I keep getting sad at night
instead of putting myself to sleep
but I always put up a fight
even though I know perfectly well
what it does to me

and you can bet my bathroom floor is dirty
you can bet my back is hurting
you can bet I'm procrastinating
you can bet I'm exasperated

I keep worrying
even though He told me--how many times?
three hundred sixty-five...
I want to tell Him I'm sorry
but I know I'm going to do it again
and I don't know if it's worth it

I have always been a mess
and I thought I was getting better
just because he's gone doesn't mean I no longer shake and stutter

and you can bet I'm screaming in my head
and cursing over and over again
you can bet I want to be stronger
but to be, might take much, much longer