I’m actually quite surprised as to how I managed to survive that shower. I had a mental breakdown really. Well, right before it I was panting and short of breath and I actually started a whole new twitter account like months before, where it was just going to be kind of a diary type thing. Like a pseudo psychiatrist type thing, but it actually started gaining followers and now apparently I’m anorexic and I cant even talk about my feelings anymore because I’m afraid of losing followers for an accont about a disease that I don’t have. Anyway, on that account I was extra depressed, but that kind of goes unnoticed on accounts like that, it’s like a thing, one day you basically write a suicide note and a bunch of peple that are feeling sad retweet it or favorite it and you move right along, tweeting the next day about how you almost killed yourself. Well I have always seemed a little depressed, comtemplating life and such, but I think tonight abou a couple hours ago was the closest I had becomet o actually killing myself. It’s not like the movies or books, I didn’t have a big revelatioin and nobody saved me. I actually told my friend that I was sad, but of course being a sad peprson I surround myself with other sad people, and after I toldmy friend of my sadness she said how she was sorry and that she was sad too, and was thinking about buying a new toaster. So I stopped talking to her right then, and sat on my bed, thinking if I didn’t take a shower I would probably hyperventilate and die. Then I checked my phone and saw that a kid from my school texted me, asking if I was alriht and that he missed me (I had missed a whole week of school, and all that texted me was one of my sad friends, an old friend, and this kid) and anyway I realized that nobody really just talks to me because they think about me,nobdy really just happens to think about me. So I asked one of the sad kids if … well, so, since I missed a whole week of school, I missed our class play, so I knew that my friends would be at a cast party and Ithat one of them m was bound to realize I was missing aand so I asked one of my sad friends if he told the kid from school that I was extra sad, and of course he ddid, like I said before, nobody really ever just THINKS about me, and so it became meaninglessto me annd I ignored his text. So I decided I needed a shower and I blasted sad music and turned on the water as hot and hard as it would go, and then I sat on the bathroom floor, writing on a notecard, fearing that if I didn’t, my sadness would leave my skin in the form of blood, this is what it said
“I’m a sad person and sometimes in moments of extreme sadness I try being happy so I become wild and crazy, but the people I surround myself with are used to be being sad so they become annoyed, I think. But then there’s people that try to save me before they realize that they’re sad too, and they become just like you. Sometimes you devide you should help yourself so you get dressed up and go to the doctor but he gives you medication, and the medication makes you feel trapped, so you go into the bathroom, turn on the shower and write how you feel on a postcard but looking at it now it feels rather small for such big feelings.”
And I realized that it’s not just my sad friends that don’t care because they’re sad too, it’s pretty much everyone, pretty much everyone’s too sad to care about me a dn that probably makes me the most sad because I just had a dream about how someone tried to save me, but that’s never going to happen because everyone’s just way too sad.