barely a woman at all, at 14

i began a search for love. to prove to myself that 

i could be loved.

i began a search for a feeling. to feel anything.

     pain what was showed up the most.

     it seemed to be one of the only things i could feel every time i sought it out.

     it was a trustworthy feeling.

i always knew where it would be. i always knew how it would make me feel.

i found that pain was possibly the only thing that could assuredly make me feel

 

     alive. 

 

i needed to be reminded of that. 

i needed to know that i was here.

i couldn’t make myself feel pain alone, but

i could feel it when i let others inflict it on me. 

i began letting people cause me pain. in fact,

i was asking for it.

i was inviting it in.

i put myself in situations that

i knew could bring me pain because pain is what

i was looking for.

i let boys, young men, lay me down, bend me in ways my body should never have known how.

i let them stick whatever they wanted inside of me.

i let them give their pain away. and willingly,

i held it.

i took it away.

i made it my own.

 

they gave me their hands.

they gave me their urges.

they showered me in self-hate and exploration.

they dumped on me their wonders and unknowings.

     no doubt they were looking for something too.

     a sense of bliss and belonging and a desire of their own. 

     so that was in turn

my payment—

my reciprocation,

my barter,

my gift.

 

we each got what we were looking for.

and it seems like that was exactly what we each got to take away from it.

 

when i grew older

i got used to this pain.

i felt it less and less with each hand or tongue or shaft that i took, so

i sought it out more.

i had become so used to holding this pain that

i feared it would leave me like everything else.

     but pain was my best friend. so naturally,

i clung to it and i begged it to stay because

i couldn’t bear one more thing falling from

my grips.

i hunted down pain. and in return,

pain haunted me back.

neither of us the prey or predator.

coexisting in the hunt of the natural world.

the way it was before

we possessed one another in the way

we learned to do.

pain and i evolved together.

     never a winner or a loser.

          just here. living. together.

i guess somewhere along the way

we started a family,

pain and me.

we made a life together.

we brought Guilt and Momentary Bliss into the world

together.

we loved them. differently but equally. they helped us get through it. for

we knew if we had them

we could survive.

none of us alone. but always

together.

no matter the time or distance. eventually we’d all 

collide. 

into

 

a supernova. 

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