Why do I think that I can't do things 

How am I my own least biggest fan

I used to think that I could do anything 

I used to believe I could hold the world in my hand 

What made me believe that I was nothing 

Unless I was desired and wanted by a man 

I want to be a person that stands up for something, just because she knows she can

Why does society make me feel so weak

When I know that I am so strong

And why do I feel like I cannot reach my peak 

Unless I have someone else there to push me along

I want to go back to the old version of me

The girl that I loved, because I loved me

The girl that I was before I got sick 

Before a boy told me that I was too "thick"

I lost myself when I lost the weight

I guess I caught on to my illness a little too late 

I never knew how much I could truly hate 

The reflection in the mirror after a tiny slice of cake

Back to the gym or you will never have a mate

They say family is forever and siblings have a bond like no other 

But that boy that broke my heart, was actually my little brother

An unhealthy relationship does not have to be between two lovers at all, 

And the one person that you thought would never hurt you, 

Could be the last push before your fall

My first heartbreak wasn't my first kiss or a boy from Math, 

My first heartbreak was my younger brother 

My best friend, and other half

I guess he thought it was a funny joke / I would later forget 

But the word "whale" was on repeat inside of my head,

Throughout every workout until I was wet with sweat

He never knew just what he did, until he visited me and I was attached to a hospital bed

I don't blame the boy for every little thing

But that word stuck with me and it really did sting

Since then I have felt heartbreak again 

Because college boys will lie and cheat while they claim to be men

My young heart and body has been through a lot,

But I should have known college parties are an unsafe and risky spot

Don't set your drink down, don't drink too much

You might not remember the night or his hands and his touch

You might learn your lesson, or it might happen again

And he won't be a stranger, he's actually your friend

Why was I not worried about it then, why was I so trustworthy of all kinds of men

And why were we both sober one minute then beligerant before 10

I knew when I woke up, it happened again

But it didn't just go in your drink, it also went in your friends

I know that there are good people out there

I just hope that someday a man will actually care

For me and my stories and my thoughts and dreams

Not just about my body or the size of my jeans

Three years later and I am still trying 

To fake that I'm okay, but they know I'm lying 

I know the old me is out there and she's just lost 

I promise I will find her, no matter the cost

The things that have happened to me do not define who I am,

And now after telling my story I feel that I possibly can

Learn to actually try, and love me again.



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