self harm
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One is gentle just to start
Twos intent to cut a bit more hard
Three and four for unworthy and ugly
Five is for the lies ive said
Six is to honor the guilt
Seven makes me gasp
was it worth it,
living thru this hell sternously making it heaven
was it worth it?
was it worth it
trying to make others live while your own body was scarred with a medusa tatto on it
i am a book
and my skin Is The pages
i'll write until tHe end
scalpel in hand
Until the pain is tRuanT
until all iS red
I went another day over again,
I walk to the little box, and then,
open my little corner of feeling.
How did cutting become a coping skill?
I guess it releases pain that can kill.
I’ve filled my head with deadly thoughts,
Memories and insecurities make me distraught.
people always told me my body is art,
but i never thought so.
so i tried painting on it,
but the paint is hard to use.
it’s too watery,
Sitting in front of the door with the tears streaming down my face,
Knowing that there is no way that I can get out of this dark place.
Just as I thought things were turning around, life decides to take a turn,
The way you’re powerless over the worst parts of yourself. The bittersweetness of giving in and proving right every doubt you had about you ability to quit. The satisfaction in the pain and sight of gorgeous blooded skin.
The way you’re powerless over the worst parts of yourself. The bittersweetness of giving in and proving right every doubt you had about you ability to quit. The satisfaction in the pain and sight of gorgeous blooded skin.
Sick of the notion
fake my emotion
pretend I'm okay
after every day
as my bad thoughts grow
self hate too
and the blade beckons me home
and asks for a mark to stay
It wasn't because I wanted to kill myself
No
I can't leave
I hurt my hands because I needed to feel pain
I felt like I deserved it
I needed something that proved I wasn't good enough
As I stretch my arms ache
They feel almost tight
Is that right? I say
why is that again
I come home everyday after all of the nonsense
Everyday i promise myself just one more cut
Just one more cut
Blade rusted with blood.
An opening to let this out.
The pain is numbed
But only for now.
The few seconds of relief.
Proof of my pain
Reflecting the inside- out.
“Another one”
“Not deep enough”
“Worthless”
“Pathetic”
The things I tell myself as I carve into my skin like its nothing
softer than silk,
yet still covered in imperfections.
i've covered you in discolored green splotches,
harsh pink patches,
and unforgiving white slashes,
yet you refuse to turn calloused.
"You seem like you're doing better,"
They say, with hesitation
-
On halfway-bad days I still feel it,
A screaming coal burning itself
Through the tissues of my lungs
-
"I'm definitely doing better,"
the urges come and go,
i miss you through
some days i let you flow,
even though i know,
i'm not allowed to do so.
Each time I have the same vision,
And I make the same decision,
To make the same incision,
It takes a lot of precision,
Sat in my room, shut in
Now the needle is in,
And I let the blood flow begin,
I've always been the kind of person
To dig a splinter out,
With my teeth, if I have to-
Instead of soaking it in water
And waiting for it came out on it's own.
-
Even if it made the pain worse at first,
All it takes is one moment,
On second,
One thought
You don't have to want to. . .
Because all it takes
Is to feel like you have to
All it takes is one hand,
One voice,
You step onto your pedestal
The time has come
You’ve had enough
You don the rope
The pedestal disappears
The strength is lost
The love is gone
The feelings have disappeared
The happiness is forever forgotten
The will has left
The life is next to go
Blood, Sweat, Tears
What's it worth if there’s nothing to come home to
What's it worth if there’s nothing to look forward to
The bells toll
I hear her coming
I am plucking my feathers again.
You say it's a stress response.
Maybe one day I'll pluck enough of them
that my mind won't fly away anymore.
I'll be grounded here with you.
I keep them in my little box of altoids. on the second shelf in a wooden decoration I made last time I was stuck
people broke my soul so I chose to cut the parts they didn't like
Despite commonly needing pen and paper to compose,
I feel most poetic, most suffocated in my own
artistry, with trickles of crimson falling down my thighs;
Give me a gentleness sweeter than the turn of the earth
And the rosy red faithfulness that pours from your lips
If I love you, I will smile, and set down the edge
you see I live in my mind
of course there is no escape
ever since I was 5 years old
I have been a victim of rape
but I put a smile on my face
to keep everyone else okay
not worrying about
I found a flower on the ground today. It was purple- an artist would go as far as to call it lilacand I thought it was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen.
A year ago today
I was picking up a razor in the school hallway
Telling myself I would just chuck it
While knowing I would not.
In the beginning of last December
The perfect family lives down the street from me. The mom is so sweet. She doesn’t judge me when I yell at my kids. They live in the green house with a long driveway. They have a boy and a girl and two dogs.
Invisible tears,
Blood stained wrists,
The world is painted gray,
Slowly fading day by day.
Withering emotions,
Broken hearts,
Eyes so sunken,
Lifeless from pain.
It has been two years today
Since I have had a fight with my then girlfriend
And, crying bitterly, I entered the living room
Replied to my father’s concerns
And let him know his daughter was dating a girl.
today I'm wearing my favorite sweater
not because it's flattering, or pretty
but it covers my skin
miles and miles of milky skin
coating my bones and feelings in an ivory paper
Sorry, I’m n/a; I went m.i.a. There really isn’t much to say. I really wish it wasn’t this way. But guess what, it is! I’m sad, depressed abs pump my self full of chemical after chemical. I fuck up, I steal, I space out and you get hysterical.
You realize what you’ve done
The minute the words trailed
off your breath and gently
breathed life into the reality
of what has really been going on
for months.
You see it in her face.
this body
a gift from god
i cut it open
through the ribbons
through the paper
through the tape
one for the boy
you dragged a knife across my heart
the way i used to drag a blade across my skin
there was so much blood
there is so much blood
and i cannot stop the bleeding
you left before i got better
you left before i could make things right
you left before things could get really good
and i cant blame you
for getting tired of waiting
depression,
this intangible idea
that we desperately wish
was something we could grasp
this ailment isn’t tangible
he lies awake
all fucking night
until the stars disappear
from the black blue sky
damn he’s like
deathly high
you weren’t the one
and that pill is sharper
than the edge of the gold and black knife
you gave me over a year ago.
you weren’t the one
I’m ripping my brain out
Piece by piece
Cutting it into little squares
I’ll serve you our memories
On a silver fucking tray
I’ll feed them to you,
i’m all alone in this glass house
Swallowing jack under a pink sky
there’s blood on the driveway
keeping a knife in the pocket of my jeans
i’m all alone in this glass house
Swallowing jack under a pink sky
there’s blood on the driveway
keeping a knife in the pocket of my jeans
Break the Silence, end the violence. Let me out, I want to scream and shout. Metal so fine and thin, watch it glide across my skin. Reach out? Every time I speak, I shout! But you don't hear me, though. Maybe it's time for the final blow.
Have you ever climbed a montain to touch the sun
Scaled the cliff side to stand on the edge and reach out
For that blazing heat
Letting finger tips meet burning ash
And then fall
Hey.
I'm Benz.
I changed my name when I was fifteen,
I'm many things.
Buddhist, retired emo, a little bit of a stoner.
I'm a little hipster,
a little grunge,
and little spacey,
Don’t tell me you know me
Because you don’t
All you know are smiles and “im okays”
You have no idea of the pain underneath
Press you down
And run you along.
Your pointed sharp end,
Draws a line on my skin.
Dull pain leaves,
Revealing only a faint,
Raised pink line.
Not enough,
Not what I wanted.
Scars
Still present
From when
My old self
Died
And I began
To hide
And stay away
Small scars
On my legs
From when
Writing
Couldn't keep
Every winter I pull down my sleeves
Portraying the mask of my scars' identities
What once the pain summer brought,
My heart was filled with nought
No longer afraid to show,
The struggle I once woe
I'm sickly in love with the scars on my hips
But they're finally starting to fade
It's a milestone of self care and redemption, but at the same time, it feels like defeat
The one person I didn't want to know knows
But no one knows it all
They know of my depression
But they do not know of the marks spanning down my arms and thighs
They know I am struggling
*Trigger Warning: Self Harm*
The stencil is made, a bold, yet simplemark with two meanings. For writers,the mark is used to continue a sentence;for others, the mark is used to continue a life.
Each time that my mind was finally ready to end it all,
I stood on the end of a bridge, ready to jump.
It always seemed like it would be quick and cheap.
The pain would end before I had a chance to even register it.
I'm obsessed,Obsessed with death.
I love to picture my own end. Will it be by my own hands?An enemy's? Will I be a hero? Or will I grow old?
I'm obsessed,
Punch, punch, punch.
Make it a very deep hue,
This is something you need to go through.
Cut, cut, cut.
I am a weakling,
Frail and small,
Too scared to feel
Anything at all,
And I ask for help
Without my words
I remember the day I tried to die.
The feeling of the blood flowing out of my veins no longer calmed me,
The pain from the blade no longer distracted me,
Is it possible to gracefully locka flimsy bathroom door...
At the party, you smiled as you cocooned yourselfin confetti—as you cocooned yourself inthe corners of his smiling mouth.
I did not know who I was
There were things I enjoyed
But none took up much more than my peripheral-
I was fixated on how and when I would leave.
One day, he walked into my room-
I’m not supposed to write this poem
It’s embarrassing - on many levels, for many people
The highs were high:
parties every weekend, Wednesday breakfast with Grandma, 4 hour roadtrips to the middle of nowhere
But the lows were low:
When you hurt
There is a malevolent force
One feeling you can feel
Which is all great remorse.
It was only once
Wait it became twice
The feeling was so good
It became thrice.
It is extremely difficult to break you open.
Prying, peeling, pulling, plastic parts.
Where to do it.
You eagerly tear at my stockings.
Wrinkles, rugs, and bags
Aches tremble the body during late nights and early mornings
Trembles take her hands as she plays simple games on her iPad,
but it does not effect her.
There is a change,
The person I hate, someone I blame: myself.
Devoid of meaning or direction. Moving in circles
Blindly searching for the destination. I’m a bookshelf
Without books. Incomplete. Lonely.
