I Loved You


There's regret and remorse then trying to forget and move foward, but all of this time I'm thinking...
I loved you.
Our story started at the end when you thought I was silly and I still had gotten giddy when you held my hand and when the days were growing hotter and everyone else was growing farther apart, but not us. We were brought together in the worst possible way and at the worst possible time.
 I knew from the beginning it would end disasterously when the look in your eyes told me you loved me and the feeling in my heart told me the same but it felt practically like I was jumping off a cliff and the thought of nothingness at the bottom of the abyss was too much without some sort of parachute.
Knowing this didn't stop me from filling your heart and eyes with my thoughts and what things made me cry and that I would never cry infront you because that isn't a thing a strong person would do. And I refused to tell you why, why I looked at you that night and told you that we weren't real. And that I couldn't feel. My plummet was almost complete.
I don't know why I told you such lies and why I deprived us both of something beautiful. Why you didn't take that as a sign of me being pitiful, or a girl with too much to hide. In the end I was glad you were so resentful. It made it easier to stay away knowing hated me and that we were now history and you would never have a second thought of what we could be or anything like that.
I still think of your laugh. And your warm eyes. And the nights spent with you that made me feel alive. And the days after you left that I couldn't breathe to save my own life because you had stolen my lungs that had turned black from inhaling too much of you, for you I would've sung any ballad you wished of me I wish I could be your friend again. I miss you.
And maybe it's the thought that you don't miss me too that keeps me up at night, that keeps my back upright, that keeps my chest from fully inflating, that causes my heart to start palpitating. Just like yours. Every murmur out of tune with the rest of you felt like a small treasure to be discovered one day out of the blue, you, and I were something only seen in movies, but a really shitty one, one under your steady scrutiny.  I've grown to resent myself too, for what I did to you. 
I'm sorry.
I've hit my rock bottom.


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