You know, when you’re drowning, you don’t actually inhale until right before you black out.

The instinct to not let any water in is so strong that you won’t open your mouth until you feel like your head’s exploding.

And when you finally let it in, that’s when it stops hurting.

I’m fine.

Yeah, aside from the not sleeping,

the constant overwhelming feeling that something bad is about to happen.

It’s not just a feeling,

it’s some type of reality.

I can’t breathe,

like I’m drowning.

So, if I’m drowning and I'm trying to keep my mouth closed until the 

very

last

moment,

what if I choose not to open my mouth?

To not let the water in?

I mean, people do it anyway,

it’s a reflex,

but

if I hold off until that reflex kicks in,

I’ll have more time, right?

Not much,

but more time to fight my way to the surface,

I guess.

More time to grab a preserver.

But

more time to be in agonising pain,

did I forget the part about my head exploding?

If it's about survival, though,

isn’t a little agony worth it?

What if it just gets worse?

What if it’s agony now, and hell later on?