Mind of a Girl Who Made It

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My frustration is I feel out of place! I had everything I truly wanted and felt whole with what I had. Now I just feel like I have what I want and don't at the same time. I mean fame is becoming more and more of a turn down. Like yeah, it excites me when stuff comes up but it's not something i'll regret if it doesn't happy. I thought I had someone who loved me the same that I did, but I've never felt so unloved as I do now. I feel like a convenience, and at the same time I want to be the convenience, I guess. I don't understand how someone can act like they want to be with you and say they don't. Seems like only someone who is hiding something would do something like that! I literally feel sick and disgusted to my stomach about the things I've heard. I've learned that I can't trust anyone. Girls, none of them will never disappoint you. Guys, they lie and use you and never know what they want even when they have someone right in front of them whose gone through hell and back for them, and loved them through every struggle and has stuck it out and fought for what they've had even when they didn't deserve it, whose had to sit back through multiple heartbreaks which "apparently" they didn't mean, and just let them go. I mean a girl like me is difficult to find, and I just can't understand how someone could risk losing that. Honestly the only difference in the relationship is that one is dead inside and there is no title, so in actuality it's pointless. Makes me feel like I have to believe the facts, and that facts are he wants to have his cake and eat it too, he wants to have the love, the care, and the affection a girlfriend gives, but he also wants to be able to say he's single to a girl if they ask him. He wants to have someone to dance with him at home where he'll always come back to, but he wants to be able to give it up against loose ladies when she's not there, so he can feel like its okay!? But it's not and all of that is what makes me sick . And with reasoning that can't be clear, a different reason every time the conversation sparks! A different way to let me down, and a different way to break my heart. Has me feeling like I should do the same. Only with my heart, I know I could never do that because I don't love any of them and I don't feel connected with any of my groupie wannabes. Instead I dedicated all the love in my heart to a trickster, to a crusher. That's what he is. He rips the heart out and he crushes it, with his bare hands. And don't let me get started on the forced fake tears he used to shed when I would give him that threat. Don't get me started on those acting skills, when he pretends that he couldn't focus or sleep knowing I was hurt, yet he was out partying! Pretty dern sure this special lady was no where on his conniving mind! But then again, who I am I to blame his poor innocent soul for being a guy, who gets his feel goods from be wanted by a whole bunch of thirsties. I feel like I hear God telling me it will all work out with us because that's how he has planned it. I hear him telling me he puts all those struggles there on purpose, to keep me by him and to keep me strong. And I know My Father is not a man/power to be questioned! But I would rather be with him not dealing with any of it! It's the trust. The trust is what I need to believe in to get through it easier. My feelings are nowhere near stupid and nowhere near ignorant. They are real and well thought out. And if I hear one more time, that there are sooooooo many other guys out there, I might scream! Why tell me that? What difference does that make to me. Clearly I'm not interested in finding someone else. If that were case, I would just need to pick em out week by week. There are plenty that I find extremely attractive, extremely sweet. Obviously if I wanted them, I'd be after them. So why reassure me, what difference does it make telling me that. NONE, these cliche words and phrases I hear over and over again, drive me mad! No more of it! I just pray...... I just pray! But once my thoughts have settled and rested, I will come to that conclusion. The conclusion, that inner confidence and power comes from yourself, and that letting those frustrations trample will only lead to a disaster for myself. In the end of all the hurt and frustration, I will rise up. She will rise up, "because pretty girl, that success will only come from you and your drive and motivation."

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