A Letter to an Absent Father

 

Dear father- or rather to the man

Who simply donated DNA.

I'm not sure if I can call you "Dad"

Anymore because a father is 

Someone who is always there for their

Children no matter what. 

You shouldn't have to be forced to talk

To your children, you should talk to them

Because you want to, not because you

Have to. Or because of child support payments. 

Do you know what you did to your kids?

Or your family? The one you left

Behind because you aren't feeling it

Anymore. You flung your kids into

A battlefield between you and our

Mother. A war we never asked to

Be involved in. It was literal

Hell watching my first role models 

Become something other than human-

Monsters who wanted nothing

But to destroy one another. Your

Children grew frightened. We didn't know

Where to turn, who would help, who would care?

Because who would care if your parents

Even wouldn't turn to check on you?

 

Now, I'll admit, the monstrous days are gone. 

But you still have a long, long way to go. 

You're trying to talk to me, I notice. 

I act like I don't care, but I notice. 

It means the world when you actually try.

But I'm still grieving from losing a dad

And the spirit of a mother I had. 

I'm grieving from losing an innocent

Self who died the day you left, my birthday. 

She's never coming back. All she left

Was a stranded carcass with trust issues. 

I'll never trust people again. 

 I'll never think I'm good enough again.

I'll pretend- sure, but deep down your voice

Will ring out in my ear reminding me

Of that day when I was too much and

You couldn't handle it- you didn't

Want to. I know you're a changed man but I 

Will never stop seeing the man who I 

Loved, trusted, and wanted to be just like

Turn from me- turn from his family and

Leave us stranded out in the wilderness. 

 

I don't say this to discourage your efforts. 

No, I say this because I want to strengthen 

Them. So that you will keep trying when I don't 

Respond, because it takes effort to break out of my

Shell and show some compassion when everything

In me is screaming to never trust my dad

Ever again. To never trust anyone

Ever again. I need to do better too.

 

Absent father, everyday you're becoming more and more present in my life.

Don't stop trying. 

 

Love, 

The Carcass Left Behind