I lived a lifeless life, I mean growing up fatherless, my daddy was super stressed, call him depressed, drinking his pain away, popping pills, shooting heroine up in his veins, snorting cocaine. Beating my mom nearly to death multiple times , my daddy was in distressed. super obsessed Focus on getting high, cause he didn't wanna feel the low, nomore . I guess that's why he walked out the door, when I was four. Crying daddy come back I won't be bad anymore. he never did. That's when my "step daddy" came in, into the picture. Wasn't as bad as my daddy, only worse, old man drinking, feening on little kids. Melosted my sister, since the age of six. In all this mist, I wish, oh how I wish, what I know now, I knew then, cause I promise to God, I would've shot a bullet through my step daddys head. Fast toward a few years, I'm a teen now, the "friendly step daddy" news out out. I was in seventh grade, contemplating killing a man, if he even deserves to be called that. My momma cried and cried. Telling me, venting to me, of how bad of a kid I can be . And I was. So me being young I took the easy way out, slicing my wrists, trying to find a way out. Being a fat kid, getting picked on since day I can remember. Life sucked since day one Didn't mean nothing Didn't fear nothing but if a man ever touched me, I promise it would be the death of him. Hit high school, I remember all the fools, who picked on me, now they drool, yeah yo fat home girl got thick, best believe I use it to my advantage. Still missing, I was breathing air, but I wasn't living. I forgot to mention, the time I almost killed myself. I'm not there yet though, not anymore. okay, press play Now we're in present day, let me explain, like I said before, I was breathing air, but I wasn't living. Still dealing with issues, still stressing, still slicing my wrists, I thought I can quit, on my own. But it was temporary. So now my daddy came back through the door. I guess he's back in the picture. So I guess he's back. I got to see him last Christmas, for the first time in twelve years. It was amazing. I remember it vividly. I met snow for the first time, sang to my daddy, even made him cry, Those two weeks, were the best in my life. New year, new changes, came home to Florida, and started doing drugs. Smoked 6 cigarettes, did weed twice, drank a little bit, trying to live that high life But even in that predicament, I never been drunk, never been high, I remember what it did to my dad, mixture of both, making him wanna die. So I decided, I need a relationship with God. I wanted to be happy. I wanted to know, that God can still love me, and he saved me September fourteenth of two thousand and thirteen, funny things is seven days later, my daddy died, they said it was suicide. But he did say, he didn't wanna live this lifeless life anymore , not only did you leave me once, you left me twice. Second time, being permanent. You can't ever get back. How I wish I could save your life. part of me died, when you did, daddy. But God saved me from this void. God saved me with his grace, you came and take place, of a fatherless child, I thought I was unlovable, but you loved with your warm embrace. for that I will forever chase you, I can never ever ever replace you, My God, My God that fills me with joy, love and happiness. You brought me through the toughest of my toughest mess.