relapse
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Sometimes I wake up and wonder what keeps me motivated
I keep my foot on the brake while some others accelerated
I've elevated but still hated what I was saying
I was just moving quickly still testing my own patience...
I remember the day I tried to die.
The feeling of the blood flowing out of my veins no longer calmed me,
The pain from the blade no longer distracted me,
I am only two years, seven months older
two x’s don’t bother me now
and they came round
this summer, remain adamant
name is going to be Aaron, one who is a mountain of strength
I don’t even know where to begin
My whole world has collapsed
I feel like an unwanted sin
How do you tell someone you’ve relapsed?
The pain I see in my friend’s eye
The immense guilt she feels crushes me
I went there again
You know...
The dark place
Where I swore I wouldn't go anymore
I did the thing
I said I wouldn't do again
But I did
I'm sorry
When I was 11, I started starving myself
When I was 13, I started cutting myself
When I was 15, I kissed a boy who had a girlfriend
When I was 16, I made a lot of mistakes
When I was 16, I decided I needed to change
Spiteful Mind,
Masochistic Nature,
Why must you be here?
Black Outs,
Red Rivers,
Why must you come so often?
Broken Soul
Crushed Heart,
How am I still alive?
Sitting here daydreamingAll the time my brain is…Scheming, scheming, scheming. Even given all I knowMy brain just wantsAnother go, another go Consequences do not deter me now It won't hurt, here's how Nothing can stop this trainMy addled alcoholic
It starts out as a temporary fix. You tell yourself it won't happen again. All the emotions build up. The stress. The pain. The emptiness. Each thought. Each cut. Each stroke of the blade on the skin. An incision deeper then the last.
My owner wants me to play catch
So he keeps throwing his pretty frisbee my way
The frisbee may be pretty, but I want to chase my tail
What? No
I want to feel unchained
What? No
I want to breathe free
What? No
This isn't fair
I want to live
I want to care
Please don't do this again
I was never meant to attain remission;
The persistent emptiness was always terminal.
You were the IV
that pumped saline through my veins,
the sheets
Death is opportunity
Life is the challenge.
Opportunity to relapse
Challenge to stay above.
Opportunity to give up
Challenge to remain on track.
I am a survivor.
A day. 24 hours. 1,440 minutes. 84,600 seconds.
So many things can change. shift. evolve. dissolve. resolve.
Revolve around useless emotions and empty words.
Who you were at 8am is not who you are at 8pm.
There was a habit once kicked, it was nasty and it was gone. Three years of it controlling a life, three years of a voice, a nag, something that had all the control yet none at all.
I’m sitting in my room curled up
on my bed in so much pain
Why
I did everything right
I did what my doctors told me would
I ate my vegetables, my fruits, my carbs, my protein
I ate my fat
