time on the clock

i breathe in

*tic toc*

and it occurs to me

*tic toc*

i've been waiting for this moment

*tic toc*

for...

*tic toc*

1871 days now

*laughs*

i didnt do it for my mom

*shrieks*

i didnt do it for my dad

*screams*

i sure as hell didnt do it for my brothers

*cries*

i did it for me.

*tic toc*

my nails scratching into my skin make the most sweetests of sounds

*tic toc*

the feeling of pain

*tic toc*

trying to numb the feeling of sadness

*anxiety*

i couldnt go through with it

*pathetic*

year one 

*tic toc*

only 

*tic*

5 more 

*toc*

to go

*shrieks*

looking into his eyes

*tic toc*

made me feel like i wasnt a prisoner

 *tic toc*

i was stupid 

*tic toc*

and young

*tic toc*

"but i love him!"

*stupid*

"how will i ever get over him..."

*regretful*

year two

*tic toc*

only

*tic*

4 more

*toc*

to go

*screams*

drunk with sleep

*tic toc*

i look at the clock

*tic toc*

one more hour 

*tic toc*

until school

*tic toc*

"i have to do well..."

*angry*

"i just have to...*

*hope*

with eyes filled with...

*tic toc*

anticipation 

*tic toc*

i look down at my paper

*toc toc*

i failed

*tic toc*

year three

*tic toc*

only

*tic*

3 more

*toc*

to go

*cries*

what?

*tic toc*

I cant hear you

*tic toc*

mom...

*tic toc*

I have a lump

*tic toc* 

and it hurts

*tic toc*

"yes... i have a history of cancer, 

*tic toc*

In my family..."

*tic toc*

"i have a chance of being paralyzed"

*tic toc*

"yes, i'll take my chances..."

*tic toc*

looking at my reflection

*disgusting*

i wear scarfs

*tic toc*

to hide the shame

*coward*

year four

*tic toc*

only

*tic*

2 more

*toc*

to go 

*shrieks*

I look different

*tic toc*

but the same

*tic toc*

I need to do better

*tic toc*

I need to get out of here

*tic toc*

late nights

*tic toc*

I fell in love

*phone vibrates*

"you love me...

*tic toc*

right?"

*tic toc*

I need to stay focused

*tic toc*

late nights

*yawn*

Not for him

*phone buzzing*

but for me

*tic toc*

i look down at my report card

*tic toc*

i passed

*joy*

"babe, do you think...

*tic toc*

we're  going to last after high school?"

*fear*

he responds

*tic toc*

no.

*tic toc*

year five

*tic toc*

only

*tic*

1 more

*toc*

to go

*screams*

"i'm almost there and its like the air coming out of this fan

i can feel it, i can hear it, and its like i can see it... but i cant grasp it...

its not tangible, i feel scared. i look at the Time On The Clock... i have a few months. 

i need to get into this college, its all i could ever want, its as if this one specfic door

opened up for me, and i need to walk through. i cant fail, i just cant...

year five 

1 more to go

and i cant stop hearing

the tic toc 

im so close 

*proud* 

i know i did it all for me

*laughs*