i was bullied

-god it feels so wrong to call it that-

it was so much more than that 

it feels like i should call it less

   i was sexually harrased

-god it feels wrong to actually put it into words-

it feels like i should not write about it

it feels wrong to remember

  i was threatened

- i believed them, i was to young and to afraid not to-

this does not feel wrong

i know what they did

they threatened me through my family and animals

they told me it was my fault while kicking me

i was told by the people around me, the adults, that it was nothing

- ignore them and it will go away-

the boys 'teasing' you just like you and dont know how to say it

you should really stop screaming at them

' its not their fault'

but hear the truth

   i was sexually harrassed

i developed faster than the girls in my grade

and the boys would run up to me and grope my breasts

they would slap my ass, they would slap my crotch

and run away laughing

the adults would say it was nothing

    i was bullied

my bullies kicked me in the shins

they dropped water and food on me

they pushed me around in circles and molested me

they said if i told anyone they would target my friends

they called me names and convinced me i was worthless 

    i was threatened

they told me that if i told to the adults they would kill my cat

they told me if i told a yard duty they would hurt my friends

they told me that if i told the principal they would kill my parents

they said they would kill me

    i was suicidal

i did not cut

i just faded

i wrote three notes

telling my friends and family i loved them but i couldn't any more

i tried to 'kill' my self three times

but i couldn't 

so i would hit myself

feeling so hopeless

because the adults in my life- exept my parents and two of my teachers-

told me that ' it was nothing'

that 'it was normal'

that 'i should just ignore them' 

i didn't 

 i triedto hurt them right back

but im not designed to hurt people easily

and they just attacked right back

i was nine-almost ten-when it started

it ended at twelve

im not tweleve anymore, im not even fourteen

it has been years

and i still am messed up on this

 i have had panick attacks

i have heard a trigger and had to leave my classes

to go hyperventilate in the bathroom

    i am not just writing this to share

i want to be heard

 i want this to be understood

i want someone to read this and cry

not for me 

but for any other girl who was told 

that all their personal hell

was justified

to any girl who was told 

that just because they were men

it was okay

it was not 

 i know 

but keep in mind

that there had to be some one who helped you

even if you did not see it

and that this event should not define your life  

it should not suck all the joy out everything

even if some days it is better to curl up and cry

with a trusty tub of ice cream and a good friend