but a disappointment-
Do you stare after me
i can hear my heart thrumming
Slow down slow down
No reason to get all worked up on this
Take your time, take your time
Never thought you'd be worrying over this
Money's a lie, it's a lie
Once there was a heart
that fell in love with a brain
Together they made art
but the brain would sometimes strain
My body has a language
my mind just can't explain
I'm falling out of this world
and into a frame
Insanity never came
Labeled on a shelf,
the only person I cant make happy
is myself.
It is midnight.
Peeking though the curtains, giving consent.
Hearing no answer? It is finally time.
Leaving this world of shrouded reality
And into the land of mirrors,
Perfection is a malady, it only serves to maim
The wrinkled edges of my insanity, only myself and the world to blame.
'What a shame' was my worst fear,
Lurking behind the swallowed tears
You look around a see a girl. You don't know who she is or where she came from.
Seems odd.
But it's just me. You've seen me I'm sure. I live like this.
Really?
I was wondering...
1. Do I really only have two followers who are interested in talking to me?
2. Do I not post enough?
3. Do I seem like a nuisance?
4. Am I one?
The life for me is fraught with unknown,
It's an inner aggression with a boisterous tone.
One half desires to thrive and succeed,
the other wants to only exercise a good deed.
Bump in the night,
a forgiven fright,
but so easily mistaken,
for ones so often taken.
Things unseen,
Things unheard,
Things that most certainly unnerve,
Scream my name
Pay no attention
to the woman behind the
mask.
She's just an
illusion
of smoke and mirrors,
of pulsing lights and
then she's gone.
Pay no attention
Deep darkness held onto the fragile
heart
she carried within her chest-
unspent tears in her eyes
a mind that would never stop
but a brain that had died.
The slow beating of a broken soul
I keep getting sad at night
instead of putting myself to sleep
but I always put up a fight
even though I know perfectly well
what it does to me
I find myself staying up late at night
No end to my destructive worries.
Jumping from one topic to another in my racing mind.
Pay no attention to the girl behind the curtainCuz boy I am certainYou'll have a little more interest in the one who's out flirtin'That twitch of her hips, you want her so bad it's hurtin'
sometimes I wonder exactly where I'm going or what I'm doing or even will I be here tomorrow there's no promise and that scares me so bad and that one time I fell in front of all of my friends and they laughed and why am I so stupid they were ter
A bunch of unanswered questions, worried thoughts about the future, and even the difficult decision that every young teenage girl goes through daily "What should I wear tomorrow?''.
A river, cheery and merry,
Is a picture of perfect happiness.
It laughs as it trips and falls,
Crashing into obstacles in its way.
Never angry nor upset,
The worst thing you want to be is a failure in life
To put down the people in your life and here them whisper "lowlife"
To constantly show no improvement over and over
To be confronted and insulted
I lurk in the darkI am your fear, your regret, your worryActing like a judgemental jury
I slink around in the pits of your heartGnawing on your soulMaking you pay your toll
She deserves all the world has to offer.
How dare I not give back to the woman that gave me life.
No matter the situation she was there for me.
Mom's dream for child
All coming true, but money
The struggle, over.
Overlooking the ripples from a pier far above,
I hear a distant roar of the waves that I love.
The sound hits my ears like a baseball hits the glove.
The New Girl
In class she sits, making snide remarks,
Her words bitter and pungent;
This façade she maintains, meant to keep us at bay,
To hide in its shadow her sorrows, her pains.
I'm like a child who cries itself to sleep,
but instead of crying, what I do is think.
I think myself insane, analyzing every bit,
until my heart rate quickens and I work up a panicking fit.
You’re afraid of what could happen
So you constantly keep up a wall
You are in a constant battle
But aren’t we all?
My idol. My star. My worry.
How amazing you were on the field, with a ball
or with a bat
or not even at all.
My brother, with love, with worry.
Bad teacher and counselor and friends.
Deep in the confines of her mind
is kept away her fears and insecurities -
but once the night falls
and she lays her head to rest,
the doors open.
Sick with worry
Literally sick
Calm my mind with nostalgia
That'll do the trick
Close my eyes just to recall
Rewired in an unfortunate way
Through the ground I fall
I yell at you day after day, begging you to take this pain away. I ask you why you have allowed such things to happen to me but all I get in reply is an empty silence and my own sigh. I have been good I say, so why do this to me?
The calendar keeps sneaking up on me.
I'm leaving home soon.
I think about how everyone will keep living their lives
and all will go on without me
and it keeps me from worrying about my mother.
Fire burning and eyes hurting
Words could never
Heal so much
As I wallow
In self doubt and worry
I never forget my pen
She keeps me safe
She knows my every thought
I left them...
Last night I had a dream
the world was ending,
I was reduced to ant size and lived with a snake,
she was friendly but scary,
green and alive,
I am awake now, paying my credit card
Hello University,
College life, where it all gets real;
The best years of your life!
Are they, really?
When thoughts fail, or words do not come
Though all alone emotion remains
I should not be guided by this
But I can get divided by this
So what then
Jaw clenched, eyes shut, trapped in this nightmare
that’s very much my reality.
Everything that’s mine is no longer for me,
everything I want is far out of reach.
In my sleep, I dream of my every anxiety,
She wraps her tiny hand around my thumb
as tears run down my face.
Her green eyes ask so many questions
that I just can't answer.
Not now.
The eyes do see
Like shadows in the night
Every move I make
I am not alone
The eyes do see
For reasons of their own
A creature far from pure
Is always on my mind