It calls me closer, its calls me near "Just once and it'll be over" Death whispers in my ear Irresistible is its sweet entice Staring down, which one to slice, I observe my previous tries
I gave myself lines
Because I didn't know
I gave myself lines
Because I needed pain
Something other than the
Pain in my head
In my heart
I gave myself lines
I always hated when people would look at my scars,
With a look of regret.
Giving me a look of
“I should’ve been there”
Yeah
End:
A cut on my arm
A cut on my leg
How have I been so brave?
They me what happened as i’m bleeding out
Pain
I trip and fall.
I feel pain.
A crush tells me that he does not like me the same.
I feel pain.
I get bullied and ostracized on the bus.
I feel pain.
tonight i put down the razor
and picked up a ballpoint pen
i learned to etch my pain onto paper
instead of engraving the words into my skin
i will write in letters of black ink
by Ariel Douglas (18 November 2014)
I knew I was lost when my life spiraled out of control.
I knew I was lost when I no longer wanted to live.
Skin as pale as paper,
Words bleeding upon its surface
Spelling out red lines of bloody truths.
My pen, shedding ink.
My knife, dripping blood.
It's funny how blood makes me nauseous
when I used to beg it to drip down my arms,
beckoning it with razors and scissors
like the red would scream loudly enough
Should have known you were lying through your teeth
when you said "best friends means forever."
You know, I can say it'll never get better-
and I can never remember
why we even enjoyed each other's
Please hold my hand until it's over.
I think you're obligated
because you know why I'm afraid.
I had no warning, but I'm not mad.
Just hold my hand for a minute please.
The fear washes over me like
you can tell me not to cry when it rains from the storms i've created for myself but there's no purpose in telling a flower not to wilt.
Do you remember what was true before you let the thoughts consume you?An unrecognizable face in a crowd you’ve allowedTo become a disguise you used to hideEvery bruise, cut, scarThe times you tried.
I absord your betrayal as soon as our brown eyes meet...
It smashes my cranium into a bloody pulp,
leaving me convulsing in a cesspool of a thousand half truths.
Cursorily spitting out callused prevarications,
This is no kissing scars
Flowers don’t grow where you bleed
Things like that don’t happen
At least not when you’re me
I used to be afraid.
Afraid to feel
Afraid to cry.
It’s funny though,
I’ve never been afraid to die.
She was 30
and wore her hair in a plain ponytail
and she taught science
at the only high school in this tiny town.
She didn't even live here;
rather, she lived in a tinier,
How can anyone love me?
I have too many issues...
Not who I want to be.
My feelings are misused.
I choke on my words.
You say I’m shy…
When I was 11, I started starving myself
When I was 13, I started cutting myself
When I was 15, I kissed a boy who had a girlfriend
When I was 16, I made a lot of mistakes
When I was 16, I decided I needed to change
You broke my trust
Now you've lost me
I won't come back
I won't call
I tried
And you lost me
We won't talk
We won't be friends
You won't be anything to me
You lost me
Hey there love
I see above
You're not on the healthiest tag
Just know we love you
We uncondiotionally support you
You are loved
Now, get off this tag and look at some puppies <3
Across your skin is marks.
Across your heart are holes.
Across your eyes are tears.
Across your wrists are scars.
Across my mind is you.
Get
out
of
my
head.
Get out of my head because it's what's best for me.
Get out of my head because it's what's best for you.
I've felt nothing for all my life
I want to feel human so I use a knife
Crimson rivers pour from my skin
Every time I slice I can't help but grin
Pain is the only thing I can feel
Just a burn
No concern
Just a flare
No care
Why are you worried about me?
I'm overjoyed, I'm fine
I'm so filled with glee
It's like I just chugged a glass of wine
Plug it in
Breathe in deep
Let it flow
Warm and clear
I burn my skin
As I quietly weep
No one will know
Life's end draws near
It burns but I grin
the third time
she broke the bulletproof glass
i knew we needed to talk
the same glass gates
her heart’s fire alarm
virgin means untainted
although i am not innocent
this is how
he left me
this olive oil has been touched
mutilated
paper gause
pen sword
red ink
poem
slash for every
wrong answer
i kind of want to
subtract you
I've felt only sadness all my life
I play the violin so I don't feel the strife
Its wooden veneer hides my pain
And the bow glides across the violins' vein
Such a beautiful sound it emanates
You lay on your floor
wating
waiting
waiting for your phone to charge
It's dark
she's asleep at the foot of the bed
be quiet
I hang my hands over the edge of the bed
our fingers graze
I've always loved the color red
It can be so intense
How one simple color can mean so many things
I've fucked with red as my lingerie
That was a good night
I've painted my nails red
We. Are. Dying.
Welcome to hell!
Welcome to the fucked up generation
of pill poppers
and suicidal kids
and anxiety
and mental illness
Welcome to our 3 AM
our 2: 20 PM
To the Broken Girl:
They told you perfection was a must
They stressed that you weren't good enough
You, yourself, felt as if you were a diamond in the rough
Three semesters ago
I was assigned a poem for an English grade
I was excited because I write
I write often
I write fluidly
But I found that, when I had to
I could not write at all
his arms burned my skin.
i can feel his wet lips against my skin.
he had branded me.
Does anyone else feel like they are being held captive?
Well, I do. You want me to find the ugliness outside.
I wish I was blind.
I try not to count the calories so I write in diaries.
Dear Pencil Sharpener,
I once was a painter.
An artist with beautiful abstract art under her name,
"I'm fine"
those are the words that fall from my mouth as the blade hits my skin
people say I'm pretty, I say that's bullshit
they say I'm skinny, I say you're out of your mind
the truth is I'm not ok, I'm not fine
Nurses,
Should be nice.
Or at least that's what I thought.
They didn't care about me.
Hurt yourself?
Stop crying.
Lonely?
Oh well.
YOU CAN'T TAKE THIS FROM ME
No matter what you do or TRY
I am one step ahead
I DO WHAT I PLEASE
I will not die
YOUCAN'TTAKETHISFROMME
I do what I please
It's my BODY
Royal blue veins
Skin near transparent like window panes,
and growing pains
Dukes with dukes and dames with dames,
an endless rain
Staring out at a passing train, imbalanced brain,
A cut across the wrist
Cuz who would miss this?
A cut along the thigh
So much easier to hide
Keeping it all hush hush
A cut across the wrist
Cuz who would miss this?
A cut along the thigh
So much easier to hide
Keeping it all hush hush
Self inflicted pain is the easiest kind of pain
Being in control of all the sorrows you encounter fills you with a sense of self control
Your pain is in your hands
It's a drug
You become addicted
She is happy
She was happy
She is smiling
She used to smile
She is laughing
She is crying
She is cutting paper
They are like trenches
Where I can hide
I can put up my fences
And feel safe inside
In each one I took shelter
From the bullets that rained
While my real wounds sweltered
I want to be able to forgive my mother.
I look at the sky and that is all I see.
The blue, lilac, the sunset colors that wash away
the day's sins in calm and understanding forgiveness.
"I like to hit things" was a thing I have said to many people when asking of sore knuckles, bruised knuckles, bleeding knuckles, scabbed knuckles.
In which the person struggles, to understand why.
To the ones who press blades to their thighs. I ask, do you also think the dragging metal feels like the clouds in the sky? People think we are weak but they don't understand that the pain we create is a pain we seek.
He stands in the cornerShade a shadow of black thoughts in my headDraws weights in my skin drawing out
I'd rather set myself on fire
Then listen to you anymore
I'd rather burn and scream in hot agony
Then sit in silence feeling the opposite pain within
-Don’t speak- Look around. I am a girl who provides for my six siblings I have 2 jobs paying minimum wageBarely brushing by, i don’t get to have much to show off My bully doesn’t know this;My bully picks at my clothes, my hair, my rough finge
She took a look at the cold body,
Broken,
Bruised,
Beaten,
Left for dead,
With very little warmth left in her.
A small touch sent heat flooding all over Her body,
Heart Disease is the leading cause of death in America in all genders.
It penetrates your atriums, obliterates your aortas, and annihilates your artery’s.
They say nothing sucks the life out of you like Death.
forgive me body, i have failed
i failed to love you and cut again
who knows how long it has been
i made a list of what to do
and chose to cut on you
i thought about all the bad
Beauty doesn't always
come easily.
Insecurity will rear its
ugly head.
But you, my love,
You are so
perfect.
To be like you, one could only
wish.
So please
You make sarcastic jokes and laugh a lot,
as if we don't know that something is wrong.
We watch you fade beneath a
thinning frame.
We avert our eyes when your sleeves
fall back.
I know a writer
She seems like quite the fighter
her arms and legs are covered in scars
But her eyes are so full of stars
I know a writer
My seventh grade students are the noisiest,
making 4th Period Reading Block difficult.
I enforce silence with
"mandatory individual reading".
Thirty minutes of bliss.
age seven
[don't hurt me again] "why are you doing that?"
handful of assorted pills
stained nightgown, innocence ruined
"it's okay, munchkin. i do it because i love you"
age thirteen
I sliced my legs
and marked my arms
found comfort
in self-harm.
I cut my hips
and slit my wrists
told myself that
I was worthless.
Everyday I look down at these scars
you are more than I deserve
than I will ever deserve
you are the cool and glorious rains that fall
blissfully to the scorched lands
that have been plagued
by drought
you are more than I deserve
than I will ever deserve
you are the cool and glorious rains that fall
blissfully to the scorched lands
that have been plagued
by drought
There are scars on my hips
Mixed with stretch marks
Ones that I put there late at night
Touched by dirty hands
He says I'm beautiful
His hands outlay plains
Of wheat and new beginnings
Don't you feel the noose of night
slowly tightening around your thoughts.
Sufficating you slowly.
You hold a blade in your hand
slashing at the silence that hides it all...
the things you never said
they cam e back
this time they wanted my hands
so I couldnt lay fingerprints on anything anymore
no evidence of my evil
just poison from my wrists they wanted to see
TICK.
TICK.
Time is running out. tick.
nobody is around.
tick.
