Ongoing War

No one prepared me

No one told me how hard life could be

The constant battle

I would need to fight

The heartache that I am still feeling

 

My heart today 

Is something I no longer want

For it has wounds that have been open for forever now

They don’t seem to be closing anytime soon

Just another reminder of the past

The thing that keeps returning like a forgotten boomerang

Only to hit me and knock me down

 

I would hide behind the teacher’s legs

Thinking they would shield me from those words of hurt

But each word always seemed to make its way around

Slapping my tear-stained cheeks

And puncturing my heart

I wouldn’t do anything

For I knew wherever I went

Those words followed not too far behind

Becoming my shadow

 

I would stay inside during recess 

For outside was a minefield

Always having fear of being blown sky high

And plunging to the ground with a thud

 

I would eat lunch alone

Surrounded by groups of children

Who found pleasure

Staring

Laughing

Calling others names

Making them question themselves and what they did

 

I would come up with excuses to get out of school

No need trying to ask for help

When knowing

It would be for nothing

It never made any difference

 

I grew

So did the pain

Of the insults and actions

I would walk in hallways

Hugging my books close 

My thick curls covering my face like a curtain

Trying to make myself hidden

But I would always be spot

Saw it coming too

Like a wounded deer giving up to a hunter

I waited for them to pull the trigger 

 

I would walk in the hallways

While being called names

Stupid

Freak

Pathetic

Everyday

I would tell myself

Sticks and stones may break my bones

But words could never hurt me

The more I said it

The more I realized what a big lie it was

Sticks and stones may break my bones yes

But words

They would rip my soul

The one thing that I thought would never get hurt

But to this day

It receives a blow after painful blow

Leaving it black and blue

 

I would sit at the empty corner of myself

Trying to clean my wounds

I would ask at times

Why stitch my wounds

When they will just reopen

Soon

I started to add to my scars

I still do

It was word after hated word 

A scar after an old scar

I felt as if my heart was ripped out

And set on fire to burn in everlasting agony

I wanted the pain to go away

I wasn’t doing anything but adding to it

 

I didn’t want anything to do with life

I wished that I could jump

That I could jump in the ocean of my tears

And make its bottom my home

Each tear that splashed 

Made a wave that called my name

I didn’t know

That I have already jumped

 

Now

I was fighting

Trying to swim to the surface

To take in some air

But the sea weed would grab me

Pulling me deeper

Forbidding me to breathe

To take in that fresh clean air that my lungs begged for

I was suffocating 

I kept fighting

I didn’t want to feel this way

I wanted to feel

Joy

Happiness

Love

All I felt

Was my heart swell up with sadness

Just wanting to burst and be done with

 

I wasn’t the only one who was made to feel this way

There’s a whole army of us

Everyday

At war

Bombs falling out of the sky

Hearing the buzzing of air crafts near by

Crawling our way to safety

There wasn’t a day

When we wouldn’t get shot

Some took the pain

Some screamed until our throats went raw

Some laid in silence

 

How many more 

Are going to lay in silence 

Before we see

This Ongoing War

Is really happening

How many more tears will be shed

Until someone sees us

 

Even though it doesn’t seem like it

I have a feeling that one day

We will rise

We will rise

And clean the dirt off ourselves

There will be clear blue skies

No bombs will fall

And we will be able to say

We made it…