Tonight I will write a happy poem

A poem about how I survived the day

Or maybe about the day I have intended to survive tomorrow

Or the good memories

 

The ones I use as explanations for why I deserved the others.

I am writing a happy poem to myself

Because I deserve it

Because I earned it

Because the last time I wrote a happy poem it was for you

And I cannot accept that.

 

So let this poem be about healing

And growth

And not holding grudges….anymore

 

I deserve it

Because I went to work today

Because I met with friends today

Because I read my soul in front of an audience of strangers and I did not cry.

I did not trip or fall

Or falter

Or give up half way through

I finished my poem with shaky legs and wobbly arms

But I’m still here

With rapid breath and sweaty palms

I still did it

And I’ll do it again

And again

And again

Or however long it takes me to stop being angry at myself for loving you

And maybe even after that

And I’m not really sure if I do love you anymore

And sometimes I forget about you

Or how I loved you

Or how I still miss your touch regardless

But there are still days where a song or a quote or a phrase will remind me of all we once were and all the things we could have become together.

But this isn’t a sad poem

Or a breakup poem

Those have already been written

 

This is a happy poem about how I made it

How some wreckage can be pieced back together again

on solid ground.

And they should be

And how it’s ok to cry while reading your poems

How they would want you to

Even the happy ones

And how I no longer let my insecurities speak for me.

No longer let the wind blowing through my hair be my voice

And this is a happy poem because I survived every journey that it took to arrive here today

At this place

I am alive

And that is something worth writing about.