For a very long time I looked down on myself

for pursuing my dreams instead of the wealth

My brother, an engineer

My sister, a nurse

And I... 

I am...

not the lawyer you wanted to see

but an Asian-American fondling artisty

Dancing in the realm of what is taboo

with fear that my parents say "I hate you"

Hate me for living the American dream

while daddy sold single cigarettes to impoverished teens

while mommy weaved traffic selling rice cakes

And y'all birth me here in mind one road to take

In high school classmates would cheat off of me

not knowing I was not the asian to be

A dissapointment

I feel like a dissapointment

I wish you could see my diaries filled with "I'm sorry"

Pages and pages of apologies

as if it were my fault

All of these feelings kept in a vault

'cause when my wounds confess

you'd lather on salt

an excess of sodium overseasoned with tears

On top of my freedom

you slathered on fear

And that was the recipe

The recipe of true control

Fear 

of thinking I'm being dumb

             Fear

of thinking I'm being weak

                         Fear 

of thinking parents are numb

when the child they birthed comes with a tweak

Do you hate me?  

For having ADHD?

Do you hate my generalized anxiety?

How do I explain to you something you cannot see

when this something is not prioritzed in your country?

Me,

secretly seeing a shrink in my twenties 

"Do you have any signs of depression?"

Depression? Something every doctor will ask or mention

And finally the D-word got my attention

"Yeah. Yeah, I do." 

I finally tend to it

Instead of over my head

it went through it

And here I confront an awaited intervention

with myself and a future you wished to create

Panic attacks paying my pension

for power to pride passion before it's too late

before it passes

I used to wish it would

but what could I do if I pursued something that did my heart no good?

I hope you don't hate me

Because I do all I am with good intention

good intention towards two

And all I can mention is

I love you 

in hopes to hear 

I love you too.