my mom's gf and her roommate would have parties almost every night and every weekend
random guys and girls would come over to drink the night away and that's when I'd want to just sleep my life away
I wish now that I would've had a lock on my door because of the empty hole I have now in my being
feeling like I couldn't say no
if I yelled I'd be yelled at to go back to bed but I was in bed and he was too
in my bed
MY bed
its dark I can't see but I hear the door and I close my eyes I don't wanna be here I wanna be dreaming is this a nightmare I want to scream
that's all I'm thinking as he climbs in the bed and tells me "shhhh everything is okay" and tears just fall while he's putting himself inside of me and I can't do anything to stop it
only 5 minutes but
I still feel his hands on me
his breath
the alcohol
him closing my door
and that laugh
that fucking laugh
every weekend like clockwork
5 minutes and then there's nothing but my tears and the darkness holding me telling me that it'll all be alright but it doesn't feel like it's gonna be alright
dealing with physical and sexual and emotion abuse changes you
Every name they call you
Everytime they hit you
Everytime the yell at you
You change
I changed
And you know why? because now i think everyone is gonna hurt me like my abuser.

that everyone is gonna hit me like my abuser.

that everyone is gonna belittle me like my abuser.

that everyone thinks I'm a burden like my abuser.

that everyone is gonna yell at me like my abuser.

that’s why i still flinch when someone raises their hand.

Overthink when someone doesn’t reply to me.

Panic when someone’s voice tone changes.

I changed because now I always see my abuser in everyone’s eyes.
And it feels like it won't ever change
because my offender will always be my offender
and I will always be another body to another man and nothing else will matter
I won't matter