Someone is coming.
I must hurry
All humans are born free and equal yet it never seems that way,
Hateful words of society corrupt people from day to day
“Dress how you’d like your body is great!”
There is a voice in the back of my skull that screams for release,
That can only be found in a razor blade, or between your lips.
If I pick and prod at my flesh enough I realize soon enough I can't feel anything,
You told me once that you were fine
I told myself you were right, you’d never lie
I know now where i went wrong
Seeing you today was the reminder you are gone
Stuck in the muck, I am a slut There is nothing I can do but sit and sulk. I can't control minds, I can't control your vibeI can't control your life, but you controlled mine.
All you’ve had to eat for the past 2 days are your own fingernails Skinny girls hip bone wishes You want to be skinny Skinny means pretty Skinny means wanted Skinny means loved Skinny is only a fantasy for you, hoping, praying to lose that 20 poun
He’s just a token
Of his family’s disappointment
A silent reminder of what’s bad
All the dark in this world
He’s just a token
I want to draw stripes on my body
use myself as a canvas
draw horizontal stripes
draw vertical stripes
draw diagonal stripes
Welcome to the carnival of life
Where brilliance shines, flashing lights
Where memories are our currencies
Where affection is shared like cotton candy
Where strength is measured in courage
Welcome to the carnival of life
Where brilliance shines, flashing lights
Where memories are our currencies
Where affection is shared like cotton candy
Where strength is measured in courage
You hurt me again
It’s written on your skin
Circling around your wrist
As well as your arms and hips
The scars on your skin
Would you stop if I paint my name over them?
I prefer permanent pen
There are countless lies that all lead to the same destination- a voiceless being imprisoned to a shouting mind. The lie “you are stupid” keeps the shy kid from raising his hand in class.
The morning after I killed myself, I woke up.
I made myself waffles with the waffle iron I convinced my mother to buy when I was
twelve, with a side of fruit I bought at a road side produce stand.
A blade seems friendly
It is anything but
A manipulating tool
And in my head it now haunts.
It once kicked away the Numbness
That stalked my daily life
And locked away Anxiety
pierce my skin with your
silver blade tongue
you weapon of madness
with cold metal lines
and warm red taste
pale piercing pain into
flushed bliss
soft pink clouds float
the thing is… sometimes self harm isn’t about pain, it’s about things that last and things that dont.
Look at her arm
Littered in bruises
Brown and yellow and green
But where did they come from
Why do they make her smile
Pause
The corpse is covered in scars
Each a memory splattered with pain
On some parts, skin is still violently red
Trying desperately to heal itself
Dear Child
There’s a monster in your midst
Don’t run and hide, for she’s not here to hurt you
She doesn’t have scary fangs or claws, but don’t be fooled
I’m so tired of hearing the same things“it’s not healthy”“that’s not good”“you shouldn’t do that”no shitno shit it’s not healthyno shit it’s not goodno shit i should do it but i do
One with rainbow hair and one with golden eyes.
A high school project turned sweet
She DEFILED herself! Body pains, sunken eyes, flaky, sore, bleeding lips and her body as cold as ice. She chugged the water to silence the rumbling of her stomach as she walked out the door. She gave all the right answers and was
I remember thinking that I deserved it
-the pain, I deserved the pain
I remember it being difficult to talk
-the words, they just wouldn't come out
I remember that I despised myself
10 days:No blade,no blood.
20 days:I'm tired,I'm sad,I want my blade.
30 days:I can't have my blade,I can't put a sharp object on my skin,am I finally clean?
My hands are about
as cold and dead
as they can be
without actually being dead.
My hair is about
as long as can be
without actually being long.
My thighs are about
My hands are about
as cold and dead
as they can be
without actually being dead.
My hair is about
as long as can be
without actually being long.
My thighs are about
The reflection
wants me to die.
The reflection
wants me to starve.
The Reflection
wants to be loved.
The Reflection
wants to change.
The reflection
wants to be changed.
She came and went.
as if it were easy
for all of us
to stand back and
watch.
Faster, slower, stop.
the water continued
dripping
collecting
cascading towards
It was what nobody suspect,
And denial begins,
Because how could a girl like me
Who has everything
Fall into this pit of darkness?
Is it really my fault
That I may be depressed?
Awake choking,
Bathe crying,
Walk limping,
Become deserted,
And you'd understand why suicide is prevalent,
It's just another way out of this claustrophobic world,
Some times fate takes too long,
The darkness formed a box in my mind,
Trapping my thoughts and never letting me see the light.
I'm trapped within my own mind,
And that's the worst kind of torture,
written 08/09/16
So much disappointment,
So much hate,
So much lies,
So many things that I'm afraid.
I seek to punish,
I seek to find pain,
I seek to feel alive,
The butterflies will soon turn to ashes, to just an empty feeling inside,
You stare in the mirror.
"Take the blade," he whispers.
"do it, just one cut. No one's stopping you."
One cut, two.
Let me tell you where I'm at
Here at night supposedly alone,
Listening to songs that make me feel whole.
However there is Disappointment,
Self hate and his sister Anxiety,
All of them sleeping over.
What is worse than breaking a promise,
One you made to a friend?
Breaking the one you made to yourself.
I made myself a promise long ago,
When the world seemed open
That I would be okay.
It feels like a dream.
...
I was a separate person back then.
...
I can't see the scars anymore.
...
I know I am a different person now.
...
When I was a young age of
four,
I wanted to understand why the other kids could run
faster and l o n g e r
than I could.
When I was
six,
I did not know why the big, bad
I've been left wordless,
As my mind is tangled witth the problem.
The letters float around,
But no words come out.
So my ipod I plug in,
And my heart will live on,
Let me eat
more
and more
and more
and more
and more
and more
and more
and more
and more
and more
and more
and more
and more
and more
She screams in silence,
But no one can tell.
And her experience with hell,
Has her contemplating self violence
She sobs to herself.
Her superman, her father,
Dies, her life forever altered.
I’m no prodigious poet.
In fact I’m quite the odd bird,
I’m always delving deeper
into ideas others find absurd.
As my father crossed oceans
I fell onto my knees;
anxiety and depression:
I write because of my depressive tendencies. I write because it doesn't come all at once - it creeps and slithers, latches on at every sign of weakness. You wake up one day and livings gotten hard.
The red ink is beautiful,
It oozes from dark to light,
Brought upon this clean slate
With a sharp quill that glints in the moonlight.
Gliding along the paper,
The sharp quill glows,
Her wrists tell a story
of a damsel in distress.
A princess with her head held high
and tears in her dress.
All the frogs she’s kissed
In a constant struggle with a blade that left lines upon my arm
Transforming it into a piece of paper that needed to be filled in
The blood that fell splattered on the sheet below
The words hit the paper like the tears hit my wrists;
The ink flows like the blood from my arms;
The open spaces
Letters spinning
Words shaking
I had choice to make
My laptop sat open with
A blank document glaring at me,
While a blade sat rested in my
Favorite copy of Jane Eyre on my shelf.
One of the hardest things I do
Is talk to you.
It doesn't happen until I snap,
And all hell breaks loose.
I try to tell you,
But the words are impossible to find.
When I do my best it is dismissed.
There's this thing called beauty. It's something you were taught when you were youngerand your mother, or your father, or your grandmother would say"you're beautiful."And you believed them.
On the verge you are. to show yourself even though I fight through my willingness
Sitting in the car attached to the cart while grocery shopping with your mother
Being carried from the couch to your bed by your father after you've accidently fallen asleep watching The Little Mermaid
again
I never loved you
You're better off dead
Hope itself left you
Father's words shouting in her head
Her heart scarred deep
Here's the reason why she bled
Hating who I am
sometimes it's not about the tears shed
even though they are
it's not about how deep your wounds lead
even if they lead to your heart
it's not about the words left unsaid
or what you did in the dark
I said I would quite and, I know I promised but darlin' this world is tearing the cries from my soul and making them scream from a voice that is dead.
I confuse the tears with rain and the cries with laughter.
"Blue"
is too beautiful a word
to describe being eaten from the inside out
wanting to melt away into nothing.
Blue
is the color of a morning sky
Her wide smile,
And those bright, sparkling eyes
Hid so much hurt and pain.
She smiled all day,
Then butchered her skin at night.
She appeared so joyful, so happy,
But she was breaking down.
The mirror's peers peering
Into the glass mask erected to hide
That he takes advantage of their selective hearing
To conceal the burning hell inside
Terrified that the mirror's fears blazing
Can somebody take me away,
To a better place,
Where your skin doesn't bleed,
And your eyes don't cry,
And happiness lasts,
More than a fleeting moment?
Or does that place only exist,
We are the same,
Both you and me,
We both like to draw,
Pictures on our skin.
But we lie to each other,
Hiding our secrets,
Scared of judgement,
Becuse we might have gone too far.
I met a boy who liked to draw,
But he wasn't like other artists,
His skin was his canvas,
And his paintbrush;
A blade.
He hid his drawings,
Underneath bracelets and sweaters,
I remember the first time I cut like it was yesterday,
Even though it was my freshman year of high school
I had tried earlier in my younger years to do it,
But I could never quite build up the courage
Every day is a struggle For most it's a routine Motions like the clock Any thing out of place Causing a ripple That eventually becomes a new habit A new routine. But for him It wasn't just a routine It was a paradox Nothing ever made sense He neve
Thinking too much
creates bad thoughts.
The negativity in those thoughts
are from depression.
Discontent, sadness, anxious, hopeless
is what you feel.
You feel ignored, alone.
Isolated.
