I want to be able to forgive my mother.

I look at the sky and that is all I see.

The blue, lilac, the sunset colors that wash away

the day's sins in calm and understanding forgiveness.

 

I want to be able to be full of nothing but that same calm and understanding

but I am only human.

I am only daughter.

I am only the one that has utilized self-harm as a method to stay alive.

 

Mother - spit in unknowing, in bitter ignorance.

Referred to me as animal.

Asked, when will I grow up?

 

Flashbacks of nights I'd flirt with the idea of slitting my throat right in front of her

to see if she'd even notice me there.

Flashbacks of days so dark, I could not bare the thought of living

because, well, living was a foreign planet

I was not from.

 

Flashbacks to empty,

hallowed out body.

Mind absent, nowhere to be found.

A life so heavy, I could not breathe.

 

These memories come flooding back as burning tears

when I try to find forgiveness within me

for an oblivious mother 

that does not try to

 

forgive me.