The thing that shaped my year?
Well…it was not a what,
or a when, or a where,
or even a why…
It was a who.
But who…was this who?
Well, this who was a she.
She had brown eyes with long eyelashes.
She had the thickest, curliest hair,
And the brightest smile.
I sometimes think that,
That smile was a dream.
That somehow the stars behind my lids
Conjured up a way to help me sleep.
It didn’t start out that way.
It started with a late night here, a drink there.
We would take road trips in the dead of night, because
She never wanted to stay still.
“Let’s go,” she’d say
And I would simply go.
No words of objection, or distress
Ever had the chance to leave the tip of my tongue.
My protests died
When I saw her eyes light up.
So we would cruise the empty street,
With no specific destination
And just ride.
The frosty spring turned to a fiery summer
And we would take our bikes to the park.
She showed me the woods and the skies,
Introduced me to nature.
She showed me life wasn’t meant
To be spent indoors.
She loved cookouts, and bonfires.
She would drink alcohol like it was water
And she was dying of dehydration.
One day she pulled me out into a storm,
Walked with me during a power outage
To get something to eat, her bare feet exposed to the wet pavement.
And as I looked up at the grey skies,
Back down at the unusually quiet streets,
Heard the thunder in the distance,
And felt the water flooding around my thin sandals,
Dripping onto our poorly-covered heads, I had two thoughts:
It’s as if we’re the only ones here…
I don’t think I would mind if that were true.
I feel alive.
I feel alive with her.
She wanted to feel everything.
And I wanted to feel it too.
The heat continued…
And we continued…
And she continued…
To get further
I started to Panic.
She would always tell me to breathe
When I did that.
And as that word would flow out with her breath,
Mine would catch
For non-panicking reasons.
Whenever I felt out of sorts,
She would sort me out.
I laugh when I think of her,
She reminded me of a boulder.
So stubborn, steadfast
You could not move her,
Until she was ready to be moved.
She was my boulder,
But I soon ended up
Becoming the stubborn one.
There was nothing official about us.
No declaration, no announcement,
Not even a profile update.
We kept our secrets like we were undercover,
The summer nights we had spent together
Were only ours.
In psychology I learned about
How motives drive us
To get the things we want.
It’s a shame though
That she was not
She came back.
We did it all over again.
It was heaven,
Wrapped in hell
Perched on the border between
She did not love me.
But I wanted her so badly to.
I wanted to be wrapped up in her,
But she was wrapped up
I didn’t…want her to go.
But she did.
And even as she tore me apart,
I tried to put myself back together
The seasons change again,
Summer to Fall.
Those two words
As if I don’t already know.
As if I cannot believe it yet.
I touch a piece of clothing
That she’s left behind.
It burns when I pick it up,
And my heart stutters,
Like it’s trying to remember her name.
Like it hasn’t felt her in so long.
I don’t see her
For what seems like forever,
Though it’s only been a few weeks.
And then…I do.
Can you believe that?
Along with the leaves,
In our less than proud moments,
But somehow she blew her way
To my doorstep one late night.
She threw pebbles at my window,
And my heartbeat fluttered.
A small part of me wanted to believe
She had come back
I must have a storyline
That lends to tragedy.
The visit was short.
It was simple, to the point.
Like her, I think
I could not laugh at my joke,
Because my mouth hung in shock
At her presence.
I held out the piece of clothing I’d held onto
Wanting her to take it
Just take it away.
She just pushed it back towards me.
My heart jumps once more,
Thrums once more
As I hear her whisper,
“I’ll be back.”
And with that promise,
Although it feels like
I’ve been put
I haven’t seen her since
And I can’t decide
Whether to stir up like a hurricane,
Destroying every single thing
Or to erupt like a volcano,
Spewing words like lava.
So I don’t do any of these.
Like a building under a tidal wave.
I am pulled under
By something stronger than any sea monster.
Is there anyone to save me?
As my last breath bubbles up,
Maybe I might
Have to save
Nobody tells you how hard love really is.
No matter how many movies you watch,
How many books you read,
Or how many songs you hear;
Until you’ve felt it, you never really know.
And then you do,
And everything makes sense.
It’s so many beautiful and ugly things wrapped into one.
But when a traveler only focuses on his destination,
He misses the journey.
We forget that while others can make us feel
Absolutely over the moon,
It’s important to find our own way
To the stars.
So that we may touch them for ourselves.
I pray for the fellow souls
Who have lost courage,
For they are the ones who need that light.
But I can no longer stay where I am.
So I shall travel the night sky,
Until I can travel no more
Reaching up high,
Watching those shooting stars blaze hot, sparking,
Whistling past my ears.
I will get there.