Bipolar Disorder

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I have grown up six times. The first time, I was stitting on a couch, watching television when my father stormed in with eyes red as hot embers yelling at my mother who pretended she didn't remember cheating
  Bipolar is:extreme changes in mood, from mania to depression. Between these mood episodes, a person with bipolar disorder may experience normal moods. My idea of bipolar:  
At first I went                         low. Real, real                         low until I couldn’t remember the                         up anymore. Couldn’t remember what it
A small cup-- with tiny discs and colorful oblong obsessions, I take them to feel whole. I take them with  hope to wash them down-- Are the medications helping?
This is how we play the game Up down, left right Down Down Down SLAM Rock bottom hits you You have no energy left to fight back The game isn't fair to most
I am high and low I wonder who I really am I hear myself saying I’m alright I see a struggle I don’t know if i can pass I want for my friends not to have to worry
I am, but not reallyI live without meaning I swim in my mind To bide my timeAnd try not to go crazy
I remember crying myself to sleep, seeing no hope for the future. If only Mom, Dad, Sister, Brother could see the damage they inflict on me.
When I wrote her love songs, you cried because they were “Just that good.” And I was falling and falling and falling.
BPD
you can be as  kind & as loving  as you want.    but  i still won't believe that  i deserve you. i'll  disappoint you.   suck the light
   Beware, beware, be skeptical, of their smiles, their smiles of plated gold, Deceit so natural, But a wolf in sheep's clothing is more than a warning.
This is a tide coming into the beach Only we all know in the next six hours  It will down us out as Tsunamis do.  Every little piece of home we ever clung to Wiped out to start anew. 
War
My body is the aftermath of a silent war. Friendly fire has wrecked havoc on my insides As cell attacks, cell and my mind rebels against itself
She stares at the blank page Then at the far wall ”We’re all mad here,” it says Whispering Yelling Beckoning I feel so small A tiny version of myself Balled up inside
"Hello." And just like that my world is spinning Don't you dare start smiling or grinning Don't try showing me any emotion, Emotion's a tidal wave, rolling off the ocean.
Dear Doubtful Loved Ones,   My mental illness is not a product Of failed relationships. My mental illness is not a result Of someone not loving me. My mental illness is not based
He was lost in the labyrinth of his own mind Navigating his path with blindfolded eyes Afraid about whatever he might find Trying to uphold his very own guise   He heard the monster's call
The air begins to become thin as she takes another breath, she tries to calm her nerves down as she feels she's near to death. The anger built up inside her is finally sinking in, 
My mind is like a random password generator. They come. They go. Never the same. m8cvp8w7jzo There is a switch in my head. But not two options. Hundreds Too many inside.
"Fuck." "I want to die," I say. "I wasn't supposed to let it get this bad again," I say. As if I have any choice in the matter. As if my brain isn't the traitor here.
who am i today? a disarray of traits to have and things to be. this is a game i play over and over - unravelling the me that came that's new from yesterday.  
I hate you but I am not the one who created you, You will follow me around whereever I go, I see you in the shadows and in the light, You are the very reason I cry myself to sleep at night,
EMOTIONS  I'm Not Feelin So Fine Not feelin so great Hate. The way I feel Hate. The patients to wait. But in the end, I'm feelin fine. Every night through the day I feel high, up, down, O-kay
Which is better depression or mania   What is worse organic psychosis or obscure sadness    You see the bright white i see the solemn  grey I don't mean to sound desperate but
“Melancholy is the happiness of being sad” -Victor Hugo          
It feels as if I'm flying and not even trying to be better,No longer am I plagued by depressing thoughts in my head, wishing I were dead but ratherFeeling like I'm on top of the world ready to leap down into the abyss below,
Don't give up, it get's better. Don't let those eyes get any wetter. Don't beat yourself up or tear yourself down. Don't give the world its saddest sound. Don't let your mind lose itself.
There’s no glamour in it. No flashing lights lighting up the reflection in the tears of her eyes. Just purple circles from sleepless nights
What does it feel like to be dead?    Is it cold? Slimy? Painful?   What does it feel like to exist?  
Would I miss her advice when she shows me how, How to survive and stand up for myself? Even in ways that are bad for my health.   Bad for my already manic, young mind
                Floods of wrath, Tigris to my Ur!                 Trenchantly breaking relations                 —Temples of Toil— made by me!                 From the sweat of my brows, they’re built
someone once told me that depression was god's way of weeding out the weak as if there were no room in this world for people like me people who can't just "suck it up" and be HAPPY
No one Not even the rain Can quite feel my pain As I call out your name And its a shame That you left me in vain While I crawled on the floor leaving a small blood stain
I’m not as okay as I said I was I’m taking the pills, I promise But I still feel like there’s not Much you can do for me now.  
It’s time for a change It’s time to put an end to the stigma that surrounds mental illnesses It’s time to stop shaming those with mental health problems
  the stuggle throught her life
I awake Shower Clothes Food Shoes Leave   Elevator Door Opens Push Up Go Down Can't Get Up   Next Day Elevator Door Opens
Some days I want to put a gun to my head but then again, who'd be crazy enough to put a gun in my hands? Silence Is a beautiful thing when all you can hear in your mind are screams Blindness 
Some lions, some tigers go to frightening lengths The random firing of synapses Scare themselves and each other half to death The random misfiring of synapses
I have fallen into a pattern of ticking and tock-ing for those who simply miss the measurement of time. My mouth is stained red, but my mind is enveloped in tones of blue, no longer
If I had to write about being bipolar, I would write about the ups and downs. How some days you feel like you are soaring and others you feel like you are fifty feet underground.
I take eight tablets and capsules a day. They help hide the unreliable wiring to my mind. Giving me this false intoxication. Frenzied sometimes, but dispiritedness always. I just get this abnormal logic.
August 9: I was undiagnosed mixed stateit’s in the new DSM, a form of bipolar and I called the suicide hotlineI was going to drive my car until I ran out of gas and kill myself
When diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder, the concept of self is lost.  
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