All my life I’ve been taught one thing
And that one thing was to be tough
Ever since I was a tiny human being
First, bad words and fists. It was never enough.
Having a childhood in my house was never easy
Try having a dad come home every day drunk
My mom and dad argued so bad that fighting came easily
That was their way of teaching me not to be punk
Times that my dad didn’t realize he hit us
His drinking would turn him into a ferocious lion
Times that my mom didn’t care how she beat us
One time I was smacked on the face just for lying
I had all kinds of nightmares as a child
Monsters and fears are unclear
I thought they were just dreams gone wild
I’m older now and I’m mean as ever
Mom calls me all kinds of b’s and hoes
I loathe those names and I will forever
Dad makes me feel ugly from head to toe
I always carried a chip on my shoulder
Waiting for someone to knock it off
I’d snap on the next person even if they’re older
Everybody was scared to piss me off
One night I went to sleep and had a dream
That I haven’t had since early childhood
I see the little girl run, whose face I’ve never seen
After my anger exploded with my parents and that wasn’t good
I asked, “Why are you hiding under the bed?”
She said, “I’m scared of her”
Before I awoke she said, “At least I fled”
My parents yelled over each other and never even talk
That’s how they always approached their problems
We’d argue next and you could tell by their walk
That’s how they solve all of their problems
When I start running my mouth it doesn’t stop
No one can get a word out around me
I make sure to have my voice stay on top
Problems aren’t solved, but who cares? Not me!
A different night I had the familiar dream
I lost my voice yelling at some street girl
I see the little girl run, whose face I’ve never seen
After my voice turned mute then I gave my body a twirl
I asked, “Why are you hiding in the closet?”
She said, “I’m scared of what she’ll say”
Before I awoke she said, “At least I hid from it”
I live in a house where punches and slaps are “pats on the backs”
Where material things thrown at me become my hugs
And fighting is entertainment in our little shack
Where the abuse is enhanced by drinking and drugs
I stepped on the streets looking for a fight!
Eventually it became something fun to do
I fight until the other girl loses her sight
Victory wasn’t enough. I had to do more than two.
Another night of sleep with the bizarre dream
This time I was fighting with my foe in the house
I see the little girl run, whose face I’ve never seen
After I hit the girl who went quieter than a mouse
I asked, “Why are you hiding behind the curtain?”
She said, “I’m scared of what she might do”
I told her, “She’s done for and no longer a burden”
The little girl says, “No! You just don’t understand!
I’m scared that the anger will come and get me
And then I’ll be unhappy and that’s not the plan!
When I grow up I want to live a life that’s happy
I’m scared that the yelling and bad words will hurt me
And that I’ll get cuts and wounds that’ll never heal
Then I’ll become what was spoken over me
Which will make the true side of me be killed!
I’m scared that the fighting will make me blind
It doesn’t solve anything instead of making enemies
I don’t want to be a bully. I want to stay kind!”
I ask, “If it’s not my enemies then who’s your archenemy?”
The little girl, behind the curtain, said, “You. Don’t you see?”
I pulled back the yellow curtain
I stared into her face and saw that it was me!