Depression i not justblack clothesblack hairand ruined makeup. Depression can befloral dressescurled hairand a bright smile. Please, do not stereotypean illness
Sticks and stonesmay break my bonesbut words will tear my skin apart. Sticks and stonesmay bruise my skinbut a bladeis what almost killed me.
she doesn't talk about how her dad leftimmediately after finding outabout her existenceshe doesn't talk abouthow her mom ignoredthe not so straight lines on her wristshow she was never confronted
With them
Problems are laced into me
Like a greedy dog’s drugs in a poor girl’s drink
People have taken advantage of me
Violated me
In your hand, there is a spot
In the middle of your palm
Where my heart sits
While you can squeeze
There once was a girl with the world in her plam
But a blade in the other for it kept her calm
In the beginning she could only crawl
But then she grew strong and stood tall
1
2
3
4
5
6
at 6 I learned that marriage can't end well and that families can't be happy
7
at 7 I knew things that I shouldn't have. 7 I wrote stories about death and sex and murder.
Pushes and punches, teases and screamsNo one ever wanted to listen.No one ever wanted to really see.
She gripped it- cold and silver.
Sharp, stinging to the touch.
Opening the balcony door
The wind gushes, whipping thru my hair
My ball grown beautifully swaying
My heart pounding, what are you saying?
Looking out over the terrace
Down at the lights of Paris
Brush strokes over a canvas,
Waves, like roads,
Like branches on a tree.
An old car, papers balanced on the dash,
The weaving highway a snake,
Glints on the horizon of sunset-red.
It’s not just the emos with their razors.
It’s the middle school kids
At the top of the bleachers
Playing that stupid game Bloody Knuckles.
Asking the kids around for anything hard or sharp;
You think the world is always out to get you.
You're paranoid, afraid, and you feel alone among friends.
I am beautiful
dancing across the stage
flawless
stealing your heart
broken
I am broken
pink tights hide bandaid's
bandaid's hide scars
scars
scars from cuts
across my hips
I lied for your attention.
“It’s broken”
“Sorry, ran out of ink”
“I had to shut it down because of the storm”
All of these excuses I told
Not because I hated you
But because I loved you
every night i go to bed with hate in my head,
and yet every morning, as i get out of bed,
the hate is still there; i still hate myself.
i can’t get this self-hatred taste out of my mouth.
I once was young and filled with hope
Because I did not understand,
That life is like a length of rope
Contemplated between my hands.
Who am I?
The seventeen year old,
who walks all over town,
becuase she can't drive.
I work at least twenty hours a week,
Just to pay for AP classes.
To some, I'm simply that.
A hardworker.
Day zero: You are in a warm bathtub, and you are drunk.
Your girlfriend just broke up with you.
You are texting your friends that you are worthless,
That you are tired,
One cut
That's all it takes.
For the addiction to start.
Five years have passed.
The collection of scars has grown.
It's only gotten worse.
Nobody sees it.
Nobody helps.
Its not easy
They said
You'll have to struggle
They said
Don't be a rebel
They said
I didn't even intend to be one
However there were other things
They never said
I….Self…Harm…
I cut….
I cut because it’s normal.
I cut because it’s my relief.
I cut because I’ve been doing it for so long.
I wanted to hold him
I wanted to tell him it would be okay
I wanted to hug him and tell him "breathe"
I wanted to squeeze him and suffocate him until he remembered to breathe
I can't stop.
You keep warning me that I will never make it to the top.
I will never reach my goal,
Sometimes you ask me why
Why did I ruin it?
That lovely skin that you never cared to mention
Was lovely.
You never cared to ask me why
I felt like the tears felt like they were running down my soul
I have tripped over luck and stumbled upon tragedy. I find myself stuck in an elevated, praised, honoured institution, full of the most vile and wretched creatures to fill this earth.
You pressed your secrets into my skinLike they were the most delicate ofFlowers, IPut them between the pages of only myFavorite books, and even thenOnly the ones I knew you’d like
I love you like a drunkLoves a drinkLike my skinLoves the kiss of a bladeLike my dogLoves table scrapsLike youLove herI love you desperatelyWholelyEndlessly, passionately
"It's allergies"
She smiles
"I studied"
She smiles
"They're growth marks"
She smiles
"I have no idea where that came from"
She smiles
"I cant imagine the pain"
She smiles
She sits in silence
Listening to her heart beating
One, she says to herself
As her heart beat quickens
And the razor slices her skin
Two she says
Another slice
As if "getting better" makes up for the amount of time spent deciding if this constant allusion to her future is even worth the present
I will tell you what I am not.
I am not someone to be pushed around, or someone who likes their emotions to be played with.
I AM a human being, I am someone with feelings inside of me, and a beating heart.
I am Spring, 2013
You were in a coma
Accidental drug overdose
I felt like I died
I am Fall, 2013
Things got better
For everyone but me
You see, I got worse
No, my parents do not fight.
No, my grades aren't bad.
No, my family's wallets aren't tight.
No, I do not appear to be sad.
No, I am not called ugly or fat.
There was a time when, she felt helpless.
Her sadness was known, all over town.
Her heart turned cold, laughs were forced.
Until the day, she finally woke up.
Finally her dull grey eyes, went back to crystal blue.
Within my body
marked on my arms
Lies these dark lines
That are called scars
I did it once
And thought I'd stop
But then I kept going
And couldn't get enough
Imagine...
You're just a normal person
You live like everyone else
Happy, smiling, the most loved person in your circle of friends
Great grades, fantastic job, nothing could possibly be wrong
A picture painted in red,
Crimson sliding down a canvas of snow-white skin.
Creating cracks in porcelain as the knife cuts deeper,
The bright fluid oozing out from underneath the surface.
Dulled senses are awoken,
When my parents divorced each other,
At the age of 5,
I told myself, I will be different,
I will succeed.
When cystic acne ravaged my face and body,
If you break my heart, I will rip you up and apart.
You painted me a picture. You made art.
Like light, you disappear when it's dark,
And our goodbye has left an ugly scar.
So tell me how you spent your family's money
on cheap cigars you couldn't quit
Tell me how you destroyed your room to mask
the pain in your heart, but you couldn't forget
Honey please, put the razor down
Please, don't tie that rope to the ceiling
We need you here
I need you here
And somewhere, your future love is waiting for you
I found the tears of your abandoned soul while searching for the life of mine.
And no, dear, some things can’t stop time,
But if I could break all of my pocket watches,
Maybe the boxes that split you would disappear.
We've only been friends for two years
but I can see the scars on her wrist.
(those horizontal lines all in a row)
And I can't say anything
because some topics are off-limits! not allowed!
i had taken 50 tylenol, in intervals of five on april 2ndapril 2nd, because i felt that april 1st would be a day too cruel to get a call from your child's school
I met her on a Thursday.I talked with her on a Thursday.I bought her a coffee and gave her my number and fell for her on a Thursday.
She sits there staring at her wrist
Blade in hand
She begins to draw thin lines
Bursts of red exploding from her skin
Voices of her classmates and even herself
Scream at her words of destruction
Please don't cut, please don't cry
Just come here beside me and lie
Your head on the down of your wings
My sweet little Angel, who can't stand the state of things
This isn't forever, please don't say goodbye
She was unbreakable
Nothing fazed her
She was alway smiling
And everyone knew her name
That quirky tilt of her head
Always arguing with herself
And that black sweatshirt whe always wore
You writhe up above me, demon oh so lovely
Your talons dig within me, like our love...but skin deep.
Your secret tears fall around me, till in your all i’m drowning.
A six year old girl ran to the bathroom
And stretched Scotch tape from her eyes to her ears
To make herself as pretty as girls society consumes
To hide her insecurities, and fears
So many visits
So many pills
Theyre supposed to make me better
but only make me more ill
A pill for my depression
A pill for the rage
A new pill added each year
As I progress in age
I was not beautiful.
I am not beautiful.
I will never be beautiful.
But I could be thin.
It began as a whisper
It grew louder, it spoke to me
Until every day it was a
Screaming in my ear,
You say I’m okay
On the outside
So I must be alright
To keep going
But have you once thought
About how I feel inside
I once saw my body
Like a forest,
burned to the ground and uninhabitable.
My hair drops like leaves
As the cold makes me shake
And at first
I think
I am death.
I was little when disposable cameras were "the thing"Polaroids were fading out.
I would pose for my mother in my new school clothes
Silly faces, ballerina, peace signs.
If you take a look at me, with my piercings, my unnatural hair that feels more natural than the mousey brown I was born with, you can guess
Stuck in life?
Don't cry
Strut with pride!
Hope to die?
Don't end your life
End the strife!
Get some time
Just free your life
And be happy.
When I was five I was considered for having OCD.
To my family at the time they laughed at how I was "considered".
It's a mental illness, you either have it or you don't.
The feel of the keyboard Is like the piano keys
How I make music with words
That no one wants to hear
They continue to disappear
Like Forbidden Fruit
Can anyone dare to ever take a bite
I dreamt that I was witnessing a war
Not in full action
But of its ancient history
Looking at the artifacts of someone else's life
Wondering who'd they'd been
Where they'd walked
To signify the pulse between my veins
Escaping outside
Of my paper-thin skin
To identify who you are
As you are choking me
In my sleep
I.
Comfort me in the time of hour
At a time of utter loss
That I see thy face as a partial flower
Pure and mighty were thy words
In a storm they have caressed me
for as long as i can remember, my friend Lindsey has been in love with Peter Pan.on a night of pill bottles and pale skin, Peter visited herhospital room and the green fringes of his kid-clothes
Prick my finger on thistle
That speaks sweetly, of royalty
Find the moth-eaten holes in its words
Through the smell of my copper-scented blood
Trap me in amber and hide me away
Why do I feel like I have to hide,
If we are all a little broken inside?
Maybe I am ashamed or at times a little scared,
but I shouldn’t have to feel this way.
I wish I could make them accept me,
The scars
They scatter your skin
A scathing reminder
Of the internal warzone.
The silver slither of the
sharpness weighing a ton between your
finger tips
I have many scarsI used to say I had more scars than friendsThey were better friends at timesAlways there for meAnd my blade there to provide a quick cold kissReminding me I was alive
Clouded visions of darkness was a all I could see.
I reached out, looking for a hand but no one was with me.
How could life be so hard when it came to me?
But for everybody else it was easy.
"Be yourself"
I hear that a lot
But it's hard to be myself when people hate me
"Be yourself"
My mother said in one ear
As society said in the other to change everything else
“Life is like riding a bicycle. To keep your balance, you must keep moving.”
