Today, it finally hit me; that moment of realization. I remember the days in my life that were so horrible and low. I remembered the moment, but not the feeling. It had occurred to me that all I really needed to be happy was to love and welcome and feel loved and welcomed back. But that’s not the case. I lived my life so far seeing similarities of events causing other events from the past into the present. Witnessing these things, I began to believe that everything was just a pattern, and that it will cycle back around. I began to expect and look forward to what I would think would be the future. Because of this, I ended up in disappointment, believing things that once made me feel happy or sad would make me feel that way again. I ended up regretting doing the same things over and over again in hopes of an outcome as good as the first result. It didn’t work, though. I was expecting it.
Waiting for happiness is like expecting a joke to be funny when you already know the motive of the words. Happiness to me is a form of surprise. You can’t expect it, otherwise the results won’t be interesting anymore. You already knew. It’s the first time that is the charm. If the second is as good as the first, then the third will most likely be the same. So will the fourth, and fifth, and sixth until it becomes so natural that it no longer is a surprise. It’s just there. That is why people say in utter despair, “What if?” The sad thing is that we will always say that as long as we keep doing the same things in the same events, fearing change when it has already begun.
It’s not exactly what we do that is different, but how the similarities and differences balance out. It is not “what if” that makes us regret, but “I wish.” Overall, change is good. Fear stops change, and thoughts of those differences makes us fear. Fear can help us survive, but it can also kill us. I have to stop being afraid of of the wrong things. We all do. Stop running away from the helping hand and run towards it instead.
It’s funny how we neglect those who care and are neglected by those we care about. I won’t lie though. At times I get shy and I don’t move. I don’t run away or move closer. Fear. Care. Fear and wish. There is so much to explain yet I don’t know how to say it. Life is a dilemma. It is a maze. There is no real answer to the problem because the only problem that is stopping you is yourself. Sometimes we trap ourselves in our own minds and we don’t know how to get out. We lost our balance. Notice how depression is a chemical imbalance in the brain, or how we can’t walk with a broken leg, or how we can't talk after losing our tonsils. Sometimes we need a rest and that’s okay. Patience and timing is all it takes. It will never be the same thing again but there is a balance.
A common antonym to happiness is sadness. Like all other opposites that attract and balance out, the sadness will even-out and things will be neutral or happy. Basically life is like a seesaw. There’s the ups and downs and imbalances but the weight of the actions placed upon it all will help in finding the unexpected of both good and bad. Everything always comes and goes. If I wanted to, I could keep going. I could go on, and on, and on, and on. The words I speak now are the least I can do to reveal at least a small part of myself. -- Mia deLara