A Letter to an Absent Father
Dear father- or rather to the man
Who simply donated DNA.
I'm not sure if I can call you "Dad"
Anymore because a father is
Someone who is always there for their
Children no matter what.
You shouldn't have to be forced to talk
To your children, you should talk to them
Because you want to, not because you
Have to. Or because of child support payments.
Do you know what you did to your kids?
Or your family? The one you left
Behind because you aren't feeling it
Anymore. You flung your kids into
A battlefield between you and our
Mother. A war we never asked to
Be involved in. It was literal
Hell watching my first role models
Become something other than human-
Monsters who wanted nothing
But to destroy one another. Your
Children grew frightened. We didn't know
Where to turn, who would help, who would care?
Because who would care if your parents
Even wouldn't turn to check on you?
Now, I'll admit, the monstrous days are gone.
But you still have a long, long way to go.
You're trying to talk to me, I notice.
I act like I don't care, but I notice.
It means the world when you actually try.
But I'm still grieving from losing a dad
And the spirit of a mother I had.
I'm grieving from losing an innocent
Self who died the day you left, my birthday.
She's never coming back. All she left
Was a stranded carcass with trust issues.
I'll never trust people again.
I'll never think I'm good enough again.
I'll pretend- sure, but deep down your voice
Will ring out in my ear reminding me
Of that day when I was too much and
You couldn't handle it- you didn't
Want to. I know you're a changed man but I
Will never stop seeing the man who I
Loved, trusted, and wanted to be just like
Turn from me- turn from his family and
Leave us stranded out in the wilderness.
I don't say this to discourage your efforts.
No, I say this because I want to strengthen
Them. So that you will keep trying when I don't
Respond, because it takes effort to break out of my
Shell and show some compassion when everything
In me is screaming to never trust my dad
Ever again. To never trust anyone
Ever again. I need to do better too.
Absent father, everyday you're becoming more and more present in my life.
Don't stop trying.
The Carcass Left Behind