benz
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I grew up being told I was beautiful.
Typical white beauty.
"Oh, you better watch out when you're older, the boys will be breaking down the door."
I grew up thinking I was beautiful,
I would rather hate you then love the idea of you.
That's the world I've been inhabiting for the last few months.
My stream has emptied into the sea of your emotions,
and I am tossed around in the malestrom of your moods.
I was willing to change for you, you know.
And I thought I've loved people before you,
they always say the first hurts the worst, so I thought it was over.
The pain, you know.
I take drugs to feel good, boy.You lie like a liar should, boy.I don't trust, but who would, boy,after all I've been through?
It's getting worse.
I thought I was past this.
I thought I was getting better.
Why are the walls closing in again?
And the worst part is,
I can't cut my hair or pierce my nose this time.
Monastery monochrome,
boom balloon machine, and oh,
diamond rings and gutter bones.
Marching up some mountain,
with our aching planning.
I want him to say this:
"I'm in love with you, okay?
if you're looking for the word that means caring for someone beyond all rationality
I was feeling so confident and so great about myself,
just for it to be completely shattered
by one thing.
By something so stupid.
But then you make me feel crazy.
You make me feel like,
Seems like just yesterday you lit up the world with your smile.
You never really liked your smile but I did.
Maybe it wasn't perfect but it was yours and I liked everything that was yours.
You know, when you’re drowning, you don’t actually inhale until right before you black out.
The instinct to not let any water in is so strong that you won’t open your mouth until you feel like your head’s exploding.
The taste of wine reminds me of a man who died to redeem me thousands of years ago.
I have never met him.
He doesn't know me.
Back up, take this cracker from between my lips,
I don't need you to save me.
I'm ready to self destruct.
Please, just hold me while I leave.
I don't want to do this, but,
a part of you will go with me.
I keep trying to run away,
now you say you need me to stay
don't look at me,
I kickstarted your heart, Benz.
Pushed your fetal blood in the right direction,
connected your neurons.
The foam in your infant lungs,
I turned that into oxygen.
You act as if I haven’t been living from one fix to another the past three years of my life.
You act as if I don’t know just how cold life is,
You’ll never let me go.
I understand that.
You have pride, beliefs, things that keep you from leaving me alone to fend for myself,
I never was one for roller coasters,
I like my feet firmly on the ground, thanks.
But I’ve bought a ticket,
I’m going to ride,
so push your fucking mood swing higher.
Look, ma,
no hands.
i’m supposed to be doing homework,
but how can i focus on vectors when i’m picturing you on the edge,
fire out of your control and closing in?
will i be enough for you
dear jd,
veronica is hanging from the top of the bell jar,
and her heart was poisoned with antifreeze.
what are you going to do when the vault of your secrets destorys itself?
nothing i am feeling is anything unique to the human experience.
i love you,
but how can you believe me?
you can't know how much i mean it.
I have a fear of the unknown.
The idea of space frightens me,
an endless void where what happens to me does not matter.
I am afraid of meaning nothing.
My room is full of stars,
He was born Sophia.
But it doesnt fit him, and that name is as dead as the flowers I have pressed in my journal.
Always there, a reminder, what I have to call hm in front of his mom.
There's nothing more depressing than pigeons in the park.
Did you know that stars are most likely burnt out by the time we see their light?
Your soft lips in the light of the exit sign,
If you're going to the same party I am,
please don't ask where I'll be.
I'll be wearing my revenge dress, dancing with a boy with blue hair or a girl with a nose ring,
and you don't want to see that.
Hey.
I'm Benz.
I changed my name when I was fifteen,
I'm many things.
Buddhist, retired emo, a little bit of a stoner.
I'm a little hipster,
a little grunge,
and little spacey,
I will always be here for you.
I will be there for the late nights, the early mornings,
the breakdowns and the breakups.
I know you don't love me.
But, could you please just love my name on a screen?
I am not going to write about you.
I am not going to write about him.
I am not going to write about it.
I am not going to write about me.
I want to write about the world.
I want to write about changes.
Her face is like the midnight sky.
The whites of her eyes are half moons,
and the stars escape when she cries.
I hope she doesn''t anytime soon,
but I've tagged her with graffiti constellations,
My right-side brain's growing fowers,
my lungs are sprouting roots.
My heart's a dripping beehive,
its sweetness all for you.
So wrap it all up in paper,
send a burnt offering to the sky.
I climb out my window just to see if I can.
My parents used to be police officers, no joke,
yet here I am in the clubhouse of a legitimate gang.
Jinx knew she was in trouble when she saw his name flash across her screen.
He, the almightly nail-painter, combat-boot-wearer, bipolar feelings-fucker,
he needed her.
I mean, she was assuming that's what this was about.
I was twelve and rebellious,
far from God and home at curfew,
and my mother worried.
Of course, the logical way for any modern mother to solve her daughter's issues-
You and your ideas of luck and things
that sad men sing and empty rooms bleed.
There really wasn’t any need for you to be kind,
Cause things got so much harder on the west coast.
When i moved here i realised i needed you most.
One week i had a lover, the next, a ghost.
The scariest part of being alone is liking your empty home.
It’s a double edged blade made of security and pain,
it’s depressions bed at three am,
it’s saying “i’m okay with this.”
The smell of creosote reminds me of the place I live,
but the salt air here reminds me of home.
I see the way people change when they look.
Really look.
