So a thunderstorm

A really ugly fight

Four days of not talking

Maybe just another break

But we know that a break isn’t a break

A break is a taste of what it would be like to finally be happy again.

I wish I could say being happy was what I was looking for.

Really, I just wanted to feel like I could make a difference.

Yours is a life marked by suffering

And I want to be a beam of light that breaks through twenty-two years of dark clouds.

I wish you had told me you weren’t looking for light

That there were things you wanted to keep in the dark

That you prefer to hide.

I keep thinking about ugly fights

About getting that bad feeling one week in

About not caring about my feelings because somehow yours became more important.

Somehow my life on the edge of a cliff didn’t matter

As long as I was holding yours up

As long as no one knew what was actually going on

As long as no one knew you are not who you say you are.

So a thunderstorm. 

I needed someone to tell me that I could do better

That “you couldn’t handle a breakup” was just another lie. 

I didn’t know those dark clouds were on purpose.

I didn’t know that you had asked to hide.

I was praying for rain to finally come, to finally release, to finally let the sun shine through.

I’ll never forget the day that it did.

Alabama thunderstorm in the middle of July

Rain on the rooftops 

to drown out a scream that had been building up for 18 rollercoaster months. 

Rain soaking my skin. 

Laying in the grass.

Ready to wake up from a nightmare.

Ready for the sun to break through. 

I have never been one to hide. 

I want my face in the sun, warm beams make freckles on my tired skin

My tired tear soaked skin.

What a relief to feel the sun again. 

What a relief to feel the rain.

What a relief to feel something other than not enough. 

I have never been one to hide. 

Naked skin in sunlight and I don’t have any secrets.

I never have any secrets. 

I let myself fall off the cliff. 

I had been holding you up for so long that my arms didn’t feel like arms anymore.

I needed someone to tell me

That the plummet would still feel safer than being with you. 

Somehow more secure.

Even when I didn’t know what was at the bottom.

Even when I didn’t know that there were hands to catch me;

Waiting until I finally let go,

Until I finally remembered who I am:

Wildflowers. Freckles.

Naked skin in sunlight. 

I have never been one to hide. 

And I deserve all the love I can find.