dreary but exciting spaces, filled with many faces

noise growing louder, lost in all the chatter. i’m focusing in on conversations its causing a mental strain. i cannot think, im blocking out. im lost inside this blurry pushback.

I feel as if i need to therapize, It is possible i am going insane. Am I insane? I don’t feel like I am inside of my brain. Please remind me, if I am sane.

slowly swirling my fingers around the edge of a coffee cup, i hope to muster up some confidence. But, I am rusty at being what you call normal. I’m not used to the excitement. It’s scary to think I can hear miles off a dog barking, leaves rustling, scratching across the ground even in my sleep I hear these hollow sounds.

Please tell me I’m not insane, I don’t want to force myself to sleep again. My back is aching and my heart is breaking i wasnt meant to be trivial like you. Neither was anyone else. It’s simple but im not so sure. im too awake even though im yawing im lost its only a temporary reaction to the disarming. 

Ignorance, is charming.

Can you teach me? Im not even sure, if i want to be like you. Can I feel okay, at least one of these days.

You seem at peace and i believe that is what i need. But i am not like you. never have been. never will be. its so lonely. im desperate to feel free.

i feel the wind on my skin. i feel it in my hair blowing all around. can i drift away? like a balloon lost from a child’s tiny grasp. trying to cling on but wondering what if. Would i float into outer space? What would mars be like?

I feel myself soaring through the universe, I’m drifting among the constellations and the galaxies miles away from this place.

but the noisy chatter pulls me back, sucks me back down to earth and it feels like hell has wrapped its arms around me like a cold damp blanket that is blazing hot at the same time. 

I didn’t want to come back, I was happy in my dissociative state. I liked being a refugee in the cosmos. Why did you bring me back here to all of this noise? Its just too noisy here for me. i don’t understand, why you cant understand that.