My name is Ashleigh
I am a 19 year old African American female that was born in December
Not only am I trying to succeed in beating out the statistics
I am also proving that I can and will be something
I can and will make something out of my life
I can and will, one day, be utterly happy
However, right now, my struggle… is real
You may see me smile and my bubbly persona I put on display for everyone to see
But never do you see what’s real when I am crumbled over on my knees…
You have no, idea
My life, isn’t easy
From the outside looking in it looks if I’ve had a silver spoon in my mouth since I was born
Too many tears have fallen victim to my eyes for me to be so young
Do you know what it feels like to have to pop pills every day for four years?
To have something so wrong with you, that could be killing you and no one has an answer
Hair falling out, immune system going down, weight going up
Tell me, I was not able to lose weight
I’m aware that I’m not a size two, three, nor a ten
But this full figured, plus size, different body is what I’ve been graced with
Size 16, take it in
However, to throw it in my face over and over again until I’ve reached the point of no return
Is not necessary
No, you’re still not understanding are you?
Let me take a step further and take off these bandages and expose these wounds for what they really are
And let’s be real for a minute
Do you know what it feels like to be ridiculed every day and not be able to do anything about it?
How about to be called out of your name and none of it be true
Have you ever been called a transgender, man, or what about big beyond compare
What about to have the hands of one that you don’t want around you on you
A story that will be heard!
I am a writer of love and pain! Of tears and smiles!
But most of all, I am a writer of what’s real…
Are you listening?
I don’t think you are taking in what I am putting out
Sit up in your chairs and listen to me!
Please, I’m begging you… this is my cry
Have you had a friend that backstabbed you
And it left you so wounded, so sore, so in distress it affects everything that you come in contact with to this day
I have trust issues, I just have issues
This b.s. pain that was so, so cruel and it did enough damage to still affect me years later
Wanting to have the courage
Wanting to have the confidence
Wanting to have what’s in the movies
Like I said, you don’t know my struggle
Now, I’m exposed and I just healed a little bit more
Every day I try to take a step forward
Does it hurt?
More than anything
But if anything positive has transpired from it all
I’ve learned to appreciate the ones who mean me well
I still push some, well most away but I promise I’m still working on it
So please don’t give up on me
I have bad days because the past creeps up on me sometimes and whispers in my ear
For the most, I’m still learning
And I’m learning to love so much deeper to the ones I feel are true, genuine, people in my life who are here for a reason
If I had to do it all over again, would I change anything?
That is the question of the hour
To be honest, I don’t even know
This is me, Ashleigh and…
I. Am. Exposed.