Hiding in my bedroom
Crying silently
I don't want them to see my tears
Don't want them to worry

I'm afraid
Of life and change and everything else
I'm out of control
Sometimes I'm afraid of myself

Because all these emotions
Are twisting, turning within me
And I can't tell where one tear ends and the next begins
And I don't know the reason I'm crying
Is it because I'm relieved the storm has been temporarily assuaged?
Or is it because I literally have no idea what do do or how to act or what to say?

I want to be real
But reality hurts
And I don't want to cause more harm to someone who's already damaged
And it's a vicious cycle because your actions hurt me and then my actions end up hurting you and it just continues
It's another stupid stinking spiral
A black hole

And I know everything is okay for now
But how the heck am I supposed to know if it'll stay this way?
Seems like every time it only gets worse
Everything I do only makes it worse
I hate this
I hate feeling this way and like somehow I'm the one to blame
Because I'm not.
You get to make your own choices
And I get that some of your choices are in response to some of my actions
Just like some of my actions are in response to your choices
It's that spiral again
But I need it to stop
Stop playing into your hands, letting you manipulate me
I wish I could fix you
But that's way too big for me

I'm crying out to God
Screaming again, like I did last year around this same time
"FIX THIS MESS! FIX THIS MESS!"
And He will. Because He did.
He's loyal, faithful, true
Everything I wish for you

See, life is messy
There's not really a cure
No fix all solution
But the best solution I can think of
Is coming into a relationship with God
Maybe I'm naive, taking all my information from fiction books
But I really believe God can change a life
He has changed many, many lives
And I want him to change yours
And mine

And this crumbling mountainside is a disaster
I don't even know what it is you're after
I don't even know what caused you to spiral so completely out of control
Probably a combination of a lot of different things

But I just want you to know I'm here to HELP
and I love you and I WANT to help you
So you just need to let me in
Stop self sabotaging
Stop being stupid
You have a great life, you just need to live it instead of trying to ruin it

I'm all out of tears
Sometimes when things get too bad it's like my emotions just shut off
It's kind of weird
Little things make me feel like I'm going to explode but then a big thing happens and everything stops

I don't know if I'm detached or what
Maybe it's my mind's way of saying "you've had enough"
Maybe it's trying to protect me
But it all comes back around eventually
It builds up even when I'm not feeling it
And then the dam breaks and I drown in my own tears trying desperately to stay afloat
As I cry my heart out for you, watching you sink your own boat

It's just so scary
Because where does all this lead?
I still see a beautiful future
I still pray for that every day
It's just that it's so hard to wait

And now I'm thinking about someone else I know, someone who doesn't want to drown
Doing all he can to keep his ship from going down
But the water keeps getting in
And I want to go help him save his ship, but then I stop and think--
Do I really care about him? Or is he just a substitute to ease the pain that I can't save you?

I want to save you
Saving's not my job
That one's up to God
But it's so hard to sit here in the shadows and wonder what to do
Wonder how on Earth I could ever do more for you
And trying to puzzle out people's motives
I get so tired sometimes
It's so exhausting
And what if I'm always wrong?
When you can't take people at face value, it's hard

So anyway, that's that
I probably have reams and reams more to say
But I can't think of anything more right now so I'll end this for today
On a note where I still feel emotionally confused
Like I'm fine right now but probably gonna cry if I see you

We'll see how it goes
It's in God's control
I've been giving it all to him, throwing my problems up to the sky like a crazy person
And He's catching them
He always does

So here I am, wanting to be love
But still so angry, still feeling like whatever I do will never be enough
But I'm letting it go
God, take this from me and lead me home
Help me to do what You want to lead this into your glorious plan
Someday we will look back and understand

Someday we will look back and say, "isn't it grand?"