-Albert Einstein
Not now, love. It'll be ok
Ok
Ok
Everyone left you, love, for the police blue and blood red
and I know, love, that i'm the only one you have
and I know, love, that you're slowly going mad
The silence that fills his ears mirrors the emptiness that lives within him.Yet the chaos that controls his mindpenetrates as deeply as the scars that litter his skin.
Save me from the surroundings, which are crawling upon me
Don’t turn around and walk away when I’m falling on the ground
Screams get louder and louder busting my eardrums from the inside
Beginning of sophomore year something had changed. Summer had left us strange and our voice
became locked and contained. We were silent.
It didn’t happen to us all, it first only affected a few
You are enough
You are enough
You are so enough,
You have no idea how enough YOU are.
You are the light in my darkness.
You are the happiness behind your mom's eyes.
Fate has bound us together,With slack ropes and rusted chainsIn a one sided tug-of-warI struggle to support the weight of your soulAnd my own
Let’s not romanticize high school love.
You’re not Romeo, no matter what you think.
In fact, I’d hope you’re better.
I hope.
I think that I’m better, I think.
Even though she broke my heart.
A little stuffed pugto replace to one you lostso long agohas watched you all this time.I've seen you grow,I've watched you learn,and already I knowthis is not what you wanted.
When I'm gone they'll say they loved me
They'll claim they had no hate
But the reason that I'm dead
Is because they came too late
The ground will cover me now
As they gather 'round to watch
A fathers damaged heart
A son who threw the dart
A mothers tear of fear
A drug thats all to real
A brothers loss of trust
A family built on rust
Its crumbling in decay
Snap
Well, it’s broken now
Does anyone really want it now?
Who would want a broken arrow?
Useless
That’s all it is
I don't want to look in the mirror and see failure anymore.
I don't want to wish away my shadow.
I want to think of my reflection as beautiful.
When stuff goes to hell
Sometimes we just break away
Away from the world.
We all have problems
We all endure suffering
But we just can't leave.
Find your own anchor.
They think I have it all figured out, but they are truly mistaken.
Fake smiiles and keeping my feelings inside,
the troubles and pain,
you can only see it deep in my eyes.
They think I have it all figured out, but they are truly mistaken.
Fake smiiles and keeping my feelings inside,
the troubles and pain,
you can only see it deep in my eyes.
They think I have it all figured out, but they are truly mistaken.
Fake smiiles and keeping my feelings inside,
the troubles and pain,
you can only see it deep in my eyes.
No piece of artwork looks the same,
because they are not meant to be,
yet we still stare at the mirror
Diamonds fill the sky
Just as they pierce her skin and become rubies
But she will never grace their beauty with her gaze
Leaves become the gradient colors of the sunset
But she does not see them
The sun comes up, it's been a hard night.
Her eyes are red, swollen from nights
of fighting her own inner demons.
The ones no one even realizes exists.
She drags herself from her bed, her sanctuary,
* Rriiiing * *Rriiiing*
I'm serious this time.
*Rriiiing* No False alarm. I'm really going to fucking - Answer Goddamit !
If a girl hits the floor because she hasn't eaten in three days
But she's still fat
Does she even make a sound?
We see eating disorders and depression and anxiety
Through the fucked up lense of television
I try to stand upright,
but I just keep falling.
I try to keep the blade away,
but I just keep bleeding.
I try not to puke,
but my throat is raw.
I try to care,
but I just can't.
Saddened self harmers,
Battling bulimics,
Angsty anorexics,
Isolated insomniacs,
Scared schizophrenics,
Lonely lesbians,
Gloomy gays,
Battling bisexuals,
Troubled transexuals,
"This is wrong,"
She whispered,
As tears ran down her face,
"You shouldn't be here,"
She told him,
As he kissed her skin,
Leaving behind something,
That can never be taken back,
Look up kid, the stars are still in place, the moon hasn’t left,
there’s no pressure there. So stay, watch the sky. Just, stay.
Don’t hide, the leaves are changing and the field is dead,
The Other Me
Happiness
(adjective)
Feeling pleasure or joy
It’s the perky energetic kid that has
Listen, have you heard?
No.
when I speak to think I'm the center of attention is absurd.
Every week; a rise in tension because they terroize this nerd,
1 cut
2 cut
3 cut
4…
I drop my metal savior to the floor…
My body turns cold and now I cry…
Because I know I made a mistake and now I’m dying…
My hands turn blue and my face is numb..
The Feels are slowly seeping in.
From deep within I feel them rising.
Growing stronger by the moment, I wonder if I can fight them.
I put on a grin and bear the day.
I know that this is the only way.
It's been another long night
With another hard fight
That I endure alone
Because so few know
And nobody cares
That my skin tears
When I'm left to myself
Because there is nobody else
Take a look around. People walk around with smiles on their faces and secrets in their heart.
The girl you just passed on the street wears long sleeves
to cover the bruises she gets from her father,
I'll sit in my room singing to no one. Play in the rain so everyone can see. I exist. I do. You don't see me but I'm here. Always here. I gotta do these things to me feel real. For truth, I'm fading. I know it's true.
I'd like to think after all I've been through, I have every right to hurt my self right? After so long without control I need it.
I don't cut do die. Its the exact opposite actually. Really, I cut to live. It breaths life back into my empty shell. After so long you just can't refuse the call. I've cried for it. I don't want to go back to crying.
I tried to write poetry on my wrist
but the blood spread and smeared
and now I can't read a thing.
i am covered in scars
tiney white and purple lines cover my wrists
and my thighs and
my upper arms
and my stomach and
sometimes i can still imagine the blood drips
but i have escaped.
Helpless and weary, I try to stand strong
this conflict I have fough, far too long.
Every night when I lay in bed,
We wonder, we ponder how tragedy must feel
Is it like burning or a pure sensation
With every waking moment you feel broken and helpless
As you weep in sorrow you think of all the good times and laughter
Behold Teacher!
I am the perfect teen!
I am exactly who you want me to be.
I never break the law and your homework is my hobby.
I prefer reading the dictionary to TV
Angels have dropped out of the sky
Leaving black plumes in their wake
The feathers from their wings
Have left tears on the faces of those who loved them
And lost them.
I lay upon a rubbery bed,
My mind fuzzy with lethargy,
And ponder what was in my head,
When I had decided not to sleep,
And that's when they dragged her in,
Plaster walls,full of cracksbreaking in.Press my backagainst the door…Falling through the floor.Mirror, mirror that I see,Mirror, dear, do you love me?Hunger bites,claws my skin.
I still am lost in the wonder of its beauty
So sweet it is
As it just lays there
Deep in red valor
I want nothing more
Than to freeze this time
This time that is sacred and rare
I read the words
of the broken
written in blood
dig deeper, dig deeper
Why you hurtin' so much?
She feels nothing anymore
nothing at all
Pills and a razor
I make lines
They represent reality
It becomes harsh
The lines do too
They see it as pain
Angst
Loneliness
Stop looking with your eyes
They only obscure
My heart is like glass
One word
One action
Can shatter it so easily
My heart is like glass
No father
Arguements everyday
Sorrow and heartache
My heart is ike gass
She was getting skinnier
By the day
So much thinner
By the week.
The sickness
Invading her body;
Intruding,
Uninvited,
Fatal.
Her bones
Protruding.
Her mother
There are meadows we all will see , my friend
There are meadows we all will see.
There are flowers sprung up amid the sidewalk cracks
There are seashells in the sea.
Your time is yet to rise up
Twisted, I missed you, and I hate you so much
But my hunger, desire, confirmed by your touch
So cold, so sharp, but I love your embrace
I loathe that I love our discolored lace
You’d never know the mess she made; she always locked the door behind her
The cold made her ever more careful, she could never be too sure
What she did in the dark she kept to herself, she wanted to fool them all
A girl stands motionless in the falling rain. The clouds cas a dark shadow that scratches her face. Bitter cold nips at her bare arms as she huddles in a deserted cave. This "cave" is her bedroom where she welcomes the cold and darkness.
I know what you're thinking
I know just how you feel
The things in life, they don't seem to be real
How can everything end up this way?
How can I alleviate my pain?
You're body is a temple,
its been trampled upon by many
destruction all over you.
Sex with a new one twice a day because you
need a remedy.
Burying yourself deeper in your sorrow
I signed up for Facebook without knowing the consequences
I didn't realize that when I logged in today the rumors would follow me here too
I scroll through an infinite number of notifications, accusations
Little ruby beadslaced across my skinin perfect little linesit’s so good it must be sin.
Tiny cherry dropletsgrowing on a vineof licorice and maroonscarlet-crimson colored twine.
Remember to believe in the sun when its not shining
Remember when you think you cant, that its worth trying
We all knew her
before her mind took her under
under a spell know one is sure
no cure
It happened so fast
a spiraling of events
I imagine the grief
they must have
in their souls
Let us find the lost wordsAnd write them down.Let us pick up the piecesThat fell on the groundLet us rise up and proclaimOur life again.I can't understand the painyou felt that day
Do you know what it is you need?
Or will you just continue to bleed?
Will you keep choking yourself?
While I try to contain myself
Are you sure that you want to die?
Do you need someone to comply?
I am left with no words when the mirror yells back
All of my faults.
All in one frame
The smoke lighting up the distance
Danced from the corner of the room
Soft, warm, deathly.
In this moment the harsh darkness
Does not matter.
Sinking into the seat as the light
Caresses the shadow.
The moment you crawled from the warmth of your mother’s wombis the moment that everything changed, though you didn’t realize it.
From the very first breath at fresh life she wasn't there.
It didn't occur until I relapsed that I was eight when she came back.
And they told me to love her even though she left me for the boys.
In fifth gradeI ate rotten meatbecause a ten year oldcannot hate themselves.
In sixth grademy dad left for the sixthand the final timeand I started blacking outfrom trying to hunt him down
She looks up from the porcelain sink to see the reflection of a girl. Her face is drained of color and her lips tremble.
