Teenage Angst and Swimming Lessons

You know, when youโ€™re drowning, you donโ€™t actually inhale until right before you black out.

The instinct to not let any water in is so strong that you wonโ€™t open your mouth until you feel like your headโ€™s exploding.

And when you finally let it in, thatโ€™s when it stops hurting.

Iโ€™m fine.

Yeah, aside from the not sleeping,

the constant overwhelming feeling that something bad is about to happen.

Itโ€™s not just a feeling,

itโ€™s some type of reality.

I canโ€™t breathe,

like Iโ€™m drowning.

So, if Iโ€™m drowning and I'm trying to keep my mouth closed until theย 

very

last

moment,

what if I choose not to open my mouth?

To not let the water in?

I mean, people do it anyway,

itโ€™s a reflex,

but

if I hold off until that reflex kicks in,

Iโ€™ll have more time, right?

Not much,

but more time to fight my way to the surface,

I guess.

More time to grab a preserver.

But

more time to be in agonising pain,

did I forget the part about my head exploding?

If it's about survival, though,

isnโ€™t a little agony worth it?

What if it just gets worse?

What if itโ€™s agony now, and hell later on?

ย 

ย 

This poem is about: 
Me

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