screwup
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The pain is almost unbearable.
I never excpected to love you, it just happened.
And now here I am wishing you'd just speak to me.
You flirt with everyone, but the one boy that flirts back is shunned.
Some people's idea of happiness consist of tender moments with another.
Other's consist of a smokey room full of friends.
Other's, of piles of money and days full of laziness.
Music makes me think of you.
Smiles make me think of you.
Poetry makes me think of you.
Laughter makes me think of you.
Nature makes me think of me of you.
As I remember my happy times, I long for them back.
Me just a whisper of your past, but you are still screaming in my ear.
I still laugh at our walks together, our childish conversations.
You call this a crush?
I feel like shit everyday you avoid me.
I feel like I deserve to die because what I've done.
God has cursed me and left me to wilt in this ditch.
God I hurt so much.
Without you to talk to.
Im trying so hard to fix it, but god I'm tired.
Just tired.
Emotionally, physically, psychologically.
Is it even worth it at this point?
Roller coasters used to be fun.
With it's ups and downs and twists and loops.
I had you by my side to make it fun.
Now my highs are scary, because I can only go down from them.
You were my world.
You were the sun of my solar system.
The music of my life.
You mattered to me more than anything.
And you still do.
Did you ever think about me?
Did you ever dream about us?
Was it a dream?
Us?
We were so happy.
So childlike.
So carefree.
What happened?
It was too short.
I messed it up, didn't I?
My happiest days were with you.
Do you think this is what I wanted?
Do you think I follow you so I can torment you?
Do you think I'm happy?
Do you think I am mad at you?
Do you think I hate you?
I would never be mad at you.
Why do I love you?
I love you because you make gremlin faces at me.
I love you because your teeth don't quite line up.
I love you because you bounce all over the place.
Every time I think of our time as friends, I die inside.
I feel as though I just swallowed broken glass.
I want to curl up in a ball and cry forever.
Everytime I see you I think of my mistakes.
I don't waste my time every morning because I think it's funny.
I don't make new friends in my own interest.
I don't stay at school to practice for 14 straight hours because it's fun.
Everyday I fight a war.
I get up without the guarantee of seeing you.
I go to school without you to make it bearable.
I smile without you to make it real.
I laugh without you to make it full.
What do you see when you see me?
A good friend that fucked up?
A horrible friend that never truly cared?
A stranger that needs to give up?
A jerk that is too clingy?
A loser that you wanted to humor?
I never expected to love you.
I never thought I would even become friends.
Ask me 2 years ago, I may have even called you ugly,
With your short stature and uneven teeth.
But oh how things have changed.
I'm in love with a lot of people.
I love my friends; Nathali, Victoria, Logan, and Allison to name a few.
I love my family; My Mom, my Dad, my Brother, and my Sister.
But you? You are different.
I love you.
Sometimes, when life gets too hard to stand,
you need a minute to sit down in the mud and move on.
Move on from all that is hard, from all things that give you stress.
Now, moving on is not the same as giving up.
I used to be sad, used to mope and grief.
I used to stand on the edge of tears as I saw you.
Now I realise, there is nothing appealing about depression.
Then I saw your sadness.
You became glue for me.
Sometimes I wonder, what do you dream about?
Do you dream about wild fantasies where you are a queen?
Do you dream about worlds made of sweets?
Do you ever dream of me?
Even the happiest times are melancholy without you.
Even the sunniest days are dark without you.
Even the warmest blankets are cold without you.
Even the fullest rooms are empty without you.
I was born in the same generation as you,
lucky enough to meet you.
I was lucky enough for you to move to my town.
You visited me in the summer,
lucky enough for you to care.
Never did I think that I wouldstoop so low as to fall intothis deep darkness that doesn't endthis coldness that punctures the soul.This is all my fault, my fault thatnow you don't want to talk to me.
One, two, three
let me lay in bed and count.
four, five, six
the mistakes I've made with you.
seven, eight, nine
I would take them all back.
ten, eleven, twelve
each one just as bad as the last.