See it all began with a feeling a feeling of emptiness of loneliness and numbness a feeling we felt we could conquer we could beat but we couldn't it took over our lives like Rome did to Europe and just like Rome it came crumbling down.
Twinkle twinkle world of mine
How I hoped you knew what I felt
As I walk this lonley path
Tears roll down my horrid face
While I cut with no regret
He used to tell me that I wasn't good enough. He used to hurt me, but on the outside I just played along. I never looked in the mirror and liked what I saw. I put scars on my skin, like he etched on my heart.
Thenis what I never want to be again.Then is that alarm clock-esque reminderwith no snooze.
I guess you can say we all have two personalities:
The one during the day,
If we asked if we are happy,
Once upon a time there was a wandering child
Who found herself in a cold, dark wasteland.
Once it was her safe haven, now her never-waking nightmare.
She searches in the fog for the answers.
You say we can come to you when needed
We need you to listen when you’re called
But you won’t be there when we’re crying
You’re not there for us at all.
the flourescent lightson her iridescent skinreveal the railroad tracksof her train with no brakes"all aboard," the ageless conductor criesshe climbs in.
I was too young, how could I know
It wasn't right, but did I show
To those outside who knew me well
Could they not see, could they not tell
The doctors continuously rave
about the improvement
I have supposedley made
but somewhere deep down inside
I am aware that
in the end I cant be saved.
To them
I have only been
Some call it crazy,
Some say it’s sick,
but I think it’s freedom,
the pain is fierce, but quick.
Some say that it’s a sin,
just a little to risqué.
But it helps to release the pain
Life is a prison
Won’t someone let me out?
There’s no one around
To hear when I shout.
Climb the walls of insanity
Jump into the pit of despair.
If I fall it won’t matter
My toes touch the edge,
I look down.
I see the darkness
beneath the ground.
I look up,
searching for light.
All I see is darkness
deep in the night.
In a life full of sorrow and strife,
The only thing I want to do is hold the knife.
The knife that cuts, the knife that scars,
The knife that stops most of the wars.
The wars inside, the fights on the out.
The slits on her wrist,
The burns on her calf.
Not eating for weeks,
Hating herself.
These are not things to glorify,
They should not able to.
Be seen clearly,
WhoreSlutBitchCuntLiarWords hurt.They pile into my eardrums.How?Why?Wrong?Questions fill my head.I don't know. I don't know.I don't know.
The Night arrived room,
The flame lit up the glistening blade.
Her towel fell from her body,
on the ground it laid.
A drop of moisture from her hair,
curved her upwards chest.
I woke up this morning with a smile on my face
I love being able to tell myself it'll be okay
Even though last night was nothing but a mess
I was able to wake up this morning with no stress
Chains
Chains
clinking metal frozen
wrists bound
reaching for freedom
no key to set me free
or strength to uncuff
I'm killing myself,
I know.
Each time the knife hits my skin.
The teachers don't care,
The students just stare.
The nurse just told me to pray.
They send me away,
To not deal with my shit,
Forever engaged to silence
getting through day by day
smiling and laughing
pretending your okay
"Im fine" or my favorite "I already ate"
she pretended to happy
but all that was fake
The butterflies swarm inside my head,My mind decides to tell them everything I've said.Fluttering, moving, spacing out,They come from all directions to have no doubts.Peaking and peering inside my mind,
I’m sorry if it’s strange, but I don’t feel right
And it’s taken me a while to figure out why.
Now it’s hit me, I know why I feel so undone.
I’m just not fighting anymore.
dissapointment
when the 16 year old boy kills himself for no known reason
how your bestfriend changes faster than the seasons
and how when its winter you want summer and when its summer you want fall
I watch her from a distance
she's just two desks down from mine
She's just an average girl
so it seems...
But beyond her firm composture
is a broken being
A girl who refuses to reflect the pain
It's all cutting into her, the more she tries, the more she bleedsShe feels like she can't choose right from wrongShe can't solve that problemWhy should she try, she feels like she doesn't matter
You tell me to raise my hand when I know the answer.
I have several answers for the things you want me to know. I know where Belgium is. I know why CO2 is a greenhouse gas. I know who the fifth president was.
Hips, ribs, and collar bones;
Never hurt by sticks or stones.
Words made you this way.
"I can't stand myself!" you say.
You think they're right,
You think you're wrong.
"Keep it up,"
Teachers
Why don’t you stop lecturing
And listen for a change
Maybe pay attention to the kids in the back row
Who might have some scars to show
And goes home to cut and feel low
There are just something you cannot fix
Trust me, I know
I used to write letters to a girl who had slits on her wrist
To say the least, she was sadistic
She was sad and had a sickness
The scars on your arms
do not mean you gave up
they mean you were strong
enough to stop the pain
to stop the hurt.
They mean that you
didn't take anyones crap
you proved to yourself
Am I real?
I see my shadow,
I feel my skin,
Yet on the inside,
I feel numb.
Am I real?
I cut myself every day,
Yet I don’t feel any pain.
I’ve been deadened.
Am I real?
I sit here letting out silent pleas
With the blood that I bleed.
I cut myself, once again,
Hoping that it will cause my heart to bend
Bend yet not break
But in the end, I can barely keep myself awake.
I am broken.
My skin, my soul, my heart, my mind.
I am broken.
I am wounded.
My heart has been stabbed and
Is bleeding out of silence
Crying hoping someone would see….
But they don’t.
I try my best to hide it fom everyone,
I tried to tell someone,
anyone.
No one believes me,
They push me away,
They do not want to hear it.
I continue to cut,
If I were to harm myself can you tell me how you'd feel? Would you feel ashamed of it, of how you made me kneel?
She'll tell you:
You're ugly and fat.
and guess what-
You'll always believe her.
I don’t know howto cope right nowI’ve got a blade in my palman urge in my bodytoo many feelings in my brainand so many things I didn’t say
No miss, you don't understandHe doesn't “like” meHe doesn't “like” me at allThat's what this is all about, seeHe calls me fat, missAll the timeGuys don't do that to girls they “like”
Make a slice on each armDon't worry it won't do much harmSkips a few mealsIt's not that big of a deal Take a bottle of pillsAnd watch your body lye stillPut a bullet in your headAnd watch the blood pool on the bed
She sits alone
In the dark
Trying to find the light
In the only thing she has ever known
In her hand she holds a knife
It’s her only escape from the world
Where she’s all alone
Innocent child
If you existed,
Would you look at me as a future image of you?
If I prayed,
I would drop to my knees and beg and plead for you to be shielded,
From the twister,
There are secrets—Well, there are always secrets.
But there are secrets that lie in wait for me. They lie just below the surface.
When I look back at my high school yearsAnd think about all the tears
From when I woke up every dayTo when I bowed my head at night to pray
"God please stop the pain""Please stop everyday the words they rain"
I lose my substance
and I fade away.
Becoming transparent,
I see them through
my looking glass.
Terrifying brutality.
Hyperventilating,
I let my breath
fog my vision.
Head fuzzy, eyes weak
everything’s too sharp and loud
my hands are steady but inside i’m shaking
and i feel too big to fit in this puny broken mortal body
Death is her wish
and life is her bliss.
There are cuts on her wrist
because she can't hide the pain.
The only trace
of words filled with hate
are those wounds on her skin.
you wear Sadness as an oversized sweateras a familiar haircut-never ostentatiousinstead always quietalways specious.
They Tell Me I'm Brave
Because I argue with the teachers
When I know they're wrong
They Tell Me I'm Caring
Because I always stand for those
Who'll never be strong
Individuality is a rarity
We live in a world of carbon copies
Of mass productions
A world where uniqueness is taken for granted
And similiraty is highly evident
Dear Lauren,
Your head is on moving mountains
While your heart is broken into thousands
And today you fell off the track
But I'd like to guide you back
I saw her. Yes, her, the woman who was always dressed in black, she also had black wings, just like I imagined her. She came to my dreams last night. She had the same hair as me, only darker. She had the same eyes as me, only wetter. She was me.
A pressure to burnSpilling over, through my eyesSo I run, for a place to find sanction.And it's dirty, and lonely, and sick, (just like me)this is the perfect placeto find my own goD--
Death is opportunity
Life is the challenge.
Opportunity to relapse
Challenge to stay above.
Opportunity to give up
Challenge to remain on track.
I am a survivor.
The first time I was attacked I was nine years old
They liked to call me an 'it'
And blamed me for killing the class plants growing by the windowsill.
Later on in the year my teacher left the room for ten minutes
Sadness took over my body,
Seeping down into my bones,
I spent nights uncontrollably sobbing,
Feeling completely alone.
The sadness overpowered me,
To the point where I couldn't leave my bed,
Silver and crimson over and over
Across my arms, along my wrists and neck
My good friends help me keep my composure
When I am stressed, help keep emotions in check
We all need a release and I had mine
I live inside my own head
where there is a garden
and no door
“you let the garden wilt & rot”
“I wanted to,” I said
Doll lips upon the petals
trying to breathe life back into the garden.
What is one to doWhen all you can envisionIs an impending visit fromThe cops, inquiring about theLatest teen statistics?
Blood Blood Blood Blood everywhere
On the sink on the toilets on my hands in my hair
Blood Blood Blood everywhere
Am I living or am I dying
Drowning in despair
Blood Blood Blood Blood everywhere
I was having
A pretty better-than-average day at my well-paying job
Repeating my pleasant cashier script to my mostly-pleasant customers
Pretending all of life’s boo-boos don’t exist
We're so Starving.
Looking in the mirror, mistaking what we see for what we believe
Knowing the media makes billions of off billions of insecurities.
Humans on their knees, ashamed to feed
It began with button.
“Butt-uhnn” I said excitedly while pointing at my mother's navel, and then my own indentation where I was once attached.
The loneliness consumes me
like a disease marked black with the stench of death.
A feeling of isolation comes and goes,
as sometimes I like it,
and sometimes I don't.
The weathered floor of my mediocre bedroom
I almost made it through the year unscathed.Life's funny that way.Had me thinking things were all good,but the impending stormknew better.
The silent urgeTo end my lifeSearching for bloodOn my skin with a knifeI do not flinchAs the blade runs deepBlood spilling overWith a painless creepAnother cutAnother tear
It’s 3am and I can hear myself breathing but I’m questioning the breaths.
What if I told you that I’m not really here?
I am just a blurry vision in the mirror where I slice my wrists and hold them up to God.
I feel my pulse throb in my fingers,
Watch as the smoke dances between my swollen digits,
But my head is lost in a haze.
Take another hit, try to fly away,
To rest in the sky for a while,
“You can never win”
Society roars
They seek for more
More is what they yearn
A sudden fill of whispers fill the air
Not ever so rare
You can never win
Tears protrude
My secret is worthy. To be guarded like the keep of one-hundred dragons. It lies inside a rotted chest, crueal and wicked and warped though I mean to hide it well beneath its translucent wood. What must be kept I cannot keep.
Your words taste like caramel in my mouth.
But words of wisdom do not exist.
Those who think the dangerous thoughts
That if,
Dribbled out,
Would indeed disturb the universe
Before I start to cry
I force myself to stop.
As I feel the tears
start to form,
I stop thinking and hold it in.
Sometimes I dont want to hold it in
But I know if I let just one tear fall,
Scars fade,
Memories last.
I remember those long, sleepless nights,
Where I sat in my bed,
Blade in my hand.
Watching the blood slowly begin to appear,
from the freshly made cuts.
I will lay down today,
and my world will melt away.
Let my heart lake flight.
I wont even put up a fight.
I will watch as everything goes black,
with a fear that I lack.
I wish you could see
The freckles you hate are the ones I love.
Those curls you try to straighten are the ones I can't wait to see
The eyes you think no one could love are burned into my soul
She had always liked him, but never truly knew why. He hardly ever talked to her, normally he'd just pass by. She smiled at him in the hall, he would simply nod his head. "I'm just not interested," is what he always said.
I have a sickening fascination with
bruises and
cuts
because they come from experience, from living,
from accidents, from memories
and sometimes people create them
on purpose
Can't you see me,The pain in my eyes?I'm used to this pain...No body knows the real me.
Can you hear my heart cry?
I lay in bed at night.I cry myself to sleep,Hoping one day...I won't awake.
Society has millions of images designed to represent beauty
Yet not one of those images are similar to me.
There are thousands of different body shapes and sizes
Maybe that's why I struggle when looking for clothes.
Make it stop!
Make it stop!
Just let me be FREE
Free from the pain
Free from the thoughts
Free from my own mind!
I don't want to be trapped forever
one thing I know for sure,
Starving my body, starving my soulI cannot tell what is my goalEat that today, eat nothing tomorrowMy mother's scale I might have to borrowCheck my weight, look towards the groundOh my God, I gained a pound
Momma didn't want you
and Daddy didn't stay.
But the razors your may see
take all the pain away.
When no one's in the house,
you feel safe and calm.
When they return, you're like louse,
I drape over her body:shrunkencoldsevere.The cavernous spaces,like trenchesrunning downthe sides,welcome me tofilltheir voids.Like snow,I blanket her geography.
Someday she’ll find
I’ve left my head
Sometime she’ll fine
I won’t get out of bed
I’m a pathetic
Pretentious
Waste of plastic
I can’t take my face so I’ll bathe it in acid
a daily dose of teasing parents understand it as character building
does character building come home with tears?
does it come with bruises on your arm?
no making it impossible to escape, fighting for every form of exit
Taking the risk to spend the time
The currency which cannot be returned
On those you yet to know are worth it
And no idea when the rope will be burned
Contemplation of future events
Only the cutters know why they cut.
Only the runners know where they run.
Only the dreamers know what they dream.
Only the gamers know how to game.
I'm just a piece of paper
I can't hurt anyone, except for a little sting
But people can hurt me
People can crumple me
I can't be flattened out again
People can tear me
I won't be the same again
I hid behind pretty words and fake smiles,
while behind them i was always lost and confused,
you made me feel so safe at your side like i belonged there..
yet so horribly vulnerable i wanted to disapear,
so i ran...
She sat in her chair across from me
Scribbling on a pad of paper that held pieces of my life in a careless pattern
“Write,” she said.
So simple and stupid
As if writing in a journal can change my problems
Heavy breathing.
Wrists bleeding.
Mind freeing.
Heart releasing.
Eyes tearing.
Body collapsing.
Life ending.
Have you ever seen the rain come down?
Those days where the grey is less white than the pain,
Desolated days where the chains hold you at bay, yet the wind ceases to balm
the cuts you make are little secrets,
and the longer their duration,
the more intimately familiar you become with them.
you know the feel of each and how many are on
each arm, each knee, each calf.
Once I fall down the staircase,I look into the red horizon,wishing only to grabhold of the railing that leads down the staircase of my mind.
Poetry:
My lifesupport,
My lifeforce,
My sweet, sweet savior,
He is the one I crave;
My one true, lone lover.
With each line we scribe together
He gently kisses the pain,
The depression,
The darkness, the darkness, the darkness,
I can feel it behind me
Its breath heavy on my neck
Cut, slice, tear, hang,
Whispers fill my thoughts
Clouding all senses
Why won’t it stop?
Day goes by without knowledge of it
Day goes by just living it
Day goes by doing what we know and love
Day goes by doing what we can to stay who we are
No one knows I haven’t eaten in weeks; I try my best to act normal; Within this sickness, I have reached my peak; Just waiting for my turn to fall; Sometimes its not so easy to hide; And some begin to get suspicious; But I will continue to push al
Salsa, jalapenos, and cheese dips
Are grossly consumed in large quantities
Many munching, crunching, snacking with smacking lips
One glare sent this way
To signal off bystanders a sign screaming be wary
Pass me that instigating pest please
Yes, that bag you are holding
Pass it here im looking for a key
to unlock my stress stuffed deep in mind
Hold on, is that the one that makes my eyes bleed
Skipping meals to get thinner than the pill I'm ingesting.
Pills I'm ingesting to prevent dry heaving are the only thing I swallow cause it's nothing like eating.
Once your skinny they can tell you how fat you used to be.
sometimes i wonder,"why was I born?,why did god create me?",mostly everyone i know told me that they hate me,I'm a cry baby i guess,who's scared and lost,and slits her wrist in pain,"why god?,why me?,this happens everyday",I just go cry,I always l
Your wrist itches
Its driving you crazy
you know why
you need to stop the itch
your wrist itches,
for the slice from
a sharp blade
going deep into your skin
you grab a knife,
I have trained to be a great house, with thick walls, doors only to open on my account.
I needed to separate, to investigate, to deny and to approve for them to come in.
Its under my control.
but you can’t choose when the last breath of warm air exits your body.
you can lie, motionless…
but your eyes still blink.
stare into space in hopes that your brain will just halt
yet the thoughts still produce
All day at school
Feeling Alone
No one to talk to
Friend? I had not one
I was depressed
Cuts on my arm
I'm not good enough
These thoughts causing harm
*Poem is dedicated to my friend who tried to take her own life. How it would have been if she was successful in doing so*
I'm a broken angel
I have no wings
My heart is black
Blood runs cold
Wrists stained red
From the blood they've bled
My eyes are bloodshot
Because all the tears I've shed
Thoughts are dark
This is not a suicide note,
I may have depression and sometimes it's really hard to get up and live my life,
Sometimes I may cry for no reason and wish I could just give up,
But this is not a suicide note,
Sure,
I turn my music up loud, wondering maybe if I turn it up enough, someone might notice I’m crying out, I’m drowning in my thoughts but my words live in a drought, my actions give me away, but I inspire no doubts, in those who walk by me as if I wer
she limps hard. She's never walked on two legs before.
she claws at the walls, trying to keep steady
she glances up, hair streaming down her small face- she's breaking a sweat
she takes a deep, hard breath.
It always seemed dark and cold whenever she thought about it,
How was she supposed to live her life now, he was all she had?
As she left the church where her father's funeral was held,
I fell in love at a young age
with the way words danced
off of tongues and paper
and made people feel
things they couldn't feel on their own
I wanted to make people feel, too
It was a beautiful day.
The sun shone bright, but the clouds were rolling in,
Obstructing the wonderful sight.
One by one by one by one,
They push their way through, blotting out my sun.
I carved your words into my skin
Let them sink in and take residence there
I let them stain me and and burn my flesh
And when the words are finally gone from my skin
They’ll still be etched into my mind
“Them”,” us”. “Us”, “we”.
By “them” I mean “us”, and by “us” I mean me.
But I also mean “them”.
Them, us. We, me.
The mentally ill that we be.
although born a female, there was something that i knew
i knew that i was different, thoughts that stuck like glue.
i put on all the dresses, i did just what they said,
but every night i cried, i fought hard inside my head.
Shadows.
Hush.
They follow you at night.
Shhh
The ghosts are watching;
they know you're not alright.
I see her hurting, lying broken,
Air filled with words unspoken,
He shouts and breaks again the silence
With his ceaseless violence,
And yet she remains, standing tall,
Leaning, breaking, against the wall,
Tears falling
blood dripping
knife meets the wrist again
slicing away the pain
as it grows
SHADOW
It, who doesn’t hurt
It, who doesn’t care
But truthfully It is not who It tries to be
It is simple and It has feelings
Words hurt It and on the inside, It’s feelings scream
We are the misfits.
Some of us have learning disabilities.
Some of us have social problems.
Some of us have been abused.
Some of us have depression.
Some of us are sick.
We are the misfits.
Jane Doe does as Jane Does do.
I can’t comprehend what it’s like to feel to not fit in.
I am a missing piece to someone’s puzzle, a part of a matching set.
I am an ill behaved gypsy in the body of a sovereign.
the dissonance prevails
murmurs / mutters / spEAKING / YELLING
SHOUTING LOUDLY
INTO HIS EARS
LIKE BULLETS STRIKING HIM
BLow by blow
and then a lull returns
hushes / whispers / sighing / gROANING
It is cold.
