ED
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I remember
I remember when I could just eat
Eat because I was hungry
Eat because I just wanted to
Because that cookie just looked delicious
Taking a bite and feel happy
Yeah, I remember
Panic is a bathroom sink,
Grime-covered and overflowing,
Tearing the skin off my hands
With its vicious heat splashing,
Burning cold through spilled ink.
Another day, another broken promise
my beloved worst enemy comes to visit again
ridding my body of nutrients
whispering evil to my brain
People get sick, people die
but my disease is secret
choosing clothes
looking in the mirror
starring into a stranger.
we know tonight we'll skip dinner
to wake up a little bit thinner.
walking with your dog will never be the same
Each breath I feel the army wanting to
push the barricade
I swallow so much saliva it washes back
the front line back into the sea from which they arose
They are fighters, no matter how hard I
I am having a difficulty speaking
I am having a diffuculty of acting
Normal--
So I keep singing Normal Girl
so maybe I can be as such
My mind, a racetrack
having an eating disorder means wanting everyone to know and no one to ask
it means accidentally leaving your lunch at home and proudly telling friends no thanks when they offer to share
I am a host for a parasite,
A parasite whose disease has sucked on my mind,
Leaching my hope,
Leaching my sanity,
Raping me of all personality.
Of course you are not perfect,
but why do you fret?
There are many more important reasons
to find yourself upset.
You could be greedy, coniving, full of deceit,
turning a blind eye
She came and went.
as if it were easy
for all of us
to stand back and
watch.
Faster, slower, stop.
the water continued
dripping
collecting
cascading towards
Anxiety, depression,
An undiagnosed disease.
Hiding under smiles and laughs
So nobody saw me.
Twelve years-old and so confused
By the media displays.
I tried to be just like them
You never noticed
That you never saw him eat
In all the months you've known him.
You had no idea
Whether she shaved her legs
Because you never saw her in anything but sweats -
My arms have gotten fat and weak
My thighs are soft and plush
The weight I gained is in my cheek
My stomach feels like mush
My former self ws thin and weak
Although I thought her strong
Who am I without a filter?
For the past four yeasrs, I haven't had an answer to that question
I've spent so long trying to become littler
I've tried to disappear which is something I probably should mention
There I was
another day
spent counting miles
subtracting calories
calculating deficits.
Run, run to look good, run to look pretty, run so boys will like you.
I can’t chew on the thought that’s begot
Rotting inside like they thought I forgot
When they couldn’t see me gnashing my fangs
against my iron-wrought cage, the fangs, their bangs-
It feels like stones no matter what I put in
The hardness makes my stomach groan in pain
The echoing of the fall audible from the outside
I can eat old favourites or new worsts but it ends the same
God help me.
Give me a hand.
help me out.
im drowning in your presence,
but it is evil that reaches his hand out to help.
to pull me out of these rising waters.
I may sound insane,
but the voices I hear are not of a lunatic .
They are of someone suffering of OCD ( Obsession Compulsive Disorder).
"IT NOT CLEAN!"
When I was younger, my mother’s name for me was Doll.
Her hair was golden thread, her eyes were glass.
She would dress me and undress me, and hold my pink hands and sing,
“How perfect you are,
Ask the girl in the glass how she survives on just air.
Ask her, how does she last when she devours nothing but despair?
And remorse coats her every attempt to ignore what she sees,
How many cuts and bruises authority figures can ignore
For the sake of pretending so it's not on their shoulders;
Denying a problem that's clearly there with phrases to cover, such as:
Toughen up, don't tattle.
This isn't something you ask for,
This wasn't something I chose
For the monster that tricked me,
Was as alluring as a rose.
I didn't realize my portions,
Began to drastically shrink,
It is not that I love death more,
but that I love myself less.
This eating disorder is becoming a chore.
It is something lodged in my chest.
It's not that I love food less,
Shes controled by a skinny waist, a empty stomach and an acid taste. Sit back and watch closly, as that beautiful soul goes to waste. Keep up with the fast pase, another skipped lunch and a hunch to move paranoia in it's place.
All this suffering - it makes no sense
How one could live through such nonsense.
Minute by minute, the pain increases
As it rips through her veins like shards and pieces.
I turn like an unbalanced ballerina in the face of the mirror,
Examining each curve and pudge of the body I have been drilled to hate,
And squint critically as I suck in my stomach.
Am I pretty yet?
Her mirror belongs in a carnival, a wrong distorted image of what she looks like.
She'll try to bend herself to make that reflection look perfect.
Cut down what is eaten until it resembles the remnants of a forest.
Internalize
what you love,
despise
desire
lose yourself, entire
yet don't dismiss
that inner tormented artist
when did we proclaim
that our dreams were unattainable?
Her eyes told a different story
Than her worn hands.
Pupils dilated
Loving all who understand.
And the sore indentation on the middle finger of her right hand
Supporting that she knew words were essential.
I’m sitting in my room curled up
on my bed in so much pain
Why
I did everything right
I did what my doctors told me would
I ate my vegetables, my fruits, my carbs, my protein
I ate my fat
I may sleep for the
Weak I feel so deep in my
Guts and those damn bones
Not cured but bad
I’m not in sickness but I
Do think about it
I needed a friend...
Someone
Who would always be there for me
Comfort
To keep me safe and secure
Courage
To do what I wanted to with my life
Happiness
That my body could not contain
...
You hold my tired hand
Your bright eyes crinkle into that widespread smile
Your thumb traces the tired lines of my palm
I do not know what our future holds
After all, we're seventeen
Mirror, mirror, on the wall
Who's the fairest of them all?
She who's tall and she who's thin,
She who gets a workout in
She whose thighs are far apart,
She who has an ice cold heart.
You know that thing?
The thing that nobody talks about?
Making yourself puke?
Yeah
I do that
It hurts
It burns
It destroys your teeth
But what they forget to tell you
In health class
Recovery Is Possible
That's what they keep telling me
I don't know how to believe it
When I've had this eating disorder
For almost a decade
But I know
I'm sick of it
I'm sick of the being sick
That's what someone called me yesterday
I was just walking
Alone
In the hallway at school
And the girl
The blonde one
With the long, slender legs
And the flat stomach
Ana
Anorexia
Anorexia nervosa
Ana
My friend
My best, closest friend
You're there for me
When I need you
You whip me into shape
You love me
I can tell you do
The thing about ED is
He never leaves you
Through the good
The bad
The ugly
He's there
A little wasp
Following you around
Stinging you
Every time you reach out
