Who am I without a filter?

For the past four yeasrs, I haven't had an answer to that question 

I've spent so long trying to become littler 

I've tried to disappear which is something I probably should mention

Hiding behind edited pictures and putting up masks only gets you so far 

You start meeting people and thinking you're making friends

But the truth is, they don't really know who you are 

Eventually, every friendship based on lies ends

As hard as it is going to be 

I'm done trying to be someone that I'm not 

I guess it's time to show the real me 

I've been told that it could help a lot

My name's Nicole Rendell

I'm 18 years old and I've fought a battle for a while 

It's been four years since the day that I fell 

I'm not going to say that if you were in my shoes you couldn't walk a mile 

Everyone has struggles and everyone hurts at some point 

We get addicted to things that take away the pain 

We're not alone though and it's time that we become joint 

I have nothing left to lose, but everything to gain

I have scars on my arms and on my heart 

I used to hide under longsleeves in every sense 

I've learned that hiding just set me apart 

I'm exhausted from always being on the fence 

I'm not the most interesting person in the world 

I've made A LOT of mistakes in my life 

I want to have kids that I can love and hold 

I want to marry the man of my dreams and be a wife 

I'm not there yet, but I'm working on my recovery 

My eating disorder took so much away from me 

Fighting it has almost require a calvary 

I have a reason to live and I want to be free

I'm a triplet; there's two others of me 

We don't look alike and you can tell the difference 

We're close, but not as much as we should be

Thankfully, things are slowly get less tense 

I may never be happy with my body 

I'll never have a ton of money

Obsession with being perfect isn't the only thing I want to embody

I'm so done with wasting my life it's almost funny

I want to go to school for Nursing

I want to make a difference in people's lives 

I used to think my life was stuck under some type of cursing 

I'm over dodging knives 

It's time to conquer them 

I know that I'm strong enough 

I'm ready to condemn 

The monster that's called bluff 

This is who I am 

Unfiltered and uncut 

I'm going out with a bam 

It's time to get out of this rut. 



Need to talk?

If you ever need help or support, we trust CrisisTextline.org for people dealing with depression. Text HOME to 741741