Not outside in this physical state but mentally and inside this heart and mind.
It is cold.
Its something I can't control but it has happened.
I am a zombie walking the path of life's hardships.
I sit on the floor as
I cry
I wonder why is this happening
I don't want a new "mom"
or "dad"
My foster parents
say they love me
I think I love them too
How can I love these people
The teacher asks a question that makes you panic
as if you've just seen a stranger outside your bedroom window
in the dead of the night.
The question is nothing knowledge level:
it's something personal.
She slides down the wall,
Hoping no one will notice her fall.
She bites her lip into submission,
Running towards her blade,
Hoping to drive away her pain.
What am I really?
Flesh and Bones hinged together
Strips of tissue wrapped together; binging the pieces together to make the [w]hole.
Shell, support, foundation--and the messy in-between.
I want to be marry
but how can I when I know the truth
my heart being broken in two
what marry when the rooms filed with hate
This silence is strange
It screams a painful sadness for my ears
And this darkness
Is like a cold rush of fear
For today
You, my love
Is the end of days
This ring and I have been through it all
Seasons, months, funerals and joy
This ring is my brother, my sister, and friend
Till death do us part this ring is my man
Our two demons came,
with different form,
neither of us to blame
that we couldn't conform.
Yours was a bully,
against his words I was a shield,
defended you fully,
until he did yield.
Who is that person staring back at me?
I see a lovely girl,
Fun loving and talkative.
She touches her face
Uttering astonishment.
Long brown hair,
Dark, frizzy and out of touch.
Long black lashes,
Glasses that covered her big brown eyes.
Smiling when you feel like crying
Laughing when you feel like dying
Loving when you feel like hating
Apologizing when you've done nothing wrong
It's always the same thing
Like a repetitive song
Lying to the ones I love
and dying in silence.
Covering the carpet with blood.
Switched over to autopilot.
I speak and laugh
day by day,
but, the outlier on a graph,
I'm always wallowing in pain.
Remember when you caught me
Bleeding in my bed
Hands and face the deepest shade of red
And I was floating
Through those stars that you call eyes
That are brighter than the sunrise and
I was strong when I was questioned about my gender.
I was strong when people made fun of the way I looked.
I was strong when my "friends" turned the class on me.
I was strong when I had no one to turn to...to call friend
Did you ever think what you were going to leave behind, or were you too busy thinking what you were going to say next in your note? You left a male dependent little girl behind.
Little pangs of jealousy and you-can't-have-me balloons filled with blood
I'm sick of all the spinning, spinning my soul is doing and soon I'll fall and I didn't care to look for sharp stones or jagged rib cages before I began
I speak the truth, but I am
always wrong.
Even when I'm right, still, I am wrong.
My heart aches and I am wild with
grief and agony.
But no one must see this.
In the morning, the pain and the cuts
She sat alone.
Alone and at home
Where her screams were silent
but her mind was violent.
Her insecurities hid deep inside
and they did indeed eat her alive.
A tear rolled down her face
Her scars were fading out.
The red lines in her skin disappearing.
Her skirts never came out,
and her hoodies were worn in the summer.
Bracelets hugged her wrists
and no one thought to check.
I woke up and saw myself in the mirror.
Bloated. Round. Foul.
I am the puppet to my terrible mind.
Yet the strings are breaking.
I am still moving.
Detached and unaware.
Empty and disappearing.
When I am queen
you all will see
the patron saint of self-injury.
The glitter sores will heal themselves.
I'll play the part of someone else.
He stands alone
Fighting to hold it together, but he's already breaking
Crying the tears that no one should have to shed
Using black to help conceal the pain so red
I’m trying to be strong
But it’s so hard when
That voice in my head
Tells me that I’m just
Not good enough
No matter what I do
I can’t escape it
And I am never quite good enough
To silence it
A prisoner of my own mind,
Obscure is thoughts all born,
Beginning as a simple idea,
Into a recurring thought well adored.
i have a world inside of me. this that i do, this is merely trying to enter my world.
I am powerless.
Powerless to help you. To save you.
But you say you don’t want to be saved. Is it because of the power?
The power that controls you in that moment?
When the edge cuts and the blood flows
I wonder if the world would even care,
if I was dead,
would it even be aware?
I wonder if my family would even notice,
if I was gone,
would they take long enough to focus?
Why don’t people ever trust me?
Why do they always lie?
I hate that they say things that aren’t true,
and they make me feel like I want to die!
I hate this,
I hate everything,
I want to go away,
I cry because no one understands
How strong I have to be against mighty hands
Those are the times that caused me to live twice as fast
The strong woman I use to be is fading
He is a boy who will never give smiles,
Save those for the blood on bathroom tiles,
A pallid gaunt face with stars in its eyes,
Leaving their tracks whenever he cries,
He does not eat, beauty is thin,
My individuality is
Locked in a little box.
My insane attempts to maintain a higher status-quo
Shoot me and throw me down a fiery hole.
What the heck am I saying?!
I’m surrounded by family and central heating in
The nails are chewed all the way off.
Bleeding; skin peeling.
It helps the nervousness.
The arms are scarred up and down.
Cut; skin breaking.
It helps the pain.
The hair is patchy in some areas.
I want to hear the ring of the gunshot
just before I leave my physical self
and drift off to wherever I belong.
I want to feel the blood drain from my face
and out my slit veins;
watch it seep into the carpet,
Your opinion of me is so important
that I will destroy myself
in order to gain your acceptance.
I will stop eating
so you will think I am skinny.
I will wear three pounds of make-up
Take a glimpse into my alternate reality,
But there is something new.
This sliver of hope,
gleaming,
so lovely.
Don't snatch it from my grasp
and pry it from my fingers.
It's the only thing I got.
She screamed as terror ripped through her chest,
shreds of skin hanging by tendons
and blood seeping through.
As a physical being,
it stood before her,
panting,
smirking,
mocking her pain.
It's 8 a.m.
and I wish I were
blind.
I could spare myself
the pain of staring
at a reflection
dying to change,
trapped in this body.
I wouldn't have to wear
my worn skin,
You know when you were little
And you had your hand
In the cookie hand
You turned and almost died of embarrassment
When you saw your dad’s face
A green-skinned apple in your eye,
An autumn sunset, a sweet pink sky,
Who, with that mouthful of stars,
Breathes summer on your meanest scars,
And, with those long-fingered hands
Always busy, lets you stand:
Tap tap,
on the glass
of life that is swift.
Lift,
up the locusts from their chests,
A plague would be uncalled for, so
To suggest
the progress
achieved so much earlier in
I am tired of playing this sick game
I don't understand why I always take the blame
Sure I don't give people the impression
But it sure feels like depression
Someone needs to take the pain away
The metal soothes the skin.
The red ribbons wrap
'round the wrists, flowing, endless.
The waterfalls cascade down ebony cheeks.
The laughter echos through the mind.
The waterfalls dry.
The ribbons end.
What is Love?
What is its meaning?
Is Love an action?
Or is it a feeling?
Is Love worth the pain?
Is it worth the tears?
Will it last a month?
Or will it last for years?
I am young, I am free,
I am looking for what I want to be.
Doctor or a lawyer, a teacher or a poet.
Humm, what will I be?
I won't be a bully for reason you should know,
(poems go here) I stopped at our house last night.
With every inch of driveway that I covered I felt a calming familiarity.
Justice and praise
to the things you embrace
weeping for the moment
despising the shame
we take on none
and shake off the sun
to be drenched in sorrow
only to be captured by grace
Im going to die soon, why care about living for.
Hardships and force is the only time i praise the lord.
And they say, "whenever it rains it pours".
I kicked misery out and now im showing pain the door.
Always smiling, never does she have a frown
Through the good times, and the bad
She stands tall and strong
It seems like nothing can break her, nothing at all
But look deeper, look into her eyes
That day she wasn't doing too well, we could tell. She seemed a little depressed, we said she needed rest. We had no idea what was inside her head, so she did what we all dread. She cut herself and dropped dead.
She sprints into the barren room.
Sad tears stream down her face.
She wonders, “Can I not just live,
And win this lifelong race”
Have you ever thought?
The girl you called fat today in the hallway.
She is starving herself.
Even though her ribs show and she cans see the bones in her arms.
She starves herself.
I was tried of it all
The profanity
The abuse
The lies I told
My caring parents
I though I couldn’t do anything
But when all of the above
Came into one
I had to do something
You push me down
You Kick Me Down
You Dig a Hole
You Stabbed My Back
And push me down
Again And Again
But what’s the point
What’s the problem?
I’m I Not good enough
Red, red, deep blood red.
A drop,
Then a pool,
Then a river of blood.
Life, flowing from one vein.
Once more, a strike to ease the pain.
Black, black, empty black.
A dot,
Then a blur,
Shingles she had accounted sitting for twenty-five
Holding onto nothing while her ornaments eat the dust
Frost-bitten frigid air whistling on the field
Storm-beaten rails singing water-songs
-
At the age of 1, I couldn't remember much.
I just knew, that when I turned 5 I had to be tough.
I told the teachers,I swear I did
I told them everytime I got hit in the head.
I fled crime scene no turning back not even glance
Remembering myself when given a second chance
My body, mind and soul was laid out on the floor
Then I realized this is not exactly what I wished for
I didn’t come here to script up a silly rhyme,
Putting together letters of the alphabet and creating a story produced on my own time.
I came to speak you a lullaby with all the fixings of my broken past
I was a little girl.
It’s like a private battle
Going on inside my head
My mind says, “Use the razor”
My heart says, “Live instead”
I pull the blade across my skin
How much longer will these voices win?
Deeper and deeper, I see blood appear
How much more damage can I do here?
They think I’m crazy, they think I’m mad
She paints a pretty picture
But the story has a twist
Her paintbrush is a razor
And her canvas is her wrist
She paints her pretty picture
In a color that's blood red
While using her sharp paintbrush
We all carry these burdens deep down inside
They lay down beside us while we sleep at night
These demons are all in your mind
They'll conquer your heart one feeling at a time
Hurt escapes from the wounds we endure
