The layers of tears that I've cried have stung my eyes to that point of where seeing just becomes painful. I don't want to give up. But I'm being forced to give up. Or am I? No, this whole situation is fucking bullshit. If two people are happy, you do not just give a fucking ultimatum in order to ruin it for everyone. That puts stress on everyone involved and the domino effect kills. At this point, I am going to do whatever I can to avoid the ultimatum effect even if that means having to hurt a whole lot over something that shouldn't have been considered ending. I'm in an endless cycle of pain because I know that the amount to which I care means nothing at all.
I have done a lot for those who do not care about others. I've cried with the most intense passions for these people, pushing them to pursue their great potential and become something better than the adjectives they think of themselves. I live around friendships coated in heartbreak. Seeing those you fully love completely eradicate their existence with thoughts of worthlessness, suicide, self-hatred, abuse, and depression breaks, not only my heart and eyes, but their motivation and determination to live. I have had the privilege to be the 'closest/best friend' of many people for short amounts of time, because of the amount of trust that I provide and ensure them with as a basic human right. As you know, with those whom you consider your closest friend(s), you reveal a hidden layer to your personality and being that you shelter away from those who just see you at the surface. I've seen the veins and skin of those around me, as well as vital organs bleeding out of past scars and broken bones held together with a smile that could fool a magician. I'm being vague out of respect to those who, frankly, do not deserve my promise to keep their secrets anymore. Why do I keep them? I care, and I will not let the amount of hurt repetitively thrown at me drag me into that apathetic pit that I so desperately long for. Do I feel worthless? Yes. Why? I feel without worth because I give all of my heart on a platter and then the strings within it are torn apart without care or consideration. I am a pushover for a reason. I am here to prove that no matter how much I'm beaten down, I stand with an open heart that gushes out sadness and comfort in an attempt to clot the stab wounds. I am not dynamic, I loathe dramatic scenes, I'm not a fashion guru, I am not superficial. I am considerate to the point of promoting an addiction to enjoyable masochism within myself. I want what is best for others, and if that means I have to hurt silently, I'll do it in a heartbreak. I am trying so hard to not spring pillars of guilt to trip over, and this is just a pitiful attempt to bleed less throughout the day. I just want happiness for the wounded. Does this mean I have to take a hit on myself? Fuck yes. There are those around me who only have their interests at heart and naturally, do not consider the destruction of actions/words said upon others. Why does everything have to be so difficult? Can't we all learn to compromise? The best compromise I can even give to lessen the hurt of the innocent is to let go when I don't want to. I have to sacrifice something for your selfish interests, and like the nice person I am, I am on the verge of doing it.
However, I would like to state my complaint against this and why it is very wrong. There are heavily bloodstains of manipulation and greed over sudden words and admissions. The knife has been drawn and one who helped you has been stabbed, and you stand accusing the victim of not complying to your happiness. You can guilt your friends for being happy, but that will not lead to your own happiness. Being guilt-ed, I have endlessly busted my ass to create a loving, comforting, supportive, atmosphere and be there consistently until I realized I was being used and manipulated without consideration as to who I am. This doesn't just apply to me, but others who become your puppets of the aura of pity. You can say you care, but then when you are never around and disregard words, the statement becomes like a dull knife being stabbed into your mind as a tool to justify the lack of support. Do all the words I've ever said just collect into a mush of inconvenience because it isn't about you? I feel guilt for expressing my love of music and people and small personality traits because of the fact that yours just happens to hold more importance than mine every single conversation. I listen so often that the silence of myself often proves the fact that the friendship has never really been mutual. There have been rare times where we mutually listened to each other, but then the words I would say evaporated into thin air and I became the shadow you talk to in comfort.
The act of an ultimatum completely radiates selfishness and I am not going to censor my opinion on that.(Fuck that, I'm done hiding my opinions because they are insignificant to you.) You have deeply hurt myself and others based on that fact. I am a forgiving person, but this is something I refuse to be silent about and let you get away with.
Who deserves to lose everyone? Absolutely no-one, not even you, the one who decided that it would be great to cause that. As the aftermath hits, I get to lose all my junior friends with the exception of my husband Claire. You will get what you want. I do not care further about your pursuits into finding a substitute for what would truly make you happy. I will say I do not care until I actually do, because even with people who treat me like the dirt beneath them, I find a justification for caring.
I am tired of witnessing the endless guilt-ing, manipulation, and explosions of depression upon those who do NOT DESERVE feeling bad for anything that they do that upsets you because it isn't in your best interest. I am exhausted of putting myself down for you, then being told by you not to do that but you clearly want me to as an expression of my friendship. You will deny this, get angry, and then yell about how you do not mean for any of this to happen. But what do you expect to happen? I am not going to be of compliance anymore. Will I look out for myself now? Yes. Do I see this as selfish and hypocritical considering I just got very angry at your seeking of self-interests ruining lives? Yes I do. However, I am not hypocritical in the respect that I will always consider friends in my equation for general happiness. Happiness isn't something to be felt alone. Happiness is a gift that you CAN give in order to cheer up or experience the best of individuals. Once you act on happiness for yourself and only yourself, it turns into greed and you become completely unaware of the chain of disaster following the pursuit.
I am flaming. I have to witness more heartbreak in others and myself, as well as completely building the walls I was hitting over and over with a sledgehammer. I feel no guilt. I am defending myself because for once, it isn't acceptable to treat me like shit. You will be the statistic in my views of people who entered my life and left before they ever knew me.
People never stay with me for long because I help. Once the wound becomes manageable, I am the ripped off band-aid that is discarded. You don't get to see what made the band-aid stick to you in the first place, and you don't know the interests and passions concerned with healing you. The avant-garde nightmare of Erika ensures that I will never be worth fighting for or worth getting to know on all levels. I see the fake level of interest expressed when I talk about my passions, and I want to weep for attempting to be personal. I just wish I was worth someone's desire to stay with despite my flaws and wounds and that the appeal of being Erika was just enough for them. Since everyone I've ever fallen for has decided I am not enough compared to other individuals, I am starting to fear relationships and I now feel that loneliness may end up being my best friend. Loneliness doesn't see me as second best.
I am worth being more